Lynn

Lynn Messer: 3 Objectives

 

In English Comp we learn to write a compelling presentation in this order:

Tell them what you’re going to tell them.

Tell them.

Tell them what you told them.

 

First, I must tell you that I do not know anyone in the Messer family. I briefly met Kerry at a local St. Louis Homeschool Expo a few years ago while paying my Missouri Family Network contribution. The encounter lasted no more than thirty seconds. We, as a homeschool community, were periodically encouraged to give to Kerry for being our homeschool lobbyist in Jefferson City. Occasionally we were notified that the Messers were not bringing in enough money to meet their personal needs, or to function at Missouri Family Network, and we needed to send a check to them to help cover their expenses.

I wrote my first article about Lynn Messer last week. I heard about her disappearance two years ago and occasionally read the, “Find Lynn Messer” Facebook page. I’ve never been able to put her out of my heart and mind and contemplated publishing my notes and thoughts for two years. The time had come to share a different perspective of possibilities.

God is serious about me sharing lessons I’ve learned and He is serious about helping women trapped in abusive relationships. So I wasn’t surprised to find that God had a bigger plan than me for the Lynn Messer story.

*Disclaimer: I have no physical proof that Lynn Messer was in an abusive relationship or that her husband suffers from mental illness. This blog platform allows many abused women a chance to learn, perhaps for the first time, that God doesn’t expect or require them to stay in an abusive relationship. So…I’m throwing out possibilities based on coincidental circumstances…hoping to use this as an educational tool for the abused and the abuser.

I’m going to present to you stories, highlights and insights into the Messer family life through the eyes of an insider.

When you think of highlights, think of reading your high school or college history book; as you read you mark the important parts; hoping your memory will recall all the details that went with the highlighted portion. As you read the highlights of this testimony, know that there is more history to go with it, but you’re only allowed to read the highlights at this time.

Why? The priority at the moment is putting together evidence and finding closure for Lynn; and for her children and grand children.

My purpose for writing is to be a voice for the voiceless. I will at times add speculation on a few items, but I will tell you when it’s my opinion. This will be based on my background, and the testimony of other women who have lived through difficult marriages.

My objectives for writing are in line with the objectives for the interviewee:

  1. To give insight and hope to women in abusive relationships.
  2. To plead with victimizers to take a hard look in the mirror and in scripture at their sin, mental illness and/or abusive behaviors, and then repent, seek help and welcome healing.
  3. To put compelling information in front of a possible abuser’s colleagues, friends, church family and supporters—presenting evidence of a probable fraudulent life.  The life of a man who may have lived two lives under the name of one man.

 

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I also want to reexamine the role of the church, family and of friends who know, or suspect, there is abuse going on in a home. Do we hold responsibility? How can we lovingly protect and help? When do we step in and when do we wait? Do we take the knowledge of abuse to the church leadership or do we call the authorities, domestic violence, and a professional counselor? Should abused women go to counseling with their abuser? Are therapeutic separations beneficial? Does God allow for divorce?

 

Before I proceed I suggest you open your heart and mind to, outside of the box, possibilities.

It seems a lifetime ago that I was struggling and sinking in a marriage full of difficulties. For nine years I believed my husband’s lies that all the problems in our marriage, and in his career, were my fault. One day, in total despair, I picked up the phone and called our ministry mentor and his wife. I poured out my heart and told about what had taken place in my marriage since shortly after I said, “I do.”

To my shock and relief I was told that they knew there were problems, but they hadn’t said anything to me because they didn’t know if I was aware of my husband’s unhealthy ways of interacting with people. This ministry mentor had a master’s degree in psychology and his brother-in-law was a doctor of psychology who specialized in narcissistic personality disorder. After working closely with my husband, our mentor, through the help of his brother-in-law, believed my husband was suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

Let me say that a personality disorder had never entered my mind, but I went straight to the library and began researching it. NPD, in my unprofessional opinion, fit my husband’s personality completely. More research, doctor appointments, psychological tests and evaluations confirmed our mentor’s original thought.

I submit this to you because unless you live with a person you cannot truly know what they are like. Having a mentor who provides discipleship, accountability, and a close working relationship is a rare variable in finding marital problems and/or personality disorders.

Could Lynn Messer have known too much?

If you are living in a difficult relationship, with a person who seems to be in a different reality, maybe you should read up on personality disorders in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness.

*Disclaimer #2. Many people live healthy, functioning lives while living with mental illness. Mental illness does not go hand-in-hand with being a criminal or causing harm to another person.

My next blog post will begin the testimony, but for now…

I’ll start you off with the criteria of two prevalent disorders that come to mind so you can understand that not all people think or behave alike.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder¹  (Click blue title to the left to read more about this disorder)

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following  symptoms:

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  • Requires excessive admiration
  • Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
  • Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
  • Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
  • Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
  • Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

 

Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder²

(Click blue title above to read more about this disorder)

*Not to be confused with obsessive compulsive disorder—they are two different disorders. 

A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

  • Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
  • Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
  • Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)
  • Is over conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)
  • Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value
  • Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
  • Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes
  • Shows significant rigidity and stubbornness

 

 

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¹http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

²http://psychcentral.com/disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-symptoms/

 

 

MORE READING ON THE DISAPPEARANCE OF LYNN MESSER: 

World Magazine: 12/05/2014, No clues in disappearance of Missouri Pro-life leader’s wife by Gary Cumberland

World Magazine: 2/09/2015, Have you seen Lynn Messer? By Janie B. Cheaney

Lynn Messer

Toxic Tuesday: Lynn Messer Missing Person

 

Please understand, just because you know a couple doesn’t mean you know what goes on in their home. I know from experience.

To be clear; I do not know what went on in this family’s home.

A new article on the disappearance of Lynn Messer was published in the Sunday, St. Louis Post Dispatch. I will share my feelings and theories regarding this Christian, homeschool mom who has been missing for two years.Toxic Tuesday biochem hazard small

I have a different perspective than most of my friends, and homeschool community, on this subject.

Of course I’m coming from a background of living with a mentally disturbed man. A man who most people thought of as being godly, personable, funny, sincere, a dynamic speaker, a soul-winning preacher, a world traveling evangelist with a heart for hurting and needy children, a terrific communicator and writer. This was the side he wanted people to see. He lived his life on a stage; acting out the role he believed people wanted to see. Soaking in the accolades.

I lived with the real man. The dark, disturbed, dishonest, abusive, unfaithful, unbeknown to me: pedophile, controlling, woman hater who suffered from mental illness. I never told people for years. Why? See: My Destructive Marriage. I left him when I believed it was probable that our daughter and I would not again wake up alive.

