Video

Personality Disorders in Prominent Positions

Toxic46

Do you suspect someone you work with, or know, has a personality disorder? Has the leadership of your company, organization, or church been attempting to remove, dismiss, or terminate the person or their position?

Today I want to show you, with video, what someone with Narcissistic personality disorder Abuse supportersmay look like. While watching this short video, replace the character of Facebook co-founder, Mark Zuckerberg, with a dynamic speaker who has a witty sense of humor and is a leader in the Christian community. Keep in mind that narcissistic personalities can still appear different; some are charismatic—some boring, humorous vs.serious, highly intelligent vs. below average intelligence, well spoken vs. inarticulate, life of the party vs. quiet. Regardless of their differences they have many characteristics in common.

Consider a person who intertwines scripture as a means for emotional control and twists verses to support their dominance over co-workers. A specialist who tries to tell others who they are with no regard to reality.

A person who uses their title or place of leadership as a cover for control, dominance, or even abuse is not only not a leader in the way the Bible sets forth but is instead a moral and spiritual failure. Let me make this clear: When it comes to leadership, domination is never a teaching of the Bible. But servant leadership is.

 

 Now add in a spiritual leader who is hired for being a biblically accurate communicator. Only to later find the person is aggressive and manipulative in the process of gaining control over an organization, church, corporation, committee, or an individual. When confronted about their behavior they insist that their underlying brilliance be seen, acknowledged and praised; not criticized. They are correct; explaining away and justifying their motive, words, or actions.
If you attempt to speak truth into this person’s life; you will not be given opportunity to complete your thoughts and you will not be understood.

When truth is revealed against the backdrop of their deception, sin, or crime they play the “I am special” card and, “This isn’t the way it appears” line. In classic narcissistic fashion they hold up a mirror and reflect the accusation being made against them back at the plaintiff. You will NEVER win an argument with a narcissist or point out their error since they are perfect and do no wrong. Remember the rules and laws do not apply to them: For more on this topic see previous Toxic Tuesday posts about Narcissism.

“Jesus…is the Lion of Judah (Rev. 5:5) and the Lamb of God (Rev. 5:6) – He was lionhearted and lamb like, strong and meek, tough and tender, aggressive and responsive, bold and brokenhearted. He sets the pattern for manhood.” -John Piper

Narcissists like to explain why your accomplishments are of little importance and possibly not true accomplishments. They do not know how to encourage others and be genuinely happy for other’s successes. The only time you are praise worthy is when they can use your achievement to make themselves look better to someone else; or make it seem like your triumph was due to their input in your life.

You will not gain a narcissist’s understanding. You will be ignored, dismissed, and belittled Toxic Tuesday biochem hazard smallwhile the narcissist manipulates behind the scenes with no remorse or twinge of conscience toward the path of destruction they leave behind.

Narcissists are entitled to treat people however they feel with no regard to the other person’s feeling, needs, or input. They make executive decisions for everyone involved without allowing feedback, questions, or creative involvement. They are a god unto themselves and they like to surround themselves with people who believe everything they say without asking questions.

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Narcissists have no boundaries with other people’s feelings, ideas, and needs. When dealing with this personality there are phrases that you need to memorize and keep in your mental pocket.

  1. That’s not what I was thinking; or had in mind.

  2. That’s your opinion.

  3. My decision is final.

  4. I’m not discussing this.

You need to know what you are going to say before confronting someone like this and stick with your script. Most importantly you don’t want to show any emotion. Positive or negative emotion only feeds the narcissist; known as narcissistic supply. You must starve them of the reaction they desire.

It doesn’t matter if you see this type of person committing a crime, yelling at someone, or telling a lie; they will deny it. Worse yet, because they are grand actors and liars it is easy to believe their cover story. I’ve been through this time and time again and I believed the actor/liar on every occasion…they were that good…until I understood I was dealing with a personality disorder. Before that I truly believed they were misunderstood, set-up, manipulated, not at fault, lied about, and…that I was the problem.

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To be clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder a person must exhibit five of nine criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who meets all nine of the criteria. Once upon a time I lived with such a person. Now imagine the narcissism is the easiest part of the toxic relationship because underneath this surface lurks a tormented dark soul disguised as light.

One does not have to imagine long on this concept of darkness disguised as light since Satan has masqueraded in a cloak of light through the centuries.

Satan is not creative; just a good copycat who counterfeits everything he sees the Heavenly Father do. Satan produces many fake replicas; evil beautifully gift-wrapped with a forged logo or brand name.  As with counterfeit consumer products, Satan’s imitations are of a lower quality, sometimes not working at all, and often have toxic elements; producing toxic people—resulting in a lesser quality of life for God’s beloved children. Satan’s bogus plans, interjected into the lives of humans, have resulted in physical and spiritual deaths. Fatal poison has been packaged as the healing balm of Christ.

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1
Scripture cannot necessarily help you discern a narcissist, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, because they are some of the best actors you will ever see. Dealing with this personality disorder is outside the box for Christians and even for many psychologists. It takes a long-term relationship to identify if a person suffers from narcissistic personality disorder; meeting the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

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The complexity of a narcissist makes them interesting to study, infuriating to live with, frustrating to work with, and the subject of psychological and spiritual scrutiny.

People can suffer from more than one personality disorder, or have what is called mixed personality disorder where the person meets criteria from several disorders, but not enough in any one of them to make a formal and supportable diagnosis in that area, the appropriate diagnosis is Personality Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified) with X, Y, and Z (or whatever) traits).

One of several overlapping disorders that can co-exist with narcissistic tendencies is obsessive compulsive personality disorder (completely different from obsessive compulsive disorder); characterized by a preoccupation of concern with excessive attention to details, mental and interpersonal control, and a need for control over one’s environment, at the expense of flexibility (everything is black and white to them). Money is viewed as something to be hoarded. Read about the entire criteria of this disorder at PhychCentral. If you question if someone you know has a personality disorder you should research disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders – DSM-IV.

Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Fatal Self-Love:

Video

DailyJournal Online: Lynn Messer

 

Here is the DailyJournal Online’s article which was published this morning. It’s a long article so click on the link at the end of this post and scroll through all the ads and sign-up boxes to continue reading the entire article.

The article is written by Renee Bronaugh who has been covering Lynn’s case from the time of Lynn’s disappearance. 

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Here are a few excerpts from the article; along with, a few comments from me.

