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Lynn Messer: Note, what note?

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This letter is reprinted with permission.

Aarron and Abram Messer have been cowriting public letters and posting them under notes on Aarron Messer’s Facebook page.

Aarron and Abram Messer, Wednesday, November 30, 2016

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Week before last during an interview my father seemingly opened his wallet and showed the world a note that my mother allegedly left when she disappeared on July 8th 2014. That’s it right up there. Of course that’s not all of it. As Kerry said in that interview he couldn’t share the other half because it wasn’t addressed to him. My daughter commented to me the other day almost nonchalantly “grandma didn’t write that.” “What do you mean?” I asked and she said what I have thought and wouldn’t couldn’t say out loud, “grandma didn’t call grandpa, “Pa” she called him “Pop.” Grandpa would get so frustrated and correct her because he wanted to be called Pa, but she called him Pop”. It’s true and it’s just one of many questions and problems with the truth about this note that my dad has now shared.
See on that morning, one I never wanted to experience, I can remember as clear as day hearing about the note from my dad, I was the first person to hear about it. The very first words that were told to me about it led me to assume it was a suicide note. But that is not the case. At 6:30 AM I pulled down the driveway and parked out by the barn. My daughter Emily had a show steer that she needed to work with and mom had left me a message the night before about being sure I was there before 7AM when the summer day would start to heat up.
I had been working at a firework stand in Concordia Missouri several hundred miles away for the past few weeks. The kids had been with their mother in Nebraska and in-between when the kids weren’t with me Kris my Ex refused to bring the kids to work with the show steers like they needed too. The drama between my Ex and my parents is a footnote though. The long and the short is simple Kris would not step foot on the farm so during her summer custody times my mother had been working with Emily’s steer.
Just the week before that steer had stepped on her foot breaking her toe. But that morning while my grumbling teenage daughter stubborn and bitterly began to work with her steer. I listened as the sound of a 4wheeler somewhere on the farm came closer. I saw my dad driving down the hill that’s where my mothers scent trail that the search dogs followed from the house ended, and the path to the back field where we eventually found mom. He came down the driveway and into the barnyard. Emily and her steer were just crossing the barnyard and I was preparing to close the gate to the show ring in the middle of the barnyard when he began to speak.
My dad asked, “What’s your plan today?” I told him we were working with the steer, that I needed to be in Fenton to do a little side work, and that mother was going to watch the kids that morning till I got back. My dad’s next words, I will never forget. “Well, I can’t find your mother, and she left a note that has me concerned.” He explained that he had been looking for her since early that morning when he woke up alone, and then he said, “why don’t you just take the kids and head on home today?” Now I was in total shock and my mind was racing a million different ways.
I asked him if he had checked my house? We had spent the night at my girlfriends 20 miles away and hadn’t been home so my house a mile away just off the farm would be a quiet place to get away too and no one would have noticed her being there. He told me no, and as I stood dumbfounded and confused in the middle of the barnyard he parked the 4 wheeler, jumped in his truck and drove off the farm. Kerry as we found later lied to the investigators multiple times denying he had left the farm that morning. He only admitted to having left the farm after he failed a polygraph in May of 2015, this was the second polygraph he failed. All just before investigators informed us of his new relationship.
I want you to understand and it’s important that you grasp this, in the same breath as learning my mother was missing my dad told me the note existed and that the note was something that clearly had my dad convinced that my mother may have harmed herself. That’s right the very first words about mom being missing and the note that my dad spoke to anyone was that the note caused him to be concerned that she might hurt herself. He said this with a tone that implied mom might have just killed herself. In fact the very first phone call I made to anyone a few minutes later was a weeping overwhelmed conversation with my girlfriend telling her that my mom is missing and that my dad is afraid she might have killed herself.
I want you to contrast this with the intentional words that my father has spoken telling us and insisting that this was not a suicide note, and making the case that my mother was off her rocker because of medication and had maybe wondered off confused in the middle of the night. I panicked but me panicking is a somewhat reasoned response, I searched the farm around me immediately. Now I had no reason to think my dad was hiding my mother’s body, but I will be frank I didn’t know what to do. So, I searched the trunk of their car, their basement, the attics, I searched the outbuildings, the apartment, the loft, I opened the grain barrels in the barn, I ran frantically searching any place a person could be hidden right there in the barnyard.