Now he’s in prison, but I’m sure he is still a grand actor.

So what if I’m not the only woman who lived a life where no one would have ever guessed what my home life was like?

The letters I receive from readers tell me the problem is global. And I’m not talking about wide-spread in the secular, non-Christian arena. I’m telling you there are untold numbers of Christian women; including pastor’s wives and missionaries’ wives living in difficult marriages.

Because I read extensively on the subject of spousal abuse I can share that statistics report women who disappear under questionable circumstances are usually found dead; usually at the hands of their significant other and at the least, because of their significant other.

So when a local woman went missing two years ago my radar lit up. Of course the Christian community rallied around the man because they believed this wonderful man would never have a role in his wife’s disappearance. I hope they are correct. Their hearts went out to him when he was being questioned about his wife’s disappearance. Friends thought time was wasting and should be spent trying to find his beloved, “bride,” as he refers to her in his Facebook posts. He also refers to her as, “Ma.”

The husband reminded me too much of my former husband. Not fair, I’m sure, but I’m being honest about my gut feelings. What fed my suspicions were the posts he wrote about his bride on Facebook. It was like reading ponderings, convincing arguments, and outright lies that my former husband would have written about me; to make people believe and understand how much he loved me, needed me, and could never go on without me.  Non-truths!

I have prayed numerous times for this missing woman, and prayed about my feelings toward her husband, but I couldn’t shake the suspicions. I believed she was dead after reading the first few Facebook posts the husband wrote.

Find Lynn Messer

Husband, Kerry Messer, Missouri State Lobbyist in Jefferson City. Photo credit: Find Lynn Messer Facebook page

Shortly after Lynn’s disappearance I received a financial support letter in the mail asking for local Christian, homeschooling families to send financial gifts to help the man, as a state lobbyist for the homeschooling community, during his time of difficulty. I tossed the letter in the trash and told my husband, “I’m not helping a man who I suspect holds guilt in the disappearance of his wife.”

I’m basing opinions off my background of studying a specific mental illness. You see, people with narcissistic personality disorder, or tendencies toward it, have the same order of operations. What I saw on Facebook was possibly a man extracting huge amounts of narcissistic supply. Local friends and fellow Christians were positively supplying him…with  love, financial gifts, meals, written encouragement,  man-hours searching the 300 acre property for the wife, praise for the man’s character and marital devotion, prayers, and help around the farm.

I’m not saying the man has been diagnosed with a personality disorder; I’m stating parallels I saw, which concerned me.

I figured that no one knew the hundreds of acres as well as him and that he likely knew where the body was located.

This, if true, made his Facebook posts all the more sickening to me.

Many women report living with abusive husbands. The following are a handful of ways some of the more subtle abuse happens: The man keeps her living like she’s dirt poor while he enjoys a higher social standing. She eats simple and cheap meals while he eats the finest of food. She wears the same old clothes for years or decades while he wears new clothes. He travels and goes on expensive trips while she stays home to keep the house. He enjoys friendships with other women away from the home while she is expected not to talk to men without her husband present.

I hear from women who live in defeat and depression while believing the lies their husbands tell them. Lies such as all his problems are her fault, she isn’t talented enough, doesn’t make enough money, isn’t pretty, is boring, isn’t a good mother, isn’t a good wife, should me more like a woman the husband holds in high esteem. So many women in these relationships live in despair. Many counselors don’t get it. The man seems so put-together at counseling sessions and many Christian counselors will not reprimand a man in the presence of the wife. Read more about problems with the false sense of male entitlement here. These women can end up suicidal when they fail to find understanding or help.

Couple with this a wife reconciling in her heart and mind a public man who boldly teaches the word of God and prays, with the private man who secretly treats his wife in the home with ridicule, resentment, the silent treatment, physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual abuse due to his addiction to pornography. This may leave a woman unable to grasp reality because she has been fed a constant stream of lies.

These women can’t give enough praise to make their man feel as special as he deems himself.  The man in return doesn’t have kind works of affirmation or appreciation for who she is, nor does he recognize anything of value she provides. See: To Live But Not Exist.

These women may feel like they are crazy, will never be able to please their man, are only making life worse, and would be better off dead.

If this was Lynn’s life I wish I could have talked to her. I would have embraced her, cried with her, prayed over her and told her, “It’s not your fault. Don’t believe it. You’re beautiful, capable, talented, sweet, fun, caring and needed. You are lovable.”  Lynn

I wonder what their kids know and think; opinions, facts or questions that haven’t made it to the media. They are grown adults and I can’t imagine how they have endured through these two years. They are who my heart goes out to; and the grandchildren.

My prayer is for closure to come to those who loved and valued, Ma.

 

As someone who had to learn to look for the thread of truth woven in a story or statement there were a few comments Lynn’s husband made early in the investigation that made me pause and wonder. These statements stood out to me and didn’t leave my memory. Maybe I have an over active imagination but I truly had to learn to read my ex-husband in this way to attempt to keep my daughter safe.

Located in a July 12, 2014, Facebook post:  “In closing: For those of you who know Lynn best – you understand when I say that she is the strongest work horse on our farm. And, for those of you who know me best – you understand from Luke 14:5 that I only paraphrase Jesus’ figurative teaching, when I say that the only reason I am not with you in worship this morning is because ‘my ox is in a ditch.'” I wondered if she was literally in a ditch or hole somewhere on the property and he knew it! Where were the animals placed when they died?

Located in a July 12, 2015, Facebook post: “…to be honest, I am torn between two opposites. First is that I have to admit not being able to focus due to so many stresses, and the conviction to be transparent about it when I don’t want to be.” About what did he not want to be truthfully transparent; despite the conviction that he should be transparent?

Located in a July 12, 2015, Facebook post: “I am at a loss as to how to interact with our family members and even my own grandchildren.” Was there a sense of guilt keeping him from fully engaging and bonding with his precious family?

Located in a July 12, 2015, Facebook post”So they feed basic human nature by suggesting and planting“…Oh please tell me she wasn’t feed for something!

You may think this is sensationalism…but women who have survived abusive men know this is all in the realm of possibility. I pray the parallels are simply coincidental.