Abram: “They spent just as much time down at the sheriff’s department,” he said. “They have been very thorough and nothing we did with them was forced. Everything was within the context of, ‘if you are comfortable sharing this with us and will allow us to tell this story, then we would like to be able to tell this story with you.’”

Now, Abram said, nearly five months after discovery of his mother’s remains, the family is still waiting on results of the forensic work. He said that law enforcement told him the case is like putting together a puzzle. They have all these pieces laid out on the table and they can begin to see which piece fits where.

“As they start putting parts of the story together and parts of the evidence together, they can begin to see a much clearer picture of what all has transpired,” Abram said. “There are just one or two pieces of that puzzle still missing and forensics are going to answer those questions.”

Abram and his family are holding out hope there will be people who watch the show — maybe someone from Jefferson City, somebody from his father’s church or somebody who he knows — and it will help them to recall conversations they have had with his father.

“I hope they think about different things they know, because so many different people had come out to help us search,” he said. “The entire community has been involved and our hope now with the show, is those people watching, maybe there is somebody out there who has one piece of information who can put the whole puzzle together and bring closure to this entire investigation.”

“All of the producers we have been working with have all stayed in contact with us, looking for updates and waiting right along with us,” he said. “Their care and concern was more than just a professional courtesy. They were very genuine and very caring and truly interested. You could tell it wasn’t about ratings. Everybody we have worked with over the taping of the show has been really wonderful. They have opened their hearts to us and it has been a very unique experience.”

He said two reenactment clips he’d seen from the show were very powerful which leads him to believe the show’s crew paid close attention through the course of the interviews.

Kerry: “Kerry said he didn’t respond to any of the show’s attempts to contact him and has never spoken to them or responded to them by any other means.”

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In other words, it appears everything Kerry says throughout the article, and on the Find Lynn Messer Facebook page, about the show and its crew is strictly his opinion and not based on facts.

According to Abram’s testimony the crew had a genuine interest in telling the whole story. The show’s goal is to help find the missing person. Therefore they are rewarded with terrific ratings through telling the truth of the story from different viewpoints of witnesses, friends, and family members. Recovering someone who has disappeared is the ultimate goal and reward for ‘Disappeared‘ producers and crew doing the taping for Investigation Discovery Channel. Yes, your read that correctly. This isn’t an entertainment tabloid show…it’s Investigation Discovery Channel.

One of my readers commented on a recent post about Lynn, “It is very telling that Kerry is getting so nervous about this show. He has broken with his protocol and has discussed the investigation on his Facebook page. He actually referred to his affair and contradicted what he had previously publicly said about the romantic, physical relationship with Spring Thomas before he knew that his wife was dead. He is getting out ahead of this in attempting to discredit it and guilt people into not watching it. I am confident that this will continue to open the eyes of those who have been blinded and I hope that investigators re-double their efforts to evaluate where the evidence leads.”

In my opinion, I agree with this reader.

It appears Kerry Messer has very few followers and friends left on his Find Lynn Messer page. What better way to keep those few from thinking through the evidence and testimony than shaming them for considering watching the show and convincing them it’s all fabricated; spun and twisted for entertainment value?

Friends, co-workers, church members, and family members must put loyalties aside and report any little detail or conversation they recall. Who knows? They may be holding a piece, or the last piece, to the investigative puzzle. 

Read the entire article here…

Lynn Messer case to be featured on TV series Sunday

 

 

Video

Disappeared Short Clips: Lynn Messer

Below is a portion of Kerry Messer’s latest entry on the Find Lynn Messer Facebook page.

Kerry makes his case for why he isn’t happy about the airing of Disappeared. I’m adding a bit of my perspective to his story; rebuttals to some of his statements.

Disappeared was filmed before Lynn’s body was discovered and the purpose for allowing this program to share Lynn’s story was to hopefully help find her and to bring closure to the case.

Kerry Messer’s writing is in blue. My response is in red.

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Hurting hearts have left a significantly large number of people vulnerable to wild imaginations. These have been fed by unbelievably hateful speculations and accusations founded in nothing more than a search for anything to believe in – something to cling to for an explanation.

Nope…fed by Spring Thomas, your girlfriend being identified as part of a search party on your property looking for your wife.

Fed by…Different, and reportedly untrue stories, you told investigators and your sons about the note that was at least in part, possibly in whole, written by Lynn.

Fed by your comments that Abram isn’t working through his grief in a healthy manner. You are the one who reportedly made inaccurate comments about the note to him, and forced their family out of their home? He has a right to defend himself and tell his side of the story.

Note: We are all sinners. We all deserve the worse, but we all desire grace. Through The Lord’s incredible love, He offers us the grace we need but don’t deserve. However, we are all still sinners by nature as well as by choice. And like it or not, a common default expression of our sin nature which every single one of us share is the propensity to remember the negative about other people more than the positive. We also fall prey to believing the worse about those we don’t know or care for. And we all tend to stand up for those we relate to while turning against those we do not relate to. And our personal worldviews are established more by our general biases and beliefs than facts or truths.

What? We remember the positive, but the negative is so overwhelming that it can’t be dismissed, overlooked, or forgotten. Our ‘biases and beliefs’ are based on biblical principles of the marriage covenant as set forth by God; not man’s own spin on what is or isn’t an affair.

Simply stated: We believe what we want to believe. We accept ideas as either absolute facts or as mere theories more often than not without ever examining actual evidences. If something fits our mental or emotional comfort level, we accept it. If it challenges our comfort level, we reject it. You can call it relativity, moral relativism, subjective reality, alternative reality, self-identity truth, modernism, post-modernism or whatever else the contemporary literature comes up with, but at its core it is nothing more than an expression of the sin nature we all possess.

Are you the one who believes in moral relativism? You are the one who had a girlfriend, at the least, within weeks of your wife disappearing. You are the one who admitted to kissing this woman but wouldn’t admit to an affair. Mr. Messer, sex is not the only aspect of an affair. By your own account you had a close friendship with this woman and were emotionally involved with her. Your sons have given testimony that the friendship predated Lynn’s disappearance and they even say it was an unhealthy attraction/friendship. I won’t argue when the relationship began and how involved it was; by Biblical standards you were having an affair while you said you still believed you were a married man. According to your testimony you were alone with her on multiple occasions, had a meaningful relationship and you kissed her on the lips.

So what in the world am I driving at?

The fact is, on the night of July 7th, 2014, I lost my Bride. Almost a year later, I lost my entire in-law family to scathing false rumors deliberately created to cause more pain and stress. Another year later and I lost the rest of my family to an avalanche of imaginative accusations. Sadly, much of the garbage seems to be very deliberately designed to drive wedges and divide already hurting hearts. All in the name of ‘helping’!?!?!