My daughter had practiced with her steer and she was done, so I sent her to put him back in the backyard. I put my kids in the car and drove home. My overwhelming dread was compounded, my dad had driven off he hadn’t answered any questions he was gone, my mom was missing I hadn’t been home for 2 weeks and the front door to my house was wide open when I pulled up. I had the kids wait in the car and I searched my own home, every room, the garage, the basement, the attic. No signs of anyone. It hit me maybe dad had left the door open moments earlier? I tried to call dad, no answer, I called 911. If my dad has been searching for my mom since 4AM and he hasn’t seen anything we need help.
I like many people had no idea what they could do? After all don’t the police make you wait 24hours before you can file a missing person’s report? Dispatch said they would have an officer call me. I have no home phone and I often lose signal in my home, so I gave them my parent’s phone number. Almost as soon as I hung up I realized dad isn’t home! I called Abram. I asked him did dad call the police yet, “I don’t know… “Well did he tell you about the note? ” just now, he called me and told me to go move the cows… he was up here at 4:15 this morning and he didn’t tell me anything about a note, earlier! … “Well when I was working with Emily and her steer this morning dad said mom is missing and he found some note she left that has him concerned.””
As we talked it became clear Abram woke up at about 4:15AM, as Kerry was trying to open his front door. Kerry asked how the 4wheeler ended up at his house, Abram explained he had driven it home the afternoon before. After asking about the 4 wheeler Kerry turned and walked away pausing momentarily at the end of the house to casually say “well I don’t know where your mother is, and I don’t know what’s going on”. But that was the whole conversation. Kerry never spoke a single word at 4AM about the note, its content or why he was worried about finding mom. Abram went back to bed unaware that there was any crises.
Elizabeth and Abram have reflected their conversation was along the lines of what did he want? He can’t find mom… What? Since mom and dad had been having septic tank problems, they had been using the bathroom over in the apartment across the driveway. She’s probably in the bathroom over at the apartment. Abram reflected, anecdotally commenting to Elizabeth about a time when we where young, how mom had gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and found herself turned around in the dining room, and was lost in the dark walking around in circles around the dining room table… They had no idea dad was worried that mom had disappeared or that she had left a note implying she was going to hurt herself the way dad told me.
Moments before I called Abram, Kerry had called him and told him, “move the cows into the bottom field.” When Abram pressed him trying to find out what was going on, Kerry told him “I don’t need you to do anything. Just move the cows and go back home.” As Abram tried to question him but Kerry again responded by telling him “just move the cows and go back home… don’t come down.” While Elizabeth couldn’t go back to sleep after the whole house of dogs had been awakened at 4AM she sat on their porch. She watched around 6am as Kerry drove the 4 wheeler up and checked on the waterer for the cows. Casually, he drove around examining different cows. He looked over at her from the 4 wheeler and shrugged his shoulders with arms outstretched as if to be like ‘well I don’t know?’
Sitting on the porch Elizabeth never heard him drive all over the farm searching for our mother as he claimed later to have done. Frankly after waking them up and driving off he never expressed concern to them again until he heard that I had called police already. So Abram related how the morning had gone and he asked if I had been able to reach dad on his cell phone? Abram had tried to call him as had I, calling his cell and his house phone multiple times. Since neither of us could reach him and the only thing dad had said to Abram was to move the cows we really began to wonder what was going on.
I drove back to the farm, with the kids. I sent them to play on the rope swing in the backyard and I grabbed their cordless phone. I frantically reviewed the last few numbers dialed on my mom’s cell phone and house phone considering maybe she had, called her sister, or a friend and had gone with them somewhere. I contemplated calling her sister to ask, but was too afraid of upsetting her and causing a panic. The last few numbers showed no unusually calls or conversation with her sister or friends. The phone rang it was a deputy; he asked a few questions and told me he was on his way out.
Thankful I hung up waiting for them to arrive. Within seconds my dad returned to the barnyard with the truck he had left in. He looked at me rather perturbed like why are you still here? I asked him, have you called the police? He said “no”. But before he could talk further I said, “well I have already, they’re on their way.” But before another sound came out of my mouth in an agitated and angry bark my dad said, “I want you to leave.” My dad was so angry, if steam could have been pouring out his ears it would have been. I just turned and walked to the backyard.