 

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Top photo credit: Find Lynn Messer Facebook profile picture

Further reading on the disappearance of Lynn Messer:

St. Louis Post Dispatch, July 17, 2016,: Missing woman case tears apart Jefferson City lobbying team

Daily Journal July 8, 2016, Family Releases New Details

Facebook: Find Lynn Messer

The Missouri Times Messer Answers Questions Raised About Missing Wife

CBS St. Louis One Year Later

 

 

 

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You Can Do It!

It is written: “Fear not, stand still (firm, confident, undismayed), and see the salvation (victory) of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians (this problem, fight, difficulty) whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Ex. 14:13-14.

Some days we’re just too tired to fight any more; or maybe we don’t have the slightest idea how to get out of our mess. Good news…remind God of His word then stand and watch Him fight for you.

Do you want to step back in your own strength or step forward into God’s and stand?

I have found that my toughest day with God is better than my best day on my own.

To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson , “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”

What lies within us? The Holy Spirit. The power that raised Christ from the dead! “ Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these…” John 14:12

That’s some power!

He left us His power and He is loving. He is gentle. He is tender. He is also persistent and wants good for us.

It is written: “I will be your safe place in difficult times.” Nahum 1:7

Go ahead…pray these verses to Him. After all, “He is God and He’s passionate about just one thing, His relationship with you.” Exodus 34:14 paraphrased

 

 

 

Scripture Typer pic

GIVEAWAY

Scripture Typer

 

I’m giddy with excitement to share this find with you.

For those of you who know me or have read some of my past blog posts you know I enjoy keeping my favorite scripture verses with me at all times. I never know when I might need encouragement, or might need to pray for a situation or person. I’ve prayed through the verses multiple times over life and death emergencies.

There is nothing more powerful than praying God’s word back to him; plus scripture is the Holy Spirit’s language…so I like to speak it.

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

God’s phone number: “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” Jeremiah 29:12

Over the last seventeen years I have filled multiple spiral index card notebooks with verses that were applicable to me during different seasons of life.

But now…

Now there is a handy, dandy app for this. And not only for this, but for many other functions. Let me tell you about this app and its superb functions. (I’m on the edge of my seat, smiling ear to ear, feeling like a little girl who was given a new favorite gift—and I’m bringing my gift for Show and Tell to demonstrate the awe and wonder of it!)

Its name: Scripture Typerscripturetyper

Cost: 50 verses for FREE, $9.99 for full version. (I used the 50 verses in 30 minutes and paid for the full version App. Priceless earthly and eternal investment!

Usable devices: Android, Kindle, Computers/laptops, iPad, iPhone

Memorize & Review Verses Anytime, Anywhere

Import Any Verse in the Bible from 10 Translations
Choose Verses from over 55 Categories
Review System Keeps You Current
Bible Memory iPhone App   Record Verses & Play Them Back
Bible Memory iPhone App   Draw Illustrations
Bible Memory iPhone App   Review with Flash Cards

So far I have these categories

  1. 2016 (Favorite verses from Bible studies and my quiet times.)
  2. Siesta 2015 (The verses I memorized with Beth Moore’s Siesta Scripture Memory Team in 2015.)
  3. It is written… (To remind me to powerfully pray God’s Word which He inspired and left for us to use as our spiritual weapon.)
  4. 2016 (Favorite verses I’ve studied in Bible study and my quiet times.)
  5. Riley (Scriptures to pray over my daughter.)
  6. AJ and Colson (Scriptures to pray over my sons.)
  7. Farm Boy  (Scriptures to pray over my husband.)

I use four of my collections for praying and memorization, and the other three for praying for my family members. New verses can be added, edited or deleted at any time.

I use ScriptureTyper when I’m driving around town in my mini-van. I simply tap the first verse in a collection, then tap ‘Play.’ You can play the entire collection or play one verse over until you have heard enough of it, or memorized it. Do this under the, ‘Play Entire Collection’ tab. There is a tab that allows you to play each entry one time or multiple times, ‘Play Each Entry’ tab. You can shuffle the entries or listen to them in the order of the books of the Bible.

One of the most difficult aspects of memorizing scripture for me is remembering the address/reference of the book, chapter and verse. So…when I have recorded the verse I also say the address. When this is finished, ScriptureTyper, gives you the option to record the reference. I record it again—then I hear the address/reference at the beginning and the end of the verse. This makes me HAPPY!

You can also scroll to the bottom of, ‘My Verses’ and click, ‘Browse Verse Library’ to find a collection you are interested in memorizing or praying. Check mark the category and click the arrow on the right. This will now show up in, ‘My Verses.’ You can click on this new category and tap, ‘Edit’ to give this category a new name. This will save you time scripturetyper versesimporting verses.

Did I mention I adore this app?

I do!

You will too!

But that’s not all…

Review your verses to keep them memorized!

As you successfully review your verses, the review interval will be slowly increased.

You can also manually adjust the review frequency of any verse. This is helpful when you add new verses that you already know well. Just click on the frequency in the list above to change it.

Browse ScriptureTyper’s verse library and you will find a tab to help you memorize the books of the Bible; along with, tabs for verses to help you remember verses on Salvation and Sharing the Gospel. They’ve thought of everything!

One more…You can tap the three little bars to the left of a verse to go to the, ‘Verse Actions’ screen. From here you can share your verse with anyone and everyone through at least 16 different communication and social apps. This is the gift that keeps on giving!

 

I’m giving away the ScriptureTyper app to one lucky/blessed/as excited about this as I am, reader. Simply tell my your favorite garden flower in the, ‘Leave a Comment’ link at the top of this blog post and you will be automatically entered to win this app. The winner will be chosen and announced next Tuesday night; May 31, 2016.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

coming soon
Status

Correction

In my last post, Appeal: Conviction Upheld, I stated that I would begin publishing articles I wrote during the time of the criminal trial.

My statement was premature since the convicted felon has other cases pending against him.

Correction

For the sake of the innocent I will, at this time, refrain from posting articles surrounding the original investigation, trial and conviction.

Thank you for understanding.

appeal court
Status

Appeal: Conviction Upheld!

P R A Y E R acronym

Now that I have composed myself and can see through my tear filled eyes I want to give you an update on a court case you, my GiveMe Chocolate readers, prayed for on multiple occasions two years ago.

Last month the Kansas Court of Appeals heard the case regarding my former husband who was convicted for sex crimes against children. If I understood correctly he appealed on the grounds that there was a serious error of law, or that the evidence did not support the verdict in his criminal trial.

On March 15, 2016 his appeal was heard before the Kansas Appellate Court. I was told it could take 3-6 months for the opinion to come back; perhaps longer, but the judgment came in much earlier; April 22, 2016.