I find it odd how you plea that your family be more careful of their words and your feelings, while it appears from media reports and interviews of you that you don’t afford them the same courtesy. Furthermore; I haven’t heard wild accusations from them; just questions and accounts that are confirmed by multiple witnesses.

How in the world do people think they can help by spreading lies is beyond me. I have never known of anyone being benefited by folks bearing false witness. When is the last time you have seen healing amidst hurting thanks to an onslaught of lies? Yet far too many folks think they can help by repeating accusations without ever talking to the one being accused.

I guess we need to know the specific lies to which you are referring?

In two years and well over eight months I have had a grand total of three (3) people bother to contact me directly to ask questions about the things they have heard which concerned them. A great number of friends have responded to me in the course of our normal conversations about the scope of the dozens of false accusations they hear regularly. These are faithful friends who do not spread the garbage. But others have fallen prey to the trash talk and some have joined the chorus of gossipers and rumor mongering.

In Your Daily Journal video interview you listed 4 news outlets. I’ll add the St. Louis Post Dispatch as a fifth. Readers may view the video at the following link: Timer at 22:12 into the video. http://dailyjournalonline.com/videos/full-interview-with-kerry-messer/youtube_e7b0a20d-252f-51f8-a539-bdc241c44838.html

You stated: “There’s 4 news agencies that I felt actually tried to help us in the beginning; not just write a story but actually showed real interest in trying to help us find Lynn; The Daily Journal out of Farmington, The Missouri Times out of Jefferson City, Channel 12 News – Cape Girardeau, and Channel 2 News in St. Louis.” You said they were” the four who had shown real interest in who we are” inferring there were possibly others but you didn’t like the line of questions or the direction the journalist would take with the article.

What has all of this got to do with the title for this post “Help vs. Entertainment”?

First of all, God’s timing can seem confusing, but it is always best. This week I was already struggling with the key themes of Psalms 108 and 109, and that short line which has dogged me and aided me at the same time for over two and a half years, “…vain is the help of man”.

Secondly, man’s help has been of great value throughout this entire ordeal on countless fronts! But no man’s help has had an ounce of healing influence on my shredded heart. No man’s help has offered any significant solace to the stresses that have been eating me alive. No man’s help has given any light to this path down here in this dark valley of shadows. Yet I owe a great measure of “thanks” to literally hundreds of people who have helped in the ways they could, and can, and continue to do!

And thirdly: While entertainment has varying degrees of value under certain circumstances…

My Bride’s disappearance is not supposed to be a source for entertainment!!!

No, not entertainment; this confirms that your sons and their families were desperate to find their mom. They wanted resolution and if a national show could give a glimmer of hope to finding answers it was worth it.

It is not helpful to use Ma’s death, nor any false rumors, imaginative speculations, or accusations, as a source of entertainment!!!

The gut wrenching discovery of Lynn’s remains is not an acceptable source of entertainment!!!

Again, this show was planned in advance of the discovery of Lynn’s remains and Lynn’s remains were not found until after the show had concluded its filming.

They know their storyline is not true!!! And they do NOT care!!!

This is NOT news! This is entertainment at the expense of a distraught family!!!

Our tragedy is NOT supposed to be sold to advertisers!!!

Our pain is NOT supposed to be used for entertainment!!!

You appear to be one of the only family members, if not the only, who takes issue with this television program.  

Are we motivated by past friendship, loyalty, sympathy and fear for the person offended or by the distress, pain and heartache of the children of the dead? Make certain your compassion is properly placed and driven by love of truth and justice.

The following links are clips from the televised program which uses actors to portray the Messer family. The first link in embedded; the second link you have to click to be taken to the video.

 

https://www.investigationdiscovery.com/tv-shows/disappeared/videos/the-moment-that-the-family-of-lynn-messer-discovered-she-had-vanished Disappeared

 

 

https://www.investigationdiscovery.com/tv-shows/disappeared/videos/the-moment-that-the-family-of-lynn-messer-discovered-she-had-vanished

 

Video

Lynn Messer: Watch DISAPPEARED March 26, 2017

 

American Gothic

Lynn’s story will be the season opener for the show DISAPPEARED on the channel Investigation Discovery.  Next Episode – Season 8 – Episode 1 : American Gothic, March 26, 2017

In Missouri, bible teacher Lynn Messer goes missing from her family’s farmhouse, and investigators must decipher a cryptic handwritten note; two years later, skeletal remains are found in a wooded area on Messer’s farm. kerry-messer-and-lynn

Watch the trailer here:

Video

Toxic Tuesday: Unsafe Relationships

patrick-doyle

 

Are you confused by a relationship?

Does the person you love seem not to appreciate, or to like little, or to like nothing about you?

Do you feel mildly harmed?

Do you ever think about the other person, “Oh, that wasn’t very nice. Or…Oh, they didn’t mean it”?

Do you justify the words and actions of this person?

Do you find yourself denying your instincts?

Are you the person responsible for making everything in the relationship okay?

Or worse…

Do you feel greatly  harmed?

Do you feel like you’re losing your mind?

Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?

Do you feel manipulated?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions—the below video may be the best invested 22 minutes of your week.

Gain strength, become educated, increase clarity, seek help. For me, Patrick Doyle is the best of the best for sorting out relational questions and difficulties.

 

 

 

Video

Recognize and Prevent Emotional Abuse

psy-abuse

This is for those of you who don’t have time to watch the almost hour long video attached at the end of this article. If you are in an abusive relationship and you do have time to watch; you will be greatly validated and encouraged. You’re not crazy…it’s really happening…you’re living through untold trauma, and you are incredibly strong to have endured for so long. My prayers are for you.

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I present to you, Patrick Doyle, counselor at Veritas Counseling and theDOVE.us

Recognize and Prevent Emotional Abuse

The core of marital counseling revolves around emotional abuse.

I was aware of a situation involving a woman in another state. Her husband was a very well respected man who early in the marriage; and thereafter, was abusive.  He was a stalwart member of the church who was well respected. The abuse kept going on until finally the woman realized through some counseling, and finding out her husband had a longtime porn addiction, that she needed to speak up. Well, her church didn’t really get it; they didn’t understand what she was trying to say. They genuinely wanted to help but they thought maybe she was making this stuff up…how could this be; we all think this guy’s great. As time goes on and she becomes more and more bold about revealing the truth to the pastor of her large mega church, he finally gets it. She actually went in the pastor’s office and had him watch my (Patrick Doyle) video on emotional abuse. Here are some excerpts from a letter that he wrote to his leadership after watching the video and ‘getting it’… about what the church is going to do to deal with this issue because he’s starting to see that they’ve missed the boat on this.