My kids had known that grandma was missing they were with me they understood something was seriously wrong. So they were confused as I asked them to come on get in the car we’re going to go. While I herded my kids to the car, Abram pulled up to the house. He was eager to help find mom, knowing now that something was seriously amiss and coming down despite dads admonition to stay home. Kerry met him in the barnyard Abram asked “What’s going on?” Dad was still seething, “your brother’s already called the cops and they’re on their way, you need to just go home”. But Abram was pushing asking more questions trying to figure out what was going on, only to be met with yells of “GO HOME”. Finally since Kerry was getting so hostile, Abram who was at this point extremely shook up began to head back up the driveway.
As Abram drove up the driveway he met the Sheriff’s deputy coming down the driveway. The officer asked what was going on and Abram related as much of what he knew as possible. As I drove out of that barnyard with my kids I had no clue what any note said or where my mother was. But I watched as my dad walked out of the house towards the gate at the end of the yard to meet the deputy who was getting out of his car. I took hope knowing that whatever had happened at least the proper authorities were involved now.
In 2015 when I confronted my dad and as Abram, Kerry and I talked my dad revealed how in those minutes between getting rid of Abram and I he rushed in the house and made copies of this note. He took those copies cutting the note in two and throwing away half the note. So in the video interview earlier this month my dad lied as he claimed that he couldn’t show all the note because a portion was not written to him and was not his to share, the truth is on day one he threw away the portion of the note that was addressed to Abram. The reason he couldn’t share that portion of the note has nothing to do with to whom it was written but that he threw that part of the note away!
Now for the first 11 months the police refused to allow anyone to see the note. I understand investigators need to withhold information but this was not the case. As they had shared with me, they had refused to show us the note because Kerry asked them not too. In fact my dad has continually tried his best to keep Abram not just from knowing about the note but from ever seeing the portion written to him. So publicly dad says oh that part of the note isn’t written to me, privately he would like to pretend that portion of the note doesn’t exist and Abram should never see it even though it was written to him.
Months later investigators would find out from third parties that Kerry had made these copies of the note. That he had been showing people the note but not his kids. So when they found out that he had made these copies and was showing them to people, they were very concerned. On the first day they had asked him several time did you make any copies or taken any pictures of the note and he insisted, “no.” When they came to him and asked about him having the copies well why did lied about making them? So they asked him “why did you make copies?” and he responded by saying “because I knew this was going to be a long drawn out ordeal, and I didn’t know when I was going to get the note back.” So once again investigators scratched their heads wondering, How could he possibly know that this was going to be “a long drawn out ordeal” that’s certainly not what he told the public, or our family.
Over those months Abram and I both experienced incredible feelings of guilt and shame, as a direct result of his decision to hide the note from us. When you are doing everything possible to try and grasp why your mother would disappear, and you know that some devastating note that made your father think she killed herself is hidden from you and you are never allowed to see it, imagine the thoughts your mind goes through thinking why shouldn’t you see this note? Perhaps it says, it’s your fault Aarron, it’s your fault Abram, maybe that note goes on about how disappointed and how ashamed she is of your divorce, or that her grand-kids aren’t perfect enough, maybe we upset her so much with our lives, maybe she was so upset at us that she decided to kill herself and she said that in this note. Why did we have to go through every iteration of guilt and fear over what that note said? Because, Kerry decided we don’t deserve to read the last words our mother wrote.
Consider how our dad put his photocopied piece of the note on video for the public, but never showed his own family that note. Despite being asked and after knowing fully what the note said he would lie. He had copies of the note he was showing others but not us. During 2014 when Abram asked him about the note he responded by saying “the only thing we know from the note is that your mother is either dead, or will spend the rest of her life in a mental institution.” Now parents want to protect their kids, but consider that while Kerry is putting us through a living nightmare of shame and fear, the entire time he is carrying around a copy of a portion of that note, clinging too it in his wallet. So he takes peace and comfort reading it to himself while keeping us from knowing a single word of what it says.
For the entire time he refuses to tell us what the note says, when we repeatedly ask him what did it say. Abram asked him directly “was I mentioned in the note?” Kerry said “No”, over and over again, “it has nothing to do with you”, “it wasn’t written to you”, “it doesn’t have anything to do with you” and “THIS IS MY NOTE… IT BELONGS TO ME!!” All of which are absolute lies. The portion of the note that you have not seen that I have not seen is addressed directly too Abram it speaks directly to him and it has nothing to do with any kind of note finality as Kerry has said. It is a discussion of things that Lynn and Abram had argued over in the weeks prior to her disappearance.