I’ve always been confident of the answer God gave me years ago regarding the finality of the arrest and pending conviction. Yet, I have to admit I think my faith skipped a beat when I saw my email inbox today with the memo: “Butler case,” because I literally gasped and felt sick to my stomach at the same time. Then I reminded myself that it was a done deal and opened the email from the Victim/Witness Coordinator.

 

 

On April 22nd, the Kansas Court of Appeals affirmed the convictions.

 

Then the big, heavy duty, steaming hot, grateful heart, broken heart—for the little children, thankful sobs fell like a thunderstorm. My poor boys felt helpless as they watched and heard their mom bawl. I had to tell them I was fine, that my tears were happy tears on top of years of sad tears as I repeated at least ten times, “Thank you, God.”

I’m still crying grateful tears. So if you see me this week and I randomly start crying; I’m okay. I’m grateful.

Now that the appeals process is over I can publicly publish my writings from the time of the trail. I will release one a day for the next few days, starting tomorrow.

Between the time of the conviction and the time of the appeal the defendant managed to commit two crimes while in prison; one of which was a felony.

 

 

Link

Millenials and “Cool” Christianity

Damaris

Allow me to introduce you to Damaris.

I have known her since she was a young elementary grade student and now she’s in college. I adore her—so when I saw that she was writing I naturally wanted to share her thoughts with you.

Damaris recently wrote an article for an online website, Odyssey, which showcases student-written articles that are posted on Facebook and shared on all forms of social media.  Odyssey is a social content platform for millennials, from all walks of life, to share their ideas and perspectives about relevant topics which otherwise may not be heard. I’m so proud of Damaris for her bold stand.

We live in a society where words; descriptions and slang, are tossed around without thought and Damaris does a terrific job of addressing the issue.

Please hear the gentleness in my voice: For those of you who are not believers in Jesus; this article does not apply to you. This is fodder for debate among those who claim to be Christians.

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Image credit: Damaris Wyand

Millenials and ‘Cool Christianity reminds me of when God, in Genesis, gave Jacob the name Israel. We read in Exodus 1:9 that God’s people, who are slaves in Egypt, are still called the Israelites. They could have been forced to assimilate into the Egyptian culture, or they could have attempted to become part of the Egyptian empire, but they didn’t. They remained different from the nation and culture around them.  I think their peculiarities kept them enslaved; knitted together. If the Egyptians had been friendly to the Israelites it would have been easy to melt into the surroundings.  God didn’t want them to blend. He wanted them to be set apart; not accepted as friends of the society. We are not called to soak in our culture. We are called to exude Christ-likeness.

“Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night.” Psalm 1: 1-2

The above verses also speak to us on the topic of ‘Cool Christianity’. We are called to be Toxic Tuesday biochem hazard smallfriendly, to love other people, and to speak the truth in love which is different than walking alongside them and absorbing their worldly philosophies. We do not stake claim with them, or affirm or agree with what they are saying, or doing, if it is out of line with scripture.

Keep writing, Damaris! You do it well and I agree with you, “Let’s try to have as much of Jesus as possible and become more like Him. If the world rejects us, all the better. We are not here to blend in anyway.” We are to glorify God, love Him while we love and serve others, maintain unity with fellow Christians, and keep our identity in God—like the Israelites did.

A person who knows right from wrong and chooses to do what’s wrong is a sinner.

Is there forgiveness of sins? Of course! Christ’s finished work on the cross provides our redemption through the free gift of grace.

The apostle, Paul, addressed this in the book of Romans:

 So what do we do? Keep on sinning so God can keep on forgiving? I should hope not! If we’ve left the country where sin is sovereign, how can we still live in our old house there? Or didn’t you realize we packed up and left there for good? That is what happened in baptism. When we went under the water, we left the old country of sin behind; when we came up out of the water, we entered into the new country of grace—a new life in a new land!

That’s what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father so that we can see where we’re going in our new grace-sovereign country.” Romans 6:1-5 The Message

 

Read Millenials and “Cool” Christianity by Damaris Wyand at theoddyseyonline.com

 

Naghmeh Abedini: How Do We Respond? Part 3

Naghmeh Abedini photo

Naghmeh Abedini’s Facebook Profile pic

In How Do We Respond: Part 2 I worked off the premise that, “Domestic violence and abuse of any type is not a marital issue; it is an abuse issue.”

“The abuser needs healing.”

Now on to my reasoning for having the abuser obtain counseling without the presence or help of the spouse: The victim shares no responsibility in the abuser’s character, attitude or actions.

There is scriptural precedence for blame not being split down the middle.

Let’s consider Nabal and Abigail from I Samuel 25. Abagail was living in an abusive nightmare. And let’s make one thing clear: No woman deserves to be abused. Education, social standing, beauty, or lack thereof…nothing gives cause for a human to be treated with abuse yet we read of Nabal, an abusive husband to, Abigail, “an intelligent and beautiful woman.” The Bible describes Nabal as harsh and evil in his dealings. I Samuel 25:3. I understand a good deal about narcissistic personality disorder and will restate what I have read numerous times from Christian psychologists; Nabal was a narcissist.  He was utterly selfish, ungrateful, mean, sarcastic, arrogant, and lacked any amount of empathy.

An extremely wealthy Nabal refused David’s request to feed David’s 600 men. That was the hospitable custom of the day for travelers; especially since David and his men had been protecting Nabal’s workers from theft and harm during their stay in the desert. Thereafter, when David went to kill Nabal and the males who belonged to Nabal, he met Abigail riding her donkey on the road. She was a wise woman and was on her way to intercede with food and drinks, and to ask for forgiveness. I imagine she was thinking of her innocent family members; not Nabal. Abigail, “got off her donkey” and pleaded, “Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name—his name means Fool, and folly goes with him. And as for me, your servant, I did not see the men my lord sent.” After David listened to Abigail’s appeal, he was impressed by her and thanked her for keeping him from bloodshed that day.

Abigail showed immense courage; plus she was sensible, capable and persuasive. Being an abused woman DOES NOT mean you are weak, incapable, stupid, unattractive, boring in the bedroom, or insensible. Most likely you are strong. How else could you survive the abuse?  Nabal could have severely punished Abigail for her independent actions that went against the rules of marriage in those days. David and his men could have taken her life and continued on to massacre Nabal’s household.Yes, Abigail, was strong and courageous.

