Lynn Messer: Patriarchal History

Lynn Messer Bap news

Photo Credit: Find Lynn Messer Facebook page

This is the fifth in a series of posts about the disappearance of Lynn Messer; wife of prominent Missouri pro-family, pro-life, pro-homeschooling lobbyist, Kerry Messer.

Kerry’s son, Abram knows and reads the word of God; and therefore, he believes the way his dad treated his mom was biblically wrong. Women are not objects to be used by their husbands for unholy purposes. He knew his mom did not deserve to be yelled at, cussed at, belittled, constantly referred to derogatorily as, “Woman” and made to feel unworthy by his dad. His mom was not called to obey her husband as though she were a slave. She should not have had to worry about finances, how they were going to maintain their home, or feed the life stock on their farm while his dad refused to write a balance in the checkbook because he wanted complete control and didn’t want his wife to know how much money they possessed. Kerry reportedly hid money from Lynn for at least a decade.

According to Abram, his dad fit the patriarchal movement; a social system where men are in authority over women in all aspects of society. This is not a biblical doctrine. Patriarchy tends to be a lifestyle taught in some of the Christian and homeschooling community at conferences and conventions. I pray that the planning leadership of such conferences no longer allow such harmful principles to be propagated within the homeschooling movement. Opinions should not be presented as scriptural fact through the twisting of scripture. Some opinions are not worthy of debate. In the patriarchal movement wives and daughters are essentially servants in their own homes. Often times the wives go along with this instruction and mentor younger women in the same beliefs. Lynn worked as a mentor in her church where she was teaching younger women about submission, under a patriarchal background, causing concern among other female members who were talking about removing Lynn from the mentoring program.

“While people are entitled to personal opinions within a broad range, there are some views within the patriarchy movement that go too far. Women are not to be the de facto slaves of men. Women are created with dignity equal to that of men. Women have direct and unmediated access to God. Daughters should not be taught that their only and ultimate purpose in life is to be the “helpmeet” of a man. While being a godly wife is a worthy ideal, the only statement that is universally true for every woman is that she should love and serve God as her highest priority.” ~Michael Farris, HSLDA 

Abram Messer mentioned experiences that have been happening the last few months. He, and his wife Elizabeth, are having memories that hold important clues to his dad’s behavior. I too have had the same experiences as I remember past events and conversations I had with my former husband, who is now in prison; conversations that were clues to his real self and his hidden life; clues that add up and now make sense. I told Abram, if he and his wife are like me, the experiences will likely occur for years.

While Abram was dating Elizabeth during their teen years, and their relationship began to grow more serious, he said that Kerry made a phone call to Abram’s future mother-in-law, Elizabeth’s mom. Stories were fabricated and embellished to paint a picture that Abram’s parents had problems with Abram in the past. In hind sight; this is confirmation to Abram and Elizabeth that his dad’s secret life was much deeper and more frightening than they ever realized, and that his dad was concerned Abram would spill the beans on their family life. Therefore he paved the way with… Abram can’t be trusted or believed so don’t believe him if he tells you anything questionable about my behavior.

Abram Messer worked with his dad, Kerry, for Missouri Family Network as a lobbyist for twelve years. Abram often found it unsettling the way he saw his dad mistreat his mom personally, at work and on the farm. He was concerned about the dual personality of his father who could switch on the charm, charisma and polished professional mask to anyone who wasn’t family. Abram loved his dad and didn’t realize the depth and seriousness of what he was observing; after all, it was the normal behavior he watched through the years of growing up in the Messer family home. Abram continued lobbying with his dad, and tolerating his dad’s behavior, because he believed God called him to work in Jefferson City; trusting that his obedience to God was important enough to bear twelve years of being cussed out, screamed at and belittled on an almost daily basis. Behaviors which only intensified over the last two years. Including telling Abram and his wife that their pain was, “insignificant.”

Through the twelve years of working with is dad, Abram was never allowed to see financial records or mailing information. Shortly after Lynn’s disappearance, unbeknownst to Abram, a fund-raising letter was sent out to the M.F.N. mailing list, requesting immediate financial help during Kerry’s time of trouble.

Kerry, later told Abram it was the most money he had ever received at one time from a financial appeal, and he was thinking of sending out another mailing. In hind sight, this is appalling since his dad had stockpiled two and a half million dollars in assets and kept it hidden from his wife and sons.