I am disturbed by the fact that women are coming forward telling me sad stories of long-term calculated abuse by their husbands. I’m aware of 6 or 7 cases that are current. These are good women who have experienced long term, 10-25 years, of abuse to varying degrees.  In some cases the abuse has been physical leading to domestic assault charges and imprisonment. In other cases the abuse is more subversive yet no less damaging. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, roll abuse, financial abuse, and sexual abuse.  Sometimes I wish they would all just walk into my office with a black eye so I could see the indisputable evidence and call the police. Instead they tend to walk in with blackened and bruised hearts that bleed pain. It is more difficult to discern the extent of non-physical abuse but I am becoming more attuned to the signs of an emotionally and psychologically battered woman. These are not crazy women who are trying to find some sinister way to get out of a marriage; thus, submitting false charges against their husbands. I’m talking about good and godly women who over time have lost hope that they will ever be treated with honor as a wife, a woman, or a fellow heir of the grace of life. I am typically taken off guard thinking that their husbands were charming, gentlemen of God. Oh, what a false front an abuser is able to display.

We all know there is a difference between a difficult marriage and a destructive marriage.  We all have difficult marriages to some extent. There’s no such thing as a pain-free, argument free marriage. There is anger in every marriage leading to disputes, hurt feelings, and the need for healing. I have not called this meeting to discuss difficult marriages, but I am talking today about destructive relationships where one person is being systematically and consistently broken down by the other.

I am most deeply disturbed by the fact that in several of these cases these men are protecting their place within our church while the abused is made to feel like an outcast. The abuser sings in the choir, sits in the front row, leads in the men’s’ ministry, carries the friendship or support of a pastor or an elder, serves on some ministry team, plays in the band while the wife is made to feel like an unforgiving, un-submissive, self-willed, hardened sinner. The wife feels embarrassed around our church people while the abusive husband smiles and drinks coffee with his boys (church members).

Here is a transition: This man wants to do the right thing, but it’s hard because people come in and you don’t know if they’re trying to work you, manipulate you, or what.

Listen, someone who is in an abusive relationship…one thing abusers do is they never take responsibility.

Abusers never take responsibility. This is a key to recognizing one. As Christians we should be leading the way in taking responsibility. With abusers you can never get a clear answer in a question, or there is a constant blame shift, avoidance, minimization, justification, and spiritualization. They shift blame and everything becomes your fault.You start to feel crazy and doubt yourself which empowers the abuser all the more.

In the church what is said is, “If you’ll just love them more, if you just cook them the right meal, if you just have more sex with them, if you’ll just be patient then this will clear up.”

Listen, if you allow an abuser an inch they will take a mile. The more you submit to their abuse the more they are going to abuse because every abuser I’ve worked with is in abject denial. The abuser believes their own rhetoric. They will stand in front of you, look you dead in the eyes and believe what they are saying. When this happens; listen to your spirit!

For outsiders who wonder if someone is in an abusive relationship; listen to your spirit. You may want to ask the woman or her children, in a safe setting, if there is abuse in their home and ask if they need help.

When someone says they are a believer but they have no conviction or comfort—they don’t have the Spirit. I don’t care what they say, how many church services they go to, how much Bible they know—the evidence is in whether or not they are convicted. The conviction will lead to the fruit of the spirit. Right? You can feign the fruit of the spirit for moments at church, in front of your pastor, in Sunday School, at a pot-luck dinner—but behind closed doors with the person who knows you the best…if they aren’t the ones seeing it, then I’m really concerned.

If your wife (and kids) are feeling abused (and I don’t care if you’re an abuser or not)—that’s real—and we have to deal with that. If the wife, or kids, are misinterpreting something it will be easy to fix, but if they’re not then maybe we can heal the marriage before it absolutely is destroyed.

Sometimes they do this sham of responsibility taking…”I’m sorry. I know I did that.” Then they just keep on doing it. Listen, the evidence of conviction is a change in your behavior not just words. God does not convict in general; He convicts specifically. So when the abuser comes to you they need to confess specifically the sinful words, thoughts and actions (to God and to their spouse). Changed behavior is the evidence of conviction. Conviction, repentance and changed action all have to take place.

Are  you abused and feeling trapped (which is part of the abusers arsenal) but you’re at a point where something has to break, something has to stop; you recognize that it’s coming to a head?

I say this with all due respect. Don’t call the church. (Yours may be the exception, but there are tragic stories about women who went to their church and were placed under church discipline for talking poorly of their husband, and/or removed from the church for separating from or divorcing their abuser.) I don’t know if the church is prepared for this; you’ll have to make that assessment. Somebody has to know what they are doing and someone has to be willing to get involved. If somebody comes to counseling he can get involved in a certain degree, but really where the church has the ability to be transformational is to get involved in a big way on a day-to-day basis. That’s how we can really help these people. In my church we’ve set up funds to support women temporarily; to give them money so the abusive husband can’t control them financially. I’ve seen it a thousand times if I’ve seen it once. They start controlling the money. How’s the woman going to live? Those are real questions. That’s where we can come (help) balance the power.

If you think you are, or might be, in an abusive relationship talk to somebody who knows what they’re talking about. If you’re going to go to someone who gets involved and then they back away; that is way worse. In that case, don’t even broach the subject until you know you have support that’s going to stay. This is where the church has done a lot of damage. They get involved and then they back out because they get uncomfortable, in over their head, or whatever.

Do your research, ask around the community, take the knowledge you’ve learned to find long-term support because I’ve never seen an abuser who has gone that far and said, “Oh, you’re right. I’m going to quit being abusive.”

It’s possible churches get it and they do want to help; such as the pastor who wrote the email read at the beginning; earlier. They recognized it and set up something in the church to address abusers and the abused. The pastor; along with church staff and leadership took training for it because they care about the people.

Much of this teaching can also apply to parent/child relationships.

 

This is Carolyn speaking: There aren’t many Christian counselors out there who know how to handle abuse in the Christian home. Most will want the abused wife to attend counseling with her abuser. THIS SHOULD NOT BE. When calling a counselor’s office ask them what their policy is for helping abuse victims and their abusive spouse. Separate counseling is best. I’ll give you three recommendations for the St. Louis area at the bottom of this post. They do not take insurance; so you have to file ‘out of network.’ If you’re local and have an excellent referral please comment with contact information at the top of this post. There is also a link in the margin for Focus on the Family: Counseling service and one time free referral.