David was wise. He listened. He took extra time and effort to understand Abigail’s predicament. He did not hold Abigail responsible for her husband’s actions or tell her she held a portion of responsibility for his actions.  Neither did the Lord; in fact, when Abigail told Nabal what she had done, “He became like a stone.” Possibly he became so worked up that, “His heart failed him.” Ten days later the Lord took Nabal.

I can’t tell you how many abused women have hoped for such an ending. I would like to take a poll and find out for myself. That may sound terrible but I’m just being honest. The flip side of this is the numerous women who were in total despair, saw no hope, and imagined there was no way out; choosing instead to end their lives with suicide.

 

Now let us take a look at Lot and his wife in Genesis 19.  This is the account of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah; the city which archaeologists claim to have found in the last few years.

Sodom and Gomorrah is a stern, wise warning that indulgence, not restrained by the Holy Spirit in us, arouses lust and can leave us continually wanting more. Lot, his wife and their family were told to, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back.” Lot’s wife disobeyed the urgent command and looking back, turned into a pillar of salt. Did the Lord judge Lot by his wife’s actions? No. Lot’s wife made an independent decision and received the foretold consequence for her actions.

Now we will look at Joseph in Genesis 39. He acted honorably with truth yet Potiphar’s wife persuasively lied resulting in Joseph’s imprisonment.  I believe Potiphar probably knew his wife was lying and that is why he, “Burned with anger” when he heard the accusation. Because Potiphar’s entire household, including slaves and servants, heard the charge; he was forced to take swift action.  Potiphar chose not to have Joseph executed; in fact, Potiphar (Captain of the guard a.k.a.; prison warden) still trusted and respected Joseph and saw fit to place Joseph in charge of everyone, and responsible for everything done in the prison.

This is often what women go through in joint counseling when the husband spins a different story. They play the role of victim and the wife gets scolded; leaving  her isolated, in despair and in an emotional prison because the professional they trusted to see through the grand acting is blind, deaf and dumb to his antics. Her husband looks great to others around them, and she hurts and grieves horrifically behind closed doors in her home. It is common for the wife to be disbelieved; leaving her beaten down.  The wife may feel like the counselor just dug her grave so her husband could bury her alive.

Another problem women tend to have is that some male counselors refuse to call the husband on the carpet over his abuse in front of the wife due to the patriarchal system to which some Christians adhere. In such cases the counselor will reprimand the wife for her desperation or for showing emotional responses to her deep marital wounds. A patriarchal social system can be defined as a system where men are in authority over women in all aspects of society; a false sense of male entitlement. This system employed by an abuser can lead to further verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse in the home; silencing the victim. We need people who will hear and,

 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves;
ensure justice for those being crushed.
 Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless,
and see that they get justice.” Proverbs 31:8-9.

Many in our own American culture seem to hold a view of women as substandard beings. Case in point: Google all the revolting, insensitive, demeaning statements presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, says about women. We don’t need him standing at the top of that slippery slope encouraging other men to join him for the ride.

 “Women, our gender will not flourish in a political climate where we are objectified OR deified.” –Beth Moore

The church needs to educate itself on domestic abuse. There are women you see in church every Sunday who are sitting next to their abuser. She has done nothing wrong and yet most counselors would give her at least a gentle rebuke for saying anything negative about her husband when she desperately needs someone to hold the abuser accountable. A gentle rebuke for the abuser serves no purpose; in fact it is a nauseating jest for the woman, as nothing changes. Only strong accountability by the church and a counselor who specializes in rehabilitating abusers will help.

To read a chilling account of a husband and wife who both lacked integrity and who were equally paired in their deceptive ways, duly receiving the same consequence, read Acts 5:1-11. This lesson is not about marital abuse but rather marital co-conspiracy. Peter exposed their fraud of lying to the Holy Spirit and embezzlement.  The punishment was proportionate to both; death.

Isaiah 1:17 reads, “Learn to do good; seek justice; reprove the ruthless; defend the orphan; plead for the widow.” Women in this situation are widows; sometimes they are married widows because their husbands have emotionally and spiritually divorced them.

When abuse revelations come forth from a woman in ministry, or she is married to a spouse in ministry, or is publicly well-known—few are interested in hearing the truth of her suffering, and fewer are willing to risk supporting her. It’s uncomfortable to hear. Unless you are living it, it is difficult to imagine such behavior is possible from someone who has been held in such high regard. Although the husband has emotionally and spiritually left the wife he pours on the charisma, charming smiles, spiritual talk, and engaging conversation to outsiders.

“I fear many of us have confused Christendom with Christ. We equate Christian institutions and organizations with the Son of God. They are not the same. Christendom is not even the same as the true body of Christ. Jesus Himself told us that. He said there are tares among the wheat, wolves among the sheep, and whitewashed humans posing as believers — sometimes in leadership. We long to be comfortable somewhere, to fit in, to feel at home, and so we let ourselves think Christendom is safe and fail to see and assess and discern. Instead we listen and follow, or we remain silent. Many poor sheep have unknowingly followed a blind guide and landed in a pit. Christendom, like all institutions or organizations, tries to protect itself. If you doubt that, just expose a case of child sexual abuse by a leader and watch what happens.  Christendom has used Scripture to support or hide slavery, racism, domestic violence, and other cruelties our God hates. I fear Christendom today has become less interested in truth and more interested in power and protecting that power. Many have acquired fame, money, status, reputation, and kingdoms. At the same time we are steeped in pornography, marriages are failing in large numbers, the next generation is turning away, and we tolerate leaders in our organizations and pulpits who feed off the sheep. We have had a lot of recent headlines about Christian leaders and Christian systems that look nothing like our Lord. Christendom is not Christ.”¹   – Diane Langberg  

 

This reminds me of when leaders were waiting to see if Jesus would challenge Sabbath teachings by healing a man, (Mark 3) and a woman (Luke 13) on that day. Jesus did heal the needy man and woman, and he told the leaders that the Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath. I believe the same applies to marriage.

The church must choose to love people more than they love things such as the institution of marriage. My commitment to my marriage covenant, and my false belief that divorce was wrong in all cases, kept me in a very sick and dangerous marriage for too long. You cannot make your husband love you, or reason with him to stop the abuse.

Wives in abusive relationships long for their abuser to be reasonable.  This will not happen. He’ll justify every offensive word and action. His refusal is the headquarters of his control. Nothing is more frustrating, or more difficult, than living with an unfair, unreasonable, and self-centered abuser.