Abram said he and his dad have had three confrontations over the last two years. The first was late in 2014, when after Abram told his father that he believed his behavior around Spring for several previous years was inappropriate; Kerry flew into a rage. In June of 2015 his brother, Aarron, discovered that their father was in an illicit relationship with  Spring Thomas. After Aaron confronted his father, and demanded to know what was going on, Kerry lied. It was only after fifteen minutes or more of Aarron pressing his dad that Kerry did admit he had been hiding his relationship. Aarron insisted that his brother, Abram, be called and also told of the secret relationship. The three men sat around Kerry’s dining room table and talked for hours. Both boys expressed complete disapproval. Not because they had an expectation that their father should have to spend the rest of his life alone; but rather because of the months that Kerry had been lying to them and hiding his relationship with Spring. Kerry went on and described what he called a “covenant relationship.” Since Aaron refused to leave until his father told what was going on with Spring, Kerry also confessed that he deliberately had Abram drive separately to Jefferson City all legislative session because he was preplanning time to sneak off to Spring’s house alone, didn’t want anyone to know, and in fact had been going to Spring’s house two or three times a week—alone—since at least January 2015. Both Aaron and Abram expressed their disapproval and extreme disappointment; as well as, told him they believed he was in sin. Even if Kerry was not currently involved in sexual sin with Spring, as he claimed, the nature of his long-term deception and lies would only take him further down a road of self-destruction, and deeper into sin.

Weeks later When Abram discovered that Kerry was still lying to him, hiding his secret trips to see Spring, Abram and Kerry had another confrontation. The next day Abram asked his dad to tell the truth and come clean; and urged Kerry (because of his sin of deception, and his personal compromise) to step down as President of Missouri Family Network. Abram explained, “I am not asking you to turn M.F.N. over to me; there are plenty of other people who could run the organization until this situation is resolved.” But Kerry insisted that he would turn Missouri Family Network over to his son Abram; as well as, turn Abram’s home over to him, so that as the investigation continued they would not end up homeless. Again, this was not the answer Abram was looking for and after waiting five months for his father to tell the truth or do any of the things that he claimed he was going to do—they had the third confrontation. The third meeting was when Abram was able to persuade his father to meet with their pastor; where he found out that not only was Kerry still lying, but Kerry admitted that he never intended to do any of the things he said…and he never would.  Kerry also admitted to writing a fake suicide note that’s sole purpose was to manipulate people who disagreed with him…by threatening self harm; tactics which Abram says Kerry is still attempting to use. An unhealthy warning of Kerry’s attempt to get Abram back under his control, and to manipulate people was truly sinking in and causing concern.

Once Abram could get his head above the clouds and see clearly; he realized more and more how emotionally damaging his dad was to him.

Sometimes it takes being removed from a difficult relationship to recognize how harmful it is and to experience freedom from the control and manipulation.

According to Abram, as the investigation around Lynn’s disappearance continued, his dad again used finances to try to manipulate and control Abram and his family. Since financial incentives didn’t work, his dad took it all back. He unilaterally dissolved the legal partnership, and used creative accounting to claim that Abram owed him $5,000. Which is roughly equivalent to the 5% ownership of Missouri Family Network which Abram owned. In firing Abram, his dad also forced Abram, along with Elizabeth and their four children, Kerry’s grandchildren, out of the house Abram’s grandfather gave them twelve years ago.

Abram’s point for sharing some of this testimony is, “There’s a reason tough love is called tough love. It is not because I hate my dad and I’m out to get him. I love him. My deepest desire is for him to repent of his sin and follow the example of King David when the Prophet Nathan confronted him about his sin with Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 12. I have tried to follow biblical teachings for confronting my dad, but there are other issues. Churches have a moral and biblical responsibility to call sin, sin and protect the victims inside the church of Jesus Christ; however, churches aren’t willing to truly confront sin. If an individual refuses to repent, the church needs to be willing to cut ties and treat these types of people as unbelievers.”

Another reason for sharing is to put another perspective in front of hundreds of struggling families and retired individuals who struggle financially and still send money to M.F.N. Abram says, “They deserve to know that they are being fleeced—not the people who are so close that they can’t see the forest through the trees, but those who are sacrificially giving.”

Now I want to turn attention back to the, “Find Lynn Messer” Facebook page.