In one of the more bizarre interactions when the investigators were asking Kerry about that portion of the note, he said, “I told her not to write that.” The officer asking him stopped and said “what did you tell her not to write?” And Kerry said, “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to correct myself, I did not just say I told her not to write that- that is not what I said”. Now he has never explained how or what he could have meant by that. Just he accidentally let slip that he watched her write the note, and that he criticized what she had written, and maybe just maybe that explains why he cut out that portion of the note and threw it away. Perhaps he knows that it doesn’t have anything to do with my mother disappearance. I don’t know any other possible way to explain this fact. Either he watched her write the note on the morning of July 8th or had he watched her write the note to Abram on the Thursday before when they had argued? Does that explain the forensic results?
Investigators have been evaluating and examining this note for years now. It has been evaluated by the foremost forensic handwriting specialists with the FBI. Looking for clues as to the mental state of the writer, considering their emotional state, hesitation in their writing, was it written under duress, who wrote it? All these things were examined, and in the end the best information shared has been that investigators cannot definitively say even if my mother wrote the note. I would love to be able to share the note with you but too this day I have never seen the original note or read the entire thing. Even this picture he submitted to the media is not remotely close to the same thing as the original note. What? That’s right look at the way the note looks crisp clean, do you believe it’s the same note he has carried for two and a half years in his wallet? My daughter said again to me what I didn’t want too, that’s not been in his pocket for years. If I carry a note in my pocket for a day it fades, the paper looks blue, that note was just put in his wallet.
Now that may not mean a thing but think about it. My dad orchestrates an interview yes he has shut out the media, NBC has been preparing a documentary on my missing mother for months and he has refused to speak with them. But he calls reporters and invites them over, sits on my bench in front of the apartment I rent from him and pretends to make an impulse decision to open his wallet and share the note my mother wrote him. He says he has been carrying the note… But he shows a fresh copy probably one he made that day it has one set of fold lines, that aren’t crisp or aged, the paper he pulls out and pretends to be emotionally unable to read on camera is clearly a brand new note he just put in his wallet.
My dad told Abram and I the same story in 2015 when we confronted him about his secret girlfriend and he admitted and told us how he had demanded that investigators keep the note from us. He threatened the detectives saying that if they showed us the note he would not cooperate with the investigation. When we confronted him Dad opened his wallet and pulled out a faded old paper that looked completely different than the one he just put on camera. He read it to us, explaining how it was written too him and it belonged to him and he was livid that the police would violate his demand to keep it from us.
So the picture above, the note he prepared ahead of time, which I feel has been enlarged and clearly was freshly folded and placed in his wallet for the purpose of pretending to pull it out and read it. It fails to demonstrate exactly what my mother wrote anyone. What I do know is the note that was given to investigators, is written in two different colors of inks. Investigators believe it was actually written at different times, clearly it was not one thought but two separate thoughts both written on the same page. Why would anyone sit down to write a note with one pen write two lines then switch to a sharpie write something completely different to someone else and then go back to the other ink pen and write another line which also doesn’t fit with anything else you had written?
The first half was written above and the rest was written directly too Abram. It discusses a biology text book from high school and refers to the chapter on human reproduction. Abram had brought several issues to my mom’s attention and had discussed how she had lost her temper with his kids. That she had developed a habit of ambushing his wife with complaints. She would let her concerns build until in an overwhelming moment of frustration she would unload on people. When mom argued that she had never ambushed anyone Abram shared how, in high school, the kitchen full of teenage girls participating in a home economics class mom was teaching that a discussion unfolded where the class of girls laughed at Abram for not knowing what a sanitary pad or tampon was for. Abram embarrassed and being humiliated by mother who stood outside the bathroom door in front of kitchen full of teenage girls, explained in specific detail female menstrual cycles.
Abram hid in the bathroom mortified that his mother would ambush him in such a harsh way. That example was one of the issues that Abram had just discussed with our mother and had been a major discussion regarding why Abram would be upset that mom lost her temper and snapped at his kids while they were working with their 4H steers. She had made repeated outlandish comments to her grand-kids about how if they didn’t work harder with the show steers that there would be no money.