I have learned that the percentage of abusive men who actually change is close to nil. It usually only escalates. This is a sad fact. It isn’t hopeless if the husband wants to work through the dysfunction because he, “Can do all things through Christ who strengthens” him. We know our God is the God who makes impossibilities possible.

Regardless of an abuser’s cruelty, selfishness, deceit, unfaithfulness, addiction, and/or weakness,—it can’t trump God’s strength.

Prayer for Naghmeh is essential during this time. I hope many more choose to cover her in prayer.

Naghmeh is handling the marital separation with strength that comes only from God, and I admire how she is taking her stand quietly, working hopefully, not bashing her husband, and yet preserving her own dignity.

 

___________________________________________________

¹ http://byfaithonline.com/suffering-and-the-heart-of-god/?platform=hootsuite

 

MORE ARTICLES ON NAGHMEH ABEDINI:

Naghmeh Abedini: How Do We Respond? Part 1 March 1, 2016

Naghmeh Abedini: How Do We Respond? Part 2 March 3, 2106

Naghmeh Abedini’s Leaked Letter December 8, 2015

She Said He Said: Naghmeh and Saeed Abedini February 2, 2016

 

 

 

 

Video

Undeniable

On this Good Friday as we look forward to celebrating the day of redemption; Easter, I am reminded that the cross is not just for those who need to find Jesus. The cross is the power that keeps me energized, sane and living every day with purpose. Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy everything dear to me; multiple times over, but by the power of Christ’s finished work on the cross, Satan has not triumphed and he will not win. Not only does the power of the cross save me in life; it will save me in death when I see my Savior face to face for all eternity.

How sure of this am I, you may be asking?

100%!

Jesus is more alive, real and involved in my daily life than any human being I have known, or will know.

 #alwaysready #openuptheheavens #Sundayiscoming #Helives

Easter darkness fell

” For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” Romans 1:20

 

Status

P.R.A.Y.E.R. for Innocent Children

P R A Y E R acronym

This is a post from two years ago that is fresh on my mind today. So I share…please join me in praying for the continued safety of innocent children.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I may not be able to keep all child molesters off the street or pray specifically for all children who have suffered childhood victimization, but I can make a difference in four lives that I know of; possibly untold numbers of others.

So I pray.

Sixteen years ago I had concerns about a specific person’s behaviors and fourteen years ago the suspicions were confirmed. I have prayed fourteen years for God’s hand to bring safety and justice. Waiting on God’s sovereignty has been one of the most difficult faith walks of my life. Scripture, prayer and my daily relationship the Lord have been at times the only glue holding my sanity together.

I have wanted to shout from the roof tops and mountain tops what I know is true about this person, or point people in the direction of legal and professional documentation regarding this person, but a judge in a court of law made it clear I was not to keep this clergy member from attaining and keeping gainful employment.

I pray this is the week of redemption, of ‘Vengence is mine’, says the Lord, of justice, of vindication, of “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6

I pray this is the beginning of needed healing for young victims, young victims the church did not believe. My heart weeps and breaks for them…

Always believe the children.

Let us together end the reign of a child victimizer.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Scriptures to pray:

Proverbs 14:16 – The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure.

Proverbs 14:33 – Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning and even among fools she lets herself be known.

Proverbs 15:2 – The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

Proverbs 15:14 – The discerning heart seeks knowledge,

Proverbs 16:22 – Prudence is a fountain of life to the prudent, but folly brings punishment to fools.

Proverbs 17:24 – A discerning person keeps wisdom in view

Psalm 75 (The Message)

We thank you, God, we thank you—
your Name is our favorite word;
your mighty works are all we talk about.

2-4 You say, “I’m calling this meeting to order,
I’m ready to set things right.
When the earth goes topsy-turvy
And nobody knows which end is up,
I nail it all down,
I put everything in place again.
I say to the smart alecks, ‘That’s enough,’
to the bullies, ‘Not so fast.’”

5-6 Don’t raise your fist against High God.
Don’t raise your voice against Rock of Ages.
He’s the One from east to west;
from desert to mountains, he’s the One.

7-8 God rules: he brings this one down to his knees,
pulls that one up on her feet.
God has a cup in his hand,
a bowl of wine, full to the brim.
He draws from it and pours;
it’s drained to the dregs.
Earth’s wicked ones drink it all,
drink it down to the last bitter drop!

9-10 And I’m telling the story of God Eternal,
singing the praises of Jacob’s God.
The fists of the wicked
are bloody stumps,
The arms of the righteous
are lofty green branches.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The lyrics in this video are applicable for boys and girls who have been victimized.

npd language
Link

Guest Post: The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate Their Victims

 

Validation.

Isn’t that what so many people who suffer from narcissistic abuse long for in their lives? Yes!  (Most sufferers are women since the majority of narcissists are men.)

I hear from so many of you who live with, or are in some type of relationship with, a narcissist. Many of you tell me of being divorced from your narcissist, but your children are stuck in the middle and are still heavily influenced, and/or abused by him.

Here is another article that will remind you: You’re not crazy, and you can take back the control and power from your abuser.

GUEST POST:

The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate Their Victims

 

a real man is

 

Gallery

Naghmeh Abedini: How Do We Respond? Part 2

Save Saeed

One of many times Naghmeh brought her husband’s unjust imprisonment to the attention of the world.

 

Domestic violence and abuse of any type is not a marital issue; it is an abuse issue.

The abuser needs healing.

If a woman’s husband has cancer she cannot go to the doctor and receive treatment for him, nor can she consume half of his prescriptions for him. He would need to take all the treatments and meds by himself; for himself. In the case of marital abuse; experts recommend isolated counseling for the abuser. Alone. Long term. Without the spouse.

 

This is a continuation of my last blog post, “Naghmeh Abedini: How Do We Respond?”

Saeed prayer vigil

One of several prayer vigils and times of fasting and praying, Naghmeh, led on behalf of her husband.

Today I again write from a place of vulnerability for the sake of abused Christian wives, especially pastors’ and missionaries’ wives, who are in abusive marriages. My heart goes out to hurting women who are not believed when they finally muster up the courage to tell their family, friends and/or church that they have been secretly abused in their own home and are now seeking help and healing.

As I wrote in my last blog post; Christian women are taught to stay, pray, hope, encourage, love through actions, and wait on God. Here is the catch—God gives us free choice and the spouse has a choice in the outcome. The above does not apply in an abusive marriage or a marriage plagued with unfaithfulness.  God does allow for separation and divorce. See Toxic Intervention. A Toxic Relationship and a Therapeutic Separation. Biblical Permission to Leave a Toxic Spouse.