Another possible coincidence to narcissistic style is observing the Find Lynn Messer FB page and seeing how it is maintained to present a squeaky clean and pure persona—in spite of acknowledging to the media that he is physically involved with Spring. I have read comments from people who ask tough questions, make logical arguments, or state glaring issues they see in supposed stories of ideal love and heart wrenching loneliness. Unlike the encouraging, praise-filled, we are praying for you, comments that are enjoyed and appreciated; the opposite comments are quickly deleted so a watching world can’t see that there are people who question or take issue with the way, “Ma, the Bride” is talked about. And that is aside from the incredible amount of factual inaccuracies, and out right fabrications, according to family.

In a future post I will cover details about Abram’s argument with his mom; as well as, the note she wrote before disappearing.

Side note to a romantic, or potential romantic, interest: Has precedence has already been set? Many psychologists agree that if people with unhealthy ways of interacting don’t change by age 30 they will not change. “The 20th century Harvard psychologist William James said that after age 30, the personality has ‘set like plaster.’”¹  If they hid money from their spouse they will hide it from you. If they expected their spouse to cater to their every decision, command, and whim; they will expect it of you. If they gained a rise out of calling their spouse names, they will call you names—it’s just a matter of time. If they became bored with spouse #1 they will become bored with you too. If…they did the unthinkable to their spouse…well…they could do it to you. (Remember Drew and Stacy Peterson?) If a person will lie about their spouse and children to save their reputation; they will lie about you. People who recruit friends and romantic interests, eventually become tired and bored once they secure the relationship. What they are attracted to is your strength. What they hate after securing you in a relationship is your strength, and they will spend their energy verbally, emotionally and spiritually shredding your very being. You will likely feel like an empty shell of yourself; realizing your vibrant, bubbly, confident, capable, intelligent, energetic, outgoing, hospitable-self died; figuratively, and perhaps literally. Now would be the perfect time to pray, repent, and give God permission to insert His leadership into your life over this issue.

 

¹http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/30/thirtysomethings_n_6219808.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680603/ 

 

NPD 63

23 thoughts on “Lynn Messer: Patriarchal History

  1. Cheryl says:

    It’s interesting to me that Kerry branded his relationship with Spring as a “covenant relationship” to his boys. This term is often code for marriage in many Christian circles. It’s also very interesting to me that while Kerry has brazenly gone on record admitting to a physical and deeply emotional relationship with Spring, he has never mentioned this on the Find Lynn Messer page. To me, this is very telling that he is continuing to carefully manage his audience rather than living an authentic, integrated life.

    • I too found the term”covenant relationship” abnormal and preplexing. These types of people tend to compartmentalize all aspects of their life. I don’t understand it but it is a constant theme I see in the lives of abusive men; especially those with NPD or OCPD.
      What I don’t understand is Spring Thomas being at ease with Kerry’s Find Lynn Messer FB posts. Maybe she sees it as a cover for their relationship? As a woman, I would be deeply hurt to see and read what he posts (even if it is all pretend; for show). To me it seems like emotional abuse and I would see it and feel it as such.

  2. Michal says:

    I wondered why all the comments on his Find Lynn Messer page were always positive. I was thinking, someone else besides me has to think so many things are suspicious.
    I finally saw some comments asking why he called Lynn, Ma if she didn’t like it…he soon deleted them. I got my answer.
    I pray for Lynn’s sons, her daughter in law and grandchildren. I didn’t know Lynn at all but from the moment I saw her picture, God placed her in my heart.
    Thank you for writing about her and keeping her alive in our minds and heart. May God grant her justice for the life she served Him.
    I truly believe she thought she was doing what was required for her faith.
    I believe she was faithful.

    • Sounds Familiar says:

      It’s also been very strange to me that the Find Lynn Messer page never included posts or pleas for help from other family members of Lynn’s. The deleted comments along with the total absence of any other voices of those who loved Lynn are part of the reason I initially became suspicious of Kerry (in addition to the inconsistencies in his story that were evident from the beginning). This “gift” of controlling family members and controlling the perception of others is typical of those with NPD / abusive personalities. I’m so glad that we’re hearing from Lynn’s sons. Now, if some other family members could start speaking up that would be great. If I were a family member, I would give as many press interviews as possible. Call Dateline, Nancy Grace, call the St. Louis TV stations, get a spotlight on this situation! NPDs are often highly intelligent and imagine that they are completely capable of keeping their stories straight, but with enough pressure and enough people who refuse to participate in their games, they will eventually crack.