 

Counselors in the greater St. Louis area:

Terri Dempsey – (West county & Farmington) Encouragement, validation, and practical application for setting boundaries…with humor.  Double majored in Psychology and Theology receiving a Bachelor of Arts from Blue Mountain College.  Received  Master of Arts degree in Psychological Counseling from Southeast Missouri State University in May 1991.  The combination of a Christian and secular education allows her to understand and fit into both worlds.  Scripture tells us to be in the world but not of the world.

She treats most mental health issues and specializes in trauma, personality disorders, and difficult cases in adults, adolescents, and children.  She is certified in EMDR. In treating anxiety and depression whether in adults, adolescents, or children, there is often a common thread – trauma.  Trauma can be the basis of eating disorders, anger management issues, and severe stress as well as identity issues in children and adolescents.  If your spouse suffers from a personality disorder you will find help for staying, or leaving.

(314) 983-9300, by text at (314) 960-7589 and by email at hopecrossingcc@gmail.com

St. Louis Office
Castlewood Baptist Church
1220 Kiefer Creek Rd. Ballwin, 63021

Farmington Office
#7 South Jefferson
Farmington, MO 63640

Dr. Clay Coffee (St. Louis County) received his Ph.D. in Family Therapy from Saint Louis University and his Master of Arts in Counseling and Masters of Divinity from Covenant Theological Seminary.  He is a Counselor in Training working with couples, families, and individuals.  For typical marital issues he does couples counseling. For family issues he does group family therapy. He has served as a pastor and counselor in church-based settings for over fifteen years: working with couples and families in conflict

providing premarital education and counseling

caring for individuals and families walking through divorce and remarriage.   His additional areas of clinical interests and experience include working with adults experiencing grief and loss

anxiety and depression

the trauma of emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse

spiritual transformation and relational distress

parenting issues and season of life transitions.

Clay has also taught graduate courses on ethics and counseling and presented at national conferences on topics such as addressing family violence in the church and coordinating care between counselors and churches for the well-being of clients. His dissertation explored the influence of at least one partner’s religious conversion on the marital relationship and developed a tentative theory for helping both partners navigate potential loyalty conflicts.

Clay has a wife, 3 children and a black lab named Pepper.  He enjoys playing tennis & golf with his wife, co-managing a fantasy football team with his sons, watching and discussing movies with his daughter, and playing his guitar. (314)720-2710 ext 5  clay@killeencounseling.com 

 

Christy Brimm (St. Charles county) at Kaleo Counseling: kaleostl.com – Her bio states she works mostly with kids, but I’ve been told she is terrific, due to her passion and personality, for women who are in extremely difficult and abusive relationships.
Christy received her Master of Arts in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University and her Master of Arts in Theological Studies from Covenant Theological Seminary. She has gained extensive experience working with children, adolescents, women, and families via her 20+years serving in the Church. Her ministry experience has come in the form of working in children’s ministry, youth ministry, leading a life group for young families, and through leadership in Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS). Christy has training in both school and clinical settings and is interested in offering gospel-centered counseling to youth and adults who find themselves in need of healing and wholeness. She also has a special interest in doing play therapy with children and working with families on parenting and relational issues. Christy is a Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor and is supervised by Martha Ankney, LPC. She sees clients at the St. Charles office and is an out-of-network provider. You may email Christy at cbrimm@kaleostl.com.

 

 

Video

Toxic Tuesday: Do You Have Biblical Permission to Leave a Toxic Spouse?

Today I’m sharing the blog post that has daily, for 3 1/2 years, remained the most read article I’ve written. I’m not an expert in the field, but rather a survivor of a student field trip. I’m passing on lessons learned that took me years of relational toil, prayer, counseling, Bible study and research. Later in the article, and in the margin, I link to Leslie Vernick who is a godly professional on this topic. I cannot say enough good about Leslie. I wish she had been around 19 years ago when I was in the middle of dealing with my toxic husband who was a pastor, abuser, and pedophile who suffered from mental illness and had a personality disorder.

(*Disclaimer: Mental illness does not make one an abuser, pedophile or criminal, nor does is diagnose one with a personality disorder. Most sufferers of mental illness live a normal, productive and fulfilling life with the help of therapy, dietary lifestyle changes, and/or medications.)

Toxic Tuesday biochem hazard small

 

Do You Have Biblical Permission to Leave a Toxic Spouse?

 

No matter how they treat me; I will choose agape love.

No matter what they do; I will forgive. Over and over.

No matter how messed up they are; I will be their helpmate.

No matter the mental illness or personality disorder; I will love in sickness and in health.

No matter the inability to parent; I’ll keep the children safe and sheltered.

No matter the addictions; I will pray for healing and restoration to come.

No matter the anger; I’ll wait for the therapy to work. I know they will get better with the help of a godly professional.

No matter the grounds for divorce; I will pray for forgiveness, restoration and family unity. After all, as Christians with God on our side, we can do the hard thing and make it through.

But what happens when you are the only one practicing these principles and actions?

Have you been to counseling, done the homework, practiced the applications, prayed and fasted but you are the only person in the equation who participated in all the above? This is the point where putting all the marriage and Christian help books away is beneficial. These books are for people in a relationship with a mentally healthy spouse. We all have issues. We all sin. But living with a toxic person is not the subject of these books. They are terrific books—wrong subject.

Did you attempt an intervention with the goal of leading your spouse to repentance, restoring the relationship, and providing emotional healing only to be told, “It’s all you. You’re the one with the problems. There’s nothing wrong with what I do or how I treat you”?

Did you serve them therapeutic separation papers to show how serious you were about saving your marriage and saving your family? Have they shown no serious action to remedy the situation? Or have they shown minimal—surface only, “Is this enough to satisfy you?” action? Yet there is no change in heart, attitude, addictions, words or actions.

If you feel led by God through much prayer; keep going: Agape, forgive, help, remain true to the covenant, protect, seek professional help, pray, fast and pray some more. Over and over. If this is your decision I highly recommend you visit Leslie Vernick’s website.

 Here is where the strategy must change:

Are you concerned for your safety and/or and the safety of your children due to abuse?

I want you to hear this in the sweetest most tender voice as I envelope you in a hug and gently declare, “God does not expect you to live like this.”

Are you concerned you will not be alive come tomorrow morning due to an angry and/or violent spouse?