You never know what goes on in someone else’s home. You have no way of understanding if the woman sitting next to you in Bible study, or worshiping next to you in church is secretly being mistreated in  her home. If she should muster up the courage to tell you; please listen. Please believe her.

GRACE 11

What is at the root of abuse?

Most abuse comes from one, or a combination, of these factors:

  1. Pornography and sexual addictions
  2. Substance abuse
  3. Personality disorders or untreated mental illness
  4. Deep seeded societal and/or nonbiblical religious views of women as objects/property
  5. The abuser has a background of victimization
  6. The abuser is emulating what they learned as a child from their own dysfunctional parent/s.

Yet an admission of guilt from the abuser is rare; and more exceptional is an abuser seeking heartfelt help to overcome their attitudes and actions. What’s more common is the abuser denying responsibility, placing the blame on the victim, and justifying every unloving word, dishonorable behavior, and/or violent act. As if this isn’t difficult enough for the wife to survive (or in some cases the man because there are abused men too) she has to endure his grand acting ability to win over anyone who will listen to him.

By the way; the above is not limited to marriages. It can be found in other relationships: Friendships, significant others, extended family, siblings, co-workers, politicians, community leaders, or neighbors.

In Naghmeh Abedini’s case she has to endure seeing television and internet interviews, and reading newspapers, blogs, forums and Facebook posts where Saeed acts like nothing is wrong except a wife who has undergone extreme stress for the last few years during his imprisonment and needs help overcoming her issues.

I understand some of Naghmeh’s heartache and frustration, but I never suffered in a media driven, national and international, environment as she is.

By the way—you’ll notice I don’t refer to Saeed as, Pastor Saeed. It is purposeful due to the fact that he is not an ordained pastor through any church denomination, or non-denomination; rather he purchased a mail order certificate.¹ Plus the Bible has clear teachings about those in leadership and teaching positions in the church for which Saeed does not presently qualify.

“Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseerdesires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.” I Timothy 3:1-7

 

In a statement to the Idaho Statesman (January 30, 2016), Saeed thanked his wife for advocating on his behalf. He said that his marriage is troubled and that he is not perfect, but he downplayed the allegations of abuse.

“Much of what I have read in Naghmeh’s posts and subsequent media reports is not true,” he said in the statement. “But I believe we should work on our relationship in private and not on social media or other media.”

“In private.” “Not on social media or other media.”His words.

Two weeks later on social media Saeed posted this:


FACEBOOK:  Saeed Abedini
 added 2 new photos — with Saeed Abedini.

February 14 at 8:38pm ·

Warm Greetings Dear Saints!

We Love because He first Loved us. (1John 4:19)

This is my first post on Facebook after 4 long years of imprisonment. I see there is a LOVE story between us as I went through hardship of imprisonment by you showing your support with sending hundreds & thousands of letters of encouragement and LOVE to the prison. 1000’s of cities and countries and locations gathering for pray vigils, sending gifts to my wife and children, etc.. .
You created a LOVE story that even Muslims in Iran talked about.

My beloved sisters and brothers, I want you to know how much I LOVE you and how much Your prayers and support changed my situation and how much I am thankful for your heart and Care.
I am grateful for marriage counselors who have been helping me but my wife’s relationship with me is not good at this point, so we need prayer that she joins this counseling process with us.

Free By Christ For Christ
Saeed Abedini

 

An emotionally and spiritually healthy husband would not put such a spin on his words. I read an agenda, an ulterior motive coming through loud and clear. He could have requested, “Please pray for my family” but didn’t. He referred to marital problems and stated, “My wife’s relationship with me is not good.” He manipulated words to indicate to his readers that Naghmeh is the one getting in the way of reconciliation; not him.  Please refer to my opening paragraph, “Domestic violence and abuse of any type is not a marital issue; it is an abuse issue.”

Abusers lack humility and honesty. They fail to take responsibility for their role in the condition of their family and marriage.

A godly man would not treat his wife like this—he should advocate his willingness to seek healing and restoration, or make a full admission and acknowledge she has biblical grounds to leave him. Publically, Saeed is making no attempt to win her back. We read nothing like this.

 

This reminds me of my own ex-husband. He was abusive in the home, ripe with mental illness, and void of conscience all while publicly portraying the godly, soul-winning, personable, full of charisma, scripture quoting, dynamic speaking pastor.

While he was sitting in jail, awaiting trial for being a child molester he penned a letter. The letter was downright disturbing for me to read but what angered me was the fact that the evangelistic association he sent it to believed him. Then they adored him—and praised him—and forwarded the letter to their prayer and financial partners all over the world so they could pray for this (supposed) humble, misunderstood, wrongly accused man of God. Read the letter here: Man Sentenced to Life in Prison Under Jessica’s Law

 

Based on personal messages I receive from readers; abusers know no boundaries and come from every walk of life including Christian ministry homes. I read of abuse in evangelical homes being common place. I read of some church ministries which recommend the wife stay silent for the sake of Christ’s reputation. What!

Christ does not need us to protect His reputation. He is completely secure in who He is. There is nothing we can do, good or evil, that changes who He is and what He can do.

The book of Isaiah holds a prophecy of the coming Messiah: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,  to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,” Isaiah 61:1b

He came to set us free; on earth, and for eternity.

“Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead expose them;” Ephesians 5:11

 

Sincere sorrow, true repentance, and a renewed heart toward his wife and children would keep Saeed Abedini out of the spotlight, or at least initiate confessing his problems so healing and reconciliation could happened in his family.  Instead he is enjoying the fame and taking advantage of the free press, television air time, and financial help while it is available while showing no remorse for his actions toward his wife.

 

As my ex-husband insisted, God had called him to the ministry and not even his wife and child were going to keep him from his calling. The truth was he relished the public popularity ministry afforded him, and he enjoyed his sinful, messed up choices in life more than he desired healing and reconciliation.

Many friends, mentors, family members and church leaders attempted to call my ex-husband (at the time my husband) to accountability. People saw character flaws, sin issues, and leadership problems but he refused help, church discipline, and would not listen to those in authority over him.

 

I’m glad Saeed Abedini was delivered from an unjust prison sentence. I pray he finds the strength and courage to repent, honor God and honor Naghmeh, and show both God and Naghmeh respect from a grateful heart; a heart full of healed, true love.

In my next post I will give scriptural precedence for blame not being split down the middle for a marriage in crisis due to abuse.