    • I too believe she was doing what she believed to be right. For me, it took 2 years of counseling and in-depth bible study to understand I could leave my abusive husband and that God was leading the way for me to leave. Lynn was faithful to God, and to her husband. If Lynn errored, she errored in faith (by staying in a probable abusive marriage); she did not error in unbelief. I believe she is with our heavenly Father now.

  3. Based on his argument the night before she disappeared with his mother, and that she was known to go over to his house just down the road from her house, and confront him in person, I and others believe that while it is possible Kerry had something to do with Lynn’s disappearance, it is more likely that Aarron had something to do with it.

    • This was part of Abram’s first contact with me: “I’ve been thinking about reaching out to you to not only thank you for your piece, but to see if you would be interested in talking to me. One of the many issues that I struggle with having grown up in a home where destructive ideology was normal is my desire to break, (I pray permanently) the sin cycle and demonstrate a Biblical example for my children to see. I would love to share more of our story with you. Thank you for following the prompting of the Holy Spirit to reach out to me.”

  4. Jessica says:

    It’s funny to me that this blog is by a women who loves the Lord and wants to help people going through the things she has experienced, same for most women who comment. However, the more I read the more I feel this is a hate blog, teaching to hate men. Everyone is so quick to say rude things about people who don’t agree, you did it to this lady and also another on your first post. You all have targeted a man and found him guilty by mixing this case with your hate for men? This is not a Christian blog it’s a hate blog, you only except people who agree with you, otherwise you accuse them of being involved lol..

    • I’m at a loss for what you are talking about regarding the first post. As for this post; I sent a private message to the commenter but they didn’t answer. Only someone close to the son’s ex-wife would be posting that information. Since Kerry has attempted to paint pictures that one of his sons could be a suspect…I was asking a question for clarification. Now I know who some of the commenters are. Someone knows what happened to Lynn and where she is. My goal is to be a voice for Lynn, help other abused women before it is too late, for abusers to see they need professional help, to keep this investigation talked about for the sake of finding Lynn, and to hopefully see some sort of justice for her. I’m not here to protect anyone except Lynn. Do I take everyone at face value? No. That’s why I blog about narcissistic personality disorder. (Some narcissists are woman, but the overwhelming majority are men.) ~Peace

  5. Michal says:

    I can assure you…I don’t hate men. I find most men completely adorable. I am married to the most amazing man and consider myself the luckiest woman alive.
    I do admit a certain disdain for abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, people of poor character, of either sex.
    As far as this blog, I am thankful and grateful that someone else cares about Lynn like, I do.
    I don’t believe for a second this blogger has any ulterior motives other than finding Lynn and bringing her killer to justice.
    Do I find Kerry Messer suspicious? Absolutely!!!
    He was the last to see her and his stories sound bogus to me.
    I stated before, that I have no proof but I don’t believe Lynn killed herself and hid her own body or walked 8 miles in the dark and rain with a broke toe and no glasses to see.
    I believe someone manipulates his page so that it’s only positive comments…I finally saw some that have been deleted. I hated his slight putdowns of Lynn, that are really laced with contempt.
    He said in the sweetest way possible that she was a slob, unkept, couldn’t cook and wasn’t very smart, all masked with his love for her. It’s really anything but…it’s rude and reprehensible.
    And, if someone loves his missing wife so much…he doesn’t get involved with another woman in 6 weeks, unless he knows, she is not coming back. I believe he knows that…for sure.
    You can take that for what it is…my opinion, my thoughts.
    May God grant you justice, Lynn and keep you safe forever, for the life you served Him.

  6. Gigi says:

    I had absolutely no idea about these developments with Kerry’s sons and this woman Spring until 2 days ago. I care(d) so much about this family, supported their organization, and was devastated to hear of her disappearance, but I must admit that it became increasingly uncomfortable to read his Facebook posts so I eventually stopped. He seemed to passively aggressively insulting Lynn at times. I didn’t like how we never heard from other family members or that it was all so controlled. I felt he was getting way too personal about their private life and I would often stew realizing that if I were missing and my husband were revealing such intimate details, I would be crushed. Maybe I can’t even put my finger on it but I just stopped reading. Someone messaged me your blog 2 days ago and to be honest, I’ve been preoccupied about all this and simply shocked ever since.