Mom was always devastated and terrified that the family was broke. She was not allowed to know the details of her financial affairs because my dad insisted on keeping that hidden from her. She was not allowed to know what the balance of the checkbook was. She was incredibly upset that if the steers did not show well at the fair that coming weekend that they wouldn’t sell for a good price and they would lose thousands of dollars already spent in feed on the steers. In fact she repeatedly called her sister imploring and begging her to buy one of the steers at the fair almost terrified in her pleas that if they didn’t buy one of the steers maybe there wouldn’t be food to eat. Of course after Kerry calculated the cost of the feed and the final sales price of the steers the kids each sold their steers for more than a $1,000 more than was spent raising them.
So this note Kerry says he found the second portion is written to Abram and it talks about the textbook and the discussion between Abram and Lynn. In fact the note was left on top of that textbook for Abram. But Kerry never allowed Abram to read it or told him anything about how it was written too him. While, Kerry had not been present for the argument between Lynn and Abram he was fully aware of the context that the note was written in. In fact he said so during the confrontation between my dad, Abram and I during the spring of 2015. Kerry lied to the investigators saying that he had no idea what the note meant and he hid the details of the argument with Abram and its relevance to the content of the note.
In interviews Kerry has claimed that he had no idea about the argument and that he never understood the second portion of the note until discussing the details with us in the spring of 2015. This is a lie. In fact he discussed and brought up the argument with Abram numerous times with investigators. During my confrontation with Kerry, he also acknowledged that he knew that Abram and my mom had made amends. He knew that as soon as Abram realized that he had lost his temper with mom he immediately apologized and made a commitment to her that he would make sure that he took proactive steps to make sure they would not let stress build up between them.
The day after their argument Abram and his family had gone to a get together with my mom and dad at a friend’s house for the 4th of July. Clearly things had been settled between Abram and mom since they had a great time together eating, talking and laughing late into the evening together. It has become clear that Kerry has viewed and used the note as a means to indict Abram claiming that he had driven Lynn off the mental edge. There is no doubt from the numerous times Kerry has said exactly that too me, that my dad has convinced himself that my mother is dead today because of Abram. Or at least that is the story that he is telling behind closed doors. If this were in fact true, do you really think my mom would have spent hour after hour with Abram and his family the very next day laughing and talking over dinner, fireworks and a bonfire?
Kerry’s relationship with Abram has deteriorated not simply because of Abram’s questioning of dad, but because Kerry has tried to blamed Abram from day one. He knew that the note the second portion was not written too him, it was too Abram and he has expressed that he would like to pretend that that portion of the note doesn’t exist. While Kerry has privately excused his lies too Abram, investigators, and I about the note as some type of attempt to protect Abram from feeling guilty, he has in fact blamed Abram and actively shifted guilt and blame too Abram. What has really happened is Kerry has blamed Abram completely and to hide his own feelings and or actions he has lied over and over again.
In April of 2015 the detectives sat down with Abram. They explained to him how that Kerry had told them that if they showed anyone the note, or talked about it that he would no longer cooperate with the investigation. They continued to outline the problems they were experiencing in the investigation. That Kerry was no longer cooperating with the investigation. In an effort to have some questions answered they showed Abram the note. It is also important to know that on the morning of July 8th 2014 Abram had told the investigators in specific detail all about the argument that he had with mom. The investigators knew from the beginning the context which that portion of the note was written in… in spite of Kerry’s lies about not having any idea what it meant. It was in fact the nature of conversations between Mom and Elizabeth, and Mom and I about Abram that investigators first focused on.
It is important to know that mom would often leave notes for us. Many times she would leave notes for Abram and Elizabeth sometimes at their house and sometimes at her house. The fact that a note exists would not be unusual by any means if anything it would be ordinary. So when you read the note understand that its content is not atypical but is more passive aggressive than typical. As I mentioned previously the note is written with two different types of ink most likely at two different times. The top lines are written with a fine blue pen the middle section written to Abram is written with a green Sharpie marker and the closing line is written with the same blue pen as the top two lines.
The text of the note as best as Abram could relate are as follows.