Imagine I have my hands on your shoulders, as we look at each other tear-stained face to tear-stained face, “God does not want or require you to live under such conditions.”

Many theologians, pastors and Christians with the best intentions have written on this subject.  I am in no way an expert or professional and this is why I always reiterate the importance of praying, fasting and seeking godly professional counsel.

I grew up believing divorce was wrong. Period. Christians work it out.

It took years of experience and additional years of biblical counsel, Bible study, prayer and fasting to realize there were biblical grounds to leave a toxic relationship.

For more background information on toxic relationships, toxic people, boundaries, intervention, and therapeutic separation please read past ‘Toxic Tuesday’ posts.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

God states that He hates divorce; not the divorced. God has experienced what it feels like to have someone leave Him. He knows the heartbreak His loved ones will endure and He understands the generational stronghold Satan will attempt to wield over the family members. He desires to protect us from the hurt, pain, consequences and future oppression of divorce.

Scripture does not clearly address divorce due to  the circumstance of being married to an abusive; toxic spouse but we know, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” 2 Timothy 3:16.  If we have a question about life we know we can find applicable help in God’s word.  Here are some verses to consider when in an abusive relationship:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.” Ephesians 5: 25-29

 “The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.” I Peter 3:7

But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.” I Corinthians 5:11

 “Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.” Proverbs 23:9

 “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” Proverbs 26:11

“Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.” Proverbs 27:3

“Though you grind a fool in a mortar, grinding them like grain with a pestle, you will not remove their folly from them.” Proverbs 27:22

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6

 “Look out for the dogs, look out for the evildoers, look out for those who mutilate the flesh.” Philippians 3:2 

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

 “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.” Titus 3:10

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18: 15-17

 “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” Ephesians 5:11

Stay away from a fool, for you will not find knowledge on their lips.” Proverbs 14:7

Our nation and our individual states have laws regarding abuse. If  something below is taking place in your home it needs to be reported to a law official immediately and you need to take safety.

  •          It is against the law to abuse another person.
  •          Physical and sexual abuse against children is against the law.

Also report it to the social welfare/department of family or child services office, a doctor of psychology, a local child advocacy center and possibly the Victim Witness Advocate at your local District Attorney’s office. You can call the Victim Witness Advocate at the state Attorney General’s office if you need help locating an advocate in your area.

Yes, your spouse may be arrested, but maybe this will make him/her realize the seriousness of how out-of-control they have become; possibly leading to real help, true repentance and possible restoration; although statistics backing this up are slim. You have every legal right to defend and protect your children and yourself. God does not expect you or want you to endure such abuse.

To say your abusive husband cannot change would be to deny the power of Christ. The flip side of praying, waiting and hoping for an abusive or severely mentally ill husband, or a husband with a personality disorder, to change is this: They have free choice and God will not make them do what they do not ask for or want.

The Bible gives two reasons for divorce; adultery and abandonment. Theologically many argue abandonment strictly means the physical state. I submit, in the case of abuse they have  emotionally and physically abandoned you through; abdication, blocked intimacy, isolation, loneliness, neglect, rejection and lack of protection. They have also; most likely, physically abandoned  a sexually monogamous relationship with you. I mention infidelity because I am yet to hear of abuse that did not include unfaithfulness; it’s possible but rare. They have left you with permanent psychological scars, often financially restricted or stranded you, verbally destroyed you (at this point many women wish they had the bruises and broken bones to prove the abuse) or; physical and/or sexual abuse of you and/or your children.

I view abuse as abandonment for these reasons: When the marriage covenant is made on your wedding day your husband promises, (the wife’s covenant is the same to her husband) “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor, cherish and protect her, forsaking all others for as long as we both shall live.” When a husband is verbally and emotionally assaulting, beating/abusing his wife and/or children (I am not talking about thoughtful and lovingly administered spankings to teach your children right from wrong and to keep them safe from danger) he abandons the vows he made to his bride on their wedding day. Women who have suffered through a sexually unfaithful husband and an abusive husband can testify that the abuse is worse than the sexual infidelity. When her husband beats her, verbally shreds her, emotionally rejects her, or sexually assaults her, he has abandoned their vows and his relationship with her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you feel trapped, despairing, brokenhearted, hopeless, devastated, betrayed, frightened or dead due to abuse?

Christ came to set the captive free as prophesied in Isaiah 61.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.  Isaiah 61:1-3

Freedom is found in Jesus.

Boundaries are necessary.

Safety is essential.

Healing is possible.

Tomorrow will come with ‘the oil of joy instead of mourning.’ It takes time; time does not heal. God heals—in time—even though scars remain.

Video

My Reversal of Destiny and His

 

As this new year begins I remember back on monumental life changing events. This life event comes to mind because I was recently reminded that these are they types of changes our Lord takes pleasure in setting in place. In the days to come I will be asking my readers to pray for a reversal of destiny regarding a woman whose family longs for answers and justice over a traumatic event through which they are currently living.

I am going to share excerpts of my personal journal from almost five years ago. This entry begins with a Bible study invitation of which I had no idea would bring about an answer to a long prayed over request. For the record: It was the longest petition, to date, that I had ever prayed over a matter with such intensity. This was not my first choice of a Bible study, due to the heavy dysfunctional life experiences it was geared toward, but it was the Bible study my daughter and her side kick wanted to do. As it turned out the videos for my choice of study were not available at the time through our church so I borrowed the videos the girls favored. I had been through this same study twelve years ago and I knew, back then, that one day I would take my daughter through it. I was so certain of this that I bought the study book for her twelve years ago. As I prayed over leading the study for our mother/daughter group I sensed God was up to something; something big.

On December 18, 2011 I sent this email to my Bible study group consisting of eight moms and our combined ten teen daughters:

Breaking Free: Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life will be our next study and I am really looking forward to it. 

 Please email me your prayer requests that day if possible and I will print them out ahead of time to save some precious time on this first night.  I will attempt to send a courtesy reminder about this.

 I am excited about this study in a way I have not been for previous studies.  Can’t wait to see what God is up to!