Naghmeh remains verbally, publicly challenged by many who do not believe her story.  I hope through sharing my history and insight with my readers that more people choose to trust her testimony, and lift her up in prayer.

 

GRACE 5

 

_______________________

¹. Facedbook; Naghmeh Abedini, public profile page, March 1, 2016, 6:07 a.m.

love and admire for strength

Naghmeh Abedini: How Do We Respond?

Naghmeh Abedini photo

Naghmeh Abedini’s Facebook profile pic

I’ve never found a handbook that teaches a woman how to, step by step, respond or react to her abuser. Emotionally and spiritually there is rarely consistent logic to a victim’s response to abuse. It isn’t easy to reconcile what’s supposed to be love with what is committed as abuse.  No two abusers are alike and their victims have different coping techniques.

In this, and future posts, I will share my thoughts on Naghmeh Abedini’s abuse allegations.

An abuse victim play-by-play book doesn’t exist; however, there are helpful books on the subject that can now be found for sale or at your local library; for that I’m thankful.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage  

See the Emotionally Destructive Marriage website

Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of their Husbands

 

Why did Naghmeh take so long to tell, you may be asking?  Toxic Tuesday biochem hazard small

Possibly, simply because Christian women don’t tell.

Good wives don’t talk poorly about their husbands. You never tell your family because that may incite them to not like him—and they might encourage you to leave him. We are taught at Bible College, in the church and by godly older women that we never speak poorly of our husbands; especially when you are in the ministry—which she was.

They are to encourage their husbands, respect their husbands, forgive them, pray for them, hope in them, help them, and make love a daily action even when they don’t feel like it. Be intentional about how they respond in love; not frustration or anger. Don’t dwell on the negative; concentrate on the good parts. Be the one to set the tone for the atmosphere in their home to keep it positive and productive. Let go of pride.

Don’t compare their marriage to anyone else’s marriage. Don’t compare their attitude or actions to his. Pray that God will change their heart and through that, improve the difficulties in their marriage.

Care, adore, smile, kiss passionately, forgive, forgive again, be gracious, listen, compliment him, comfort him, and be content. Stay…always stay the course—it WILL pay off. It will!  It does not matter how the woman feels; what matters is how they respond. With God, all things are possible! Especially if both of you profess Christ as your Lord and Savior.(The above does not apply in an abusive marriage or a marriage plagued with unfaithfulness.)

Remember there were reasons she grew to love him in the first place. There were and are good qualities too.

Many Christian women who are abused by their husbands often suffer in silence; praying and waiting on God to deliver them while being careful not to shout from the rooftops, or whisper in the corner, their husband’s abusive nature.

Add in public ministry, and revealing the abuse becomes more difficult. Remember she did take legal action against him in 2007 for domestic abuse.

On top of all this, if it were me, I would begin to notice that life was easier without him around. A wife would notice, “I’m beginning to feel like myself again, I am competent, I’m not crazy, and it’s not all my fault.” The realization might be followed by a sigh of relief that the abuse has stopped due to his imprisonment.

Then God calls you to do what no one else will have the passion to do for the father of your children, and that is be a voice to citizens, churches and government for the plight of persecuted Christians around the globe; along with, your husband and other American citizens being held hostage; wrongly imprisoned in Iran. Toss in being in the international spotlight and you have a recipe for keeping quiet in the moment.

And if God called me to do this for my husband; I would hope and believe with all my heart that the man I love would come home, if he comes home, a changed man. Come home repentant and apologetic for the ways he abused me and didn’t love me the way God intended for him to love me. Yes, in my mind I would believe God allowed him to be wrongly imprisoned to get his attention and lead him to change his heart and actions.

 

We can make many guesses as to why God allowed Saeed to be freed from prison at the same time as allowing this story to come out in the news. I believe God’s heart and will is to humble and bring Saeed Abedini to true repentance—something being a hostage in prison seemingly failed to do.

I also believe God wants to set the prisoners of spousal abuse free. Naghmeh’s story has international pull.  Let’s pray for freedom to happen instead of enabling her husband’s sin through undeserved flattering praise.

Jesus Christ never treated women in a hard-hearted or dismissive way, or used violence against women for any purpose. Jesus came to give our dignity, worth and voice back to us.

 

Over time I have become a HUGE advocate of individual treatment for abusers; which does not include traditional marital counseling between the husband and wife. THIS DOES NOT WORK! Abusers tend to be smooth talkers who NEVER take responsibility for their actions. NEVER! They spin, justify and explain away every abusive word and action. This can cause total despair for the wife and has on occasion led to abused women committing suicide.

I’m saddened that there are several men, and even some pastors and leaders, who are treating Naghmeh in a dismissive—you have a part in this too—way. She is the victim! She bears no responsibility in Saeed’s treatment of her. For Saeed, or anyone, to say counseling cannot happen unless Naghmeh joins him is foolish.¹ At this point they do not need marital counseling; Saeed needs long-term, professional counsel from a godly teacher who specializes in rehabilitating abusers. Until then, Naghmeh has every right to maintain distance. Most counselors would want to split blame down the middle between Saeed and Naghmeh, but those who specialize in treating abusers know all the blame goes squarely on the shoulders of Saeed.

Few want to risk supporting the abused wife.

Please join me in supporting her through prayer to the One who hears, who knows, who cares, and who acts on behalf of the prayers.

To be continued…

if he really loves you

¹. Facedbook; Saeed Abedini, public profile page, February 14, 2016 at 10:38 p.m.

 

Link

Why Men Don’t Change

Source: Why Men Don’t Change

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I’ve been a reader of Gary Thomas’s books for several years and I’m always thankful for his spiritual insight and practical applications.

This article will be helpful to many of my readers who are in difficult marriages, or know a friend or loved one in a difficult marriage. The difficulty could be due to mental illness or ‘functional fixedness.’ Although some mental illnesses have roots in chemical imbalance or genetics; many are due to long rooted sin that has become a ‘normal’ way of life, but make no mistake, it is a sinful pattern and it CAN be changed. The person has to want to change and that is where Gary Thomas has insight into how to pray for this change. His future blogs will have practical application on the subject.

“Many wives live with great frustration because even though they point out to their husbands how much they are hurting, their husbands don’t seem to care and they don’t change. In many cases, this is due to ‘functional fixedness,’ which means a man isn’t motivated by his wife’s pain; he’s only motivated by his pain. This is a spiritual condition and directly related to his spiritual maturity. If you or someone you know is stuck in the mire of living with a recalcitrant spouse, you might find this post particularly helpful.”

 

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