    I got to know Kerry and Abram quite well through the years and I am devastated for the family (grandkids!) and growing angry about the charade I now feel Kerry was acting out. Even if he did not play a part in Lynn’s disappearance, a lot of things make sense to me now and at the very least Kerry has not been the person he has wished to portray. Even the part about not letting himself go down the elevator with another woman in Jefferson City. Absolutely untrue. He did not take the Godly precautions he claims he did. I don’t recall ever, not once, in all the time I worked with or was around Kerry, him ever deferring to Abram in any way as his colleague or fellow lobbyist as a part of MFN. That always bugged me. Abram got zero recognition. I realize Kerry was the leader but the entire absence of recognition of Abram was odd.
    I know Spring. I am utterly stunned by all of it. His involvement with Spring is extremely concerning as far as living righteously. As the other person mentioned, if Kerry now feels compelled to tell reporters about their relationship, why would he withhold it completely on the Facebook page? I am so very saddened. I’m just stunned! I have since read every account about this case I could find. Kerry’s strange rendering about going into that funeral holding that woman’s hand…it’s insulting to those who know him.
    He may have the sympathy of early supporters or board members but I can assure everyone that most people are in silent polite disagreement with most of his Facebook posts. They are so disrespectful towards Lynn and I cringe. None of it including photos have Lynn’s permission and there are no boundaries at all in what’s posted. Everything should go viral if possible to bring her home but do we respect any degree of Lynn’s privacy?
    Something tells me things are closing in on Kerry and eventually the truth will emerge.
    May God bless all the people involved in this tragedy including Kerry and Spring and may he draw Kerry and Spring near and move them to get right with the Lord!

  7. Mary H. says:

    I don’t know much about the Messer family. I got this link because I have been praying for the Messer family since the disappearance, and a friend thought this would give me more information. I know Aaron’s ex-wife’s sister would never post personal comments about Aaron and Kristina’s relationship or business. I also know Kristina is a very private person, and would not post publicly about her personal business. My heart breaks for Lynn and the family. I am praying that answers are found soon, but accusing people of posting things that they did not could be detrimental in a number of ways. Please think about the effect your comments could have before making things worse for those still very close to this case.

  8. To: Kintsugi Spoonie: I have removed part of your above comment that included private information about children. This is my second time to take down comments by you. As I have told you before; I don’t mean to be insensitive to you, or disrespectful, but since the posts are not about Aarron at this time, and I don’t want to bring potential private information regarding innocent children into this forum; I will not allow such comments.” Since this is my blog; if you do it again, I will have to block you.

    • Fist of all, I never got any private messages from you. Secondly, if you’re going to edit my comments, please just remove them entirely. I regret speaking the truth I usually keep to myself as I wasn’t trying to cause drama. I wanted to delete the comments but WordPress doesn’t allow for that. Thirdly, it’s common knowledge about Aarron if you just look at casenet. Though recently his criminal case mysterious disappeared. Lastly, I respect your right to do whatever and say whatever you want on your blog, but I will no longer participate in it. I’m sorry I stumbled upon it in the first place.

    • Oh and one last thing before I go and never return. Leave Aarron’s ex and her family out of it and in peace. I don’t know much of that family well, but I’m sure they just want privacy after already being drug through the mud. Having to permanently be associated with the Messers is probably quite a burden for them to bear.

      • You are the one who repeatedly brought them in to this. You are the one who invaded their privacy; so the responsibility lies with you. I knew nothing of them or about them until you posted private info. about them.

  9. A friend says:

    Right now Abram is searching for employment.
    However, since he is now estranged from his father, who has also been his employer for the past 12 years, it has become a difficult situation when potential employers ask if they can contact his previous employer.
    In addition, many ministries in Jefferson City who have once showed interest in Abram, are now telling him “they don’t want to get involved” due to their long time relationship with his father Kerry.
    Right now Abram just wants to get his life on track and provide for his wife and 4 children.
    If there is anyone that is reading this that is willing to give this man a chance, or know someone who can, it would be a blessing. I’ve known Abram for many years, and he is an honorable man and a hard worker. Although he has served as a lobbyist for 12 years, he has also worked on the family farm, which has given him experience in building skills such as carpentry and concrete work. However, there is no doubt in my mind this young man will excel at anything if given the chance.

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