 Blessings and Merry Christmas,

Carolyn

March 7, 2012

While viewing the week 4 video of Breaking Free: Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins by Beth Moore, I had something replay in my memory from an earlier study on Esther also by Beth Moore.  It was about a reversal of sorts called a chiastic structure. Think of it as a reversal of destiny or a reversal of fortunes.  Since doing the ‘Breaking Free’ study twelve years ago I Chiastic Structurehave been delivered from the chains and bars of Steve.  Now I will pray that to the chains and bars of prison, Steve, will be delivered.  I’m reminded that my Jesus can do it! I will daily ask for it and not take no for an answer regarding the safety of my family, children, and children of other families.  Steve made war on us and many others through the years and I am declaring our victory over Steve.  I will pray it into existence beginning with God’s word which is alive and active and sharper than any two edge sword. And I will pray it out loud of course because scripture sets the precedence that there is power in the spoken word.

Psalm 107:17 (NIV)

Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.

Proverbs 13:16 (NIV)

All who are prudent act with knowledge, but fools expose their folly.

Proverbs 16:22 (NIV)

Prudence is a fountain of life to the prudent, but folly brings punishment to fools.

Proverbs 18:6 (NIV) – The lips of fools bring them strife, and their mouths invite a beating.

Proverbs 18:7 (NIV) – The mouths of fools are their undoing, and their lips are a snare to their very lives.

Ecclesiastes 4:5 (NIV) – Fools fold their hands and ruin themselves.

Psalm 52 (NIV)

Why do you boast of evil, you mighty hero?
Why do you boast all day long,
you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God?
You who practice deceit,
your tongue plots destruction;
it is like a sharpened razor.
You love evil rather than good,
falsehood rather than speaking the truth.
You love every harmful word,
you deceitful tongue!

Surely God will bring you down to everlasting ruin:
He will snatch you up and pluck you from your tent;
he will uproot you from the land of the living.
The righteous will see and fear;
they will laugh at you, saying,
“Here now is the man
who did not make God his stronghold
but trusted in his great wealth
and grew strong by destroying others!”

But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
for ever and ever.
For what you have done I will always praise you
in the presence of your faithful people.
And I will hope in your name,
for your name is good.

April 19, 2012

Early morning – Working on my Breaking Free bible study this morning, Week 9 The Steadfast Mind, Day 1 –“A View from the Old.”  “God will never send us into the valley and ask us to bow to His authority there without sooner or later bringing a harvest from the ground watered by our sweat and tears.”  The personal discussion question is, “By any chance, are you still waiting to see the first signs of fruit from a previous valley?  If so, can you think of ways God could use the lapse of time to bring forth an even greater harvest?”

I decided to see what my answers were twelve years ago when I did this study for the first time.

#1. Riley’s protection from Steve. #2. My deliverance from Steve . # 3. Steve being permanently removed from the ministry.  As for the lapse of time I will wait, trust and obey.  God is so much smarter and more creative than me which once again makes me glad He’s my God.  I know He’s working it out; I just have no idea how.

Now I’m praising God for #1. Done! #2.  Done! God provided for our protection.  #3. I know God is communicating to my heart, soul, mind and strength at this very moment; depositing knowledge that did not originate from my own thinking or from my own mind.  “Child, I’m bringing you full circle this week; week nine, day one from the time you wrote these words twelve years ago.”

I now have chills all over me and I’m laughing, crying and thanking God. Weeping. Tears of joy. Tears of awe. “I am overwhelmed at Your goodness.” Hot tears falling down my face. “Who I am I that you allow me this piece of information? This peace? It has been such a long wait but I’ve always known you were working it out. Oh my…this week?  It’s going to happen this week. You are so good, God. You are so good.  This is so like You!” I felt like God lifted me up from the depths of years of toiling through heartache and allowed me to reach the top of the mountain that I had been telling, “Move, in the name of Jesus.” God was allowing me to see that the time had come. The mountain had moved.

Unbeknownst and unseen by me God was using the lapse of time to bring, not just temporary protection and deliverance but, permanent protection and deliverance.  Protection and deliverance I could not provide.  How can He love us this much? He is such a magnificent mystery to me and His word is a stunning tapestry of which I never tire of finding beautiful new threads woven throughout the pages.  The Bible is like buried treasure and the more I study it the more wealth I find.  Wealth of who He is and there is always more of Him to find.

3:00 p.m.—Chasady, my sister, just called to tell me she googled Steve’s name and found a forum post saying he had been arrested and was sitting in jail. (We new of an ongoing investigation and we’re hopeful an arrest would be made.) By the time I got off of the phone I wanted to find a place to just go have a good cry; however, I was in a doctor’s office sitting with my boys and didn’t have the liberty to ‘take 5’ for a very needed cry of relief and thanksgiving.  I did have my time alone with God after we arrived home.

I thought God meant He would be placing in motion this week the harvest of fruit from our sweat, tears and prayers, but no He meant: Today!   “Child, I’m bringing you full circle this week; week nine, day one from the time you wrote these words twelve years ago.”

I’ll never get over God! Ever. Not on earth. Not in heaven. I will declare His goodness, faithfulness, protection, provision and love all the days of my life. Then I will transfer to eternal praises! The best part of that is I will finally have a beautiful voice; pitch perfect praise.

There were some happy (and teary) moms and daughters celebrating and bragging on the goodness of our God for the answer of our group’s prayer over the last year. We had committed this request to God; asking Him what His heart and will was for this situation. We then asked Him for it; in the name of Jesus!

Video

MOSAIC: Threat Assessment for Abused Women

domestic-stats

Do you realize something isn’t right in your relationship or marriage? Not just inconvenient or annoying, but seriously wrong…hurtful, mean or controlling? Or are you aware that you’re already in an abusive relationship? Do you have friends, who have witnessed what they consider possible abuse, ask you if you are abused? Do you have family members who are concerned for your safety?

A caring childhood friend of mine, who also has a heart for people in abusive relationships, brought a new method of measuring abuse and safety, the MOSAIC method, to my attention. Thanks, Michele!

MOSIAC, created by Gavin de Becker,  is fascinating and helpful in that it “looks at the key elements of domestic violence and all the factors relevant to safety and puts them in context with each other. In the process, it helps filter out personal bias and denial.”¹

“Much like de Becker’s book Gift of Fear stresses the importance of listening to one’s intuition when fear signals arise in the body, in order to avoid dangerous people and situations, “MOSAIC is artificial intuition,’ says de Becker in one of his online videos. He says the test takes all the pieces of a potentially dangerous situation and puts them together, like a mosaic, to see what image emerges.'”²

“MOSAIC an ‘eye-opener’ in that it can help survivors more clearly see the reality of their circumstances, and helps advocates come up with the best safety plan for each survivor.”³

 

Watch this 7 minute video: Gavin de Becker on Mosaic – Assessment of Domestic Violence

 

 

To take the assessment test click here:  MOSAIC Threat Assessment Method

A situation might call for assessment as the result of someone’s intuitive feeling of risk, maybe because of threats or other sinister expressions, maybe because of verbal or emotional abuse, maybe because of violence, or maybe because friends or family are concerned about risk or danger.

The MOSAIC assessment needs to be taken on a computer that cannot be compromised—hacked. One thing most abusers have in common, which most victims or wives aren’t unaware of, is that abusers regularly hack into your emails, social media accounts, and phones. As of right now, every abused woman I’m in contact with shares story after story of her abuser hacking/spyng through avenues of technology.

Be safe!

Consider using a friend’s computer or go to the public library to use a computer. Use a safe password that nobody could know or figure out. And lastly, don’t tell your abuser or difficult person that you are taking the assessment; not for any reason! You don’t know the immediate or long-term reaction you might receive. Also, allow at least 30 minutes for the questionnaire.

The Mosaic treat assessment covers several types of threats and violence.

  • Domestic Violence (male offender)
  • Domestic Violence (female offender)
  • Workplace Violence (concerning a male)
  • Workplace Violence (concerning a female)
  • Threat by student (school)
  • Threat by student (university)
  • Threats (against public figures)
  • Threats (against judicial officials)

If you or someone else is currently in danger; leave and/or seek help immediately and call the police.

To take the assessment test click here:  MOSAIC Threat Assessment Method

mosiac-threat-assessment

 

¹,²,³https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/threat-assessment-tool-created-by-em-gift-of-fear-em-author#.WE-AerIrLIV

Video

The Legacy of Lynn Messer

Here is a beautiful tribute to Lynn from her sons, Aarron and Abram Messer. This is a testimony of a life well lived, a woman dearly loved and missed, a fragrant offering to the Lord, and a void that cannot be filled.

I imagine this list is only a sampling of Lynn’s servant heart.

Read about how Lynn was purposeful for Christ here…

Lyrics:

I don’t mind if you’ve got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
And you could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all the who’s-who’s and so-and-so’s
That used to be the best at such and such,
It wouldn’t matter much.

I won’t lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights,
We all need an ‘Atta boy’ or ‘Atta girl’
But in the end I’d like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world.

I want to leave a legacy,
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough?
To make a mark on things
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy.

I don’t have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It’s an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such
Will soon enough destroy.

I want to leave a legacy'(repeat chorus)

Not well-traveled, not well-read
Not well-to-do, or well-bred.
Just want to hear instead,
Well done, good and faithful one’;

I want to leave a legacy..(repeat chorus)

Video

Difficult, Disappointing, or Destructive Marriage?

Listen to Leslie Vernick’s 4 1/2 minute video to find out the difference between a difficult, disappointing, and destructive marriage.

Talking about destructive marriages, I want to submit to my readers that the patriarchal movement qualifies as destructive. I have heard of, and read of, leader after leader in the patriarchal movement falling to significant sexual sin. Of course, this is not universally true, but it seems to be a breeding ground for men with ulterior motives for engaging in this movement. I have received numerous communications from women who are, or were, caught up in the movement. In these cases; men were given authority over all areas of the wife’s life and it led to situations of unrighteous domination and huge sexual addictions, sin and abuse by the husband.

Hopefully you’re in a terrific marriage! If so, you can watch the video to better understand what a friend or relative may be suffering through in their marriage.

A past contributor to my blog, Joy S, who wrote on the subject of, “Narcissistic Parents: Parts 1,2,3 & 4” reminded me of the following quote for this specific topic:

“The Woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” Matthew Henry

Video

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

If  you wonder if you are in a destructive marriage, or if you know a friend or family member who is in a destructive marriage and you want to support them, this post will help you.

Last week a dear friend reminded me about Leslie Vernick, and her Christ-centered counseling. It’s perfect timing considering the content of some of my recent articles. I often blog to validate women who are living in abusive marriages, or who have left abusive marriages; specifically those who endured someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

Leslie Vernick picks up where  most counselors leave off. It’s rare to find a counselor who fully understands the dynamics of living with an emotionally abusive husband; Leslie does.

If you don’t know who Leslie is, and you’re living in a difficult marriage, consider Leslie your life line…the key to your sanity…a gift from God. She will teach you how to thrive in difficult circumstance and how to set boundaries.

I will post a series of  short videos over the next few weeks. If this is your first time to stumble across Leslie Vernick, and you realize you need her help now, and quickly, then you can find her on Youtube and binge watch all day long. It’s good stuff! You can also locate her books the Emotionally Destructive Relationship and The Emotionally Destructive Marriage at your local library, bookstore, or on Amazon.

“They’ve diagnosed cancer of the marriage as a common cold.”

~Leslie Vernick on the state of counsel abused women receive from pastors, teachers, lay people, counselors and authors. 

Watch this 3 minute introduction video:

Follow Leslie on Twitter

On Facebook

For women who are still struggling with what is required regarding submission in your marriage,  I beg you to watch this 8 minute video, by Leslie Vernick, at Visionary Womanhood.

Do You Think You Might Be in an Emotionally Destructive “Christian” Marriage?

“This is a serious problem in the Church. There are many women married to “Christian” men who only see their wives as objects to be used, mocked, and criticized rather than valuable co-heirs of the grace of life. (It can be the other way around too, but this blog is written for women.) These women are encouraged by their church to submit, overlook, forgive, and shut up. If they try to get help, they are told they are angry (as abused people often are), whiny, and ruining their husband’s reputation. What they really are is confused, brainwashed, and gagged. Their children grow up believing that to be a “Christian” is to pretend, hide, and cover up. They end up despising Christianity and marriage, seeing these as hypocritical cesspools of evil. If you suspect you fall into this category, or you think you know someone who does, here are some places to start getting help in seeing your situation clearly:” ~Natalie at Visionary Womanhood READ MORE HERE

 

Video

Undeniable

On this Good Friday as we look forward to celebrating the day of redemption; Easter, I am reminded that the cross is not just for those who need to find Jesus. The cross is the power that keeps me energized, sane and living every day with purpose. Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy everything dear to me; multiple times over, but by the power of Christ’s finished work on the cross, Satan has not triumphed and he will not win. Not only does the power of the cross save me in life; it will save me in death when I see my Savior face to face for all eternity.

How sure of this am I, you may be asking?

100%!

Jesus is more alive, real and involved in my daily life than any human being I have known, or will know.

 #alwaysready #openuptheheavens #Sundayiscoming #Helives

Easter darkness fell

” For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” Romans 1:20