“I am sorry pa to put

you through this

I love you with all my heart.

Abram on the table you will find the biology book. the last chapter has the stuff that you were told to read but we never discussed. there is also the bible study book with the information that I “never taught” you. I am sorry I made you hate me.

Sorry everyone”

The wording may not be exact because Abram is recalling it from memory only seeing the note once, but this is the most accurate reproduction we can make. As you can see the note is certainly not cohesive and seems to be completely separate thoughts collected on the same page. If you look at the actual note that was written to Abram it would make total sense if she wrote the note to Abram on Thursday the 3rd of July given Kerry’s admission saying “I told her not to write that.”
So to conclude, my mom wrote a note. A note to her family, to everyone…maybe. A note was written either way. Mom, wrote a note to Abram and dad hid it from him, from me, from everyone and lied and lied and lied about it. Dad manipulated the investigation, has misrepresented what he knows about the note to the public, to his family, to investigators. He has used the note to control us, the investigation, to try and get pity from you. We don’t even know if mom wrote the note, or maybe he did? At least the portion written to Abram looks like mom’s hand writing. So the note doesn’t answer many questions but it certainly doesn’t indict Abram for having driven mother over the edge. Speaking of which, we need to talk about my mom, she was upset. She was depressed, she was overwhelmed and she didn’t get help. My dad knows that, he denies it but he knows it. My mother’s mental health is the subject of our next discussion.

 

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Gallery

Narcissistic Slanderer

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Paul wrote the following New Testament verses to Timothy; concerning the character and behavior of leaders within the church, not in the world. He warned Timothy to beware that some will act out of a self-love attitude.  Paul says, “You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good.  They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!” 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NLT)

In 2 Timothy 3 Paul named many attributes associated with today’s modern psychology term; narcissistic personality disorder. Our world is quickly becoming familiar with this disorder in record numbers.

 

Today we will take a look at why a narcissist uses slander.

(We are not talking about a narcissist in general, but specifically someone with narcissistic personality disorder.)

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Narcissists tend to worship the fantasy of who they are in their mind. Larger than life is a good description of how to view the narcissist. They have built themself up to be greater than reality. They believe their own hype and therefore feel intrinsically superior to everyone around them. Their inflated false view of themselves (huge ego) is the foundation of their misinterpretations of reality; I refer to this as the, “I am and there is none besides me” mentality.

They feel superior in every way to everyone. This is a source of pain and envy for them whenever they feel out talked, out worked, out smarted or out done…by anyone.

Envy and jealousy are integral parts of narcissism (envy is a desire for what another person has, while jealousy is the fear that something can be taken away).  Narcissists are envious of anything in others that they themselves lack (i.e. beauty, possessions, knowledge, personal qualities, power, skills, achievements, qualifications, relationships, money etc). Envy can consume them, and the list of what they covet can be endless. Envy is a feeling which can range from mild to severe, from healthy to unhealthy, from positive to negative.  For example, healthy envy has positive qualities.  Healthy envy acts as a valuable guide. You may see something you admire in another person and decide you will grow in wisdom or character to achieve that quality—you use it for personal growth. Healthy envy is empowering because it brings you nearer to your life’s goal, or closer to the likeness of Christ.  Unhealthy envy is disempowering because it keeps you bound to a fantasy, making you blind to your own true nature.  Because the narcissist is a grand actor who acts out of a false self, they suffer from a twisted heart, leaving them at the mercy of their unhealthy envy—envy that can trigger their feelings of vulnerability, shame and self-loathing.  Any of these feelings can result in narcissistic injury, to which the narcissist almost always reacts with rage.  In order to free themselves of such emotional turmoil and recover their equilibrium, the narcissist mirrors those intolerable feelings onto the person of their envy.   npd-000Once you become the object of the narcissists envy you are in serious trouble.  In order to improve their own self-image they are likely to make false allegations about your integrity, lie about your motives, or paint you as a fool.  This is not innocent gossip, rather it is an intentional and premeditated character assassination that is aimed at defaming you in order to destroy your reputation and make them feel better about themselves.  Be warned, they are cold, ruthless, malicious, aggressive, self-serving, uncompromising in the pursuit of their objective, and do not care about your feelings. This can be dirty politics at its best.

If your narcissist is a family member you may wonder how they can love you and destroy you at the same time. Remember: They are and there is none besides them! Although narcissists are grand actors they have a difficult time sincerely bonding and loving unconditionally; even with their own family members. Their grand acting keeps people on the outside from seeing the inside truth.

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No amount of love, logic, accountability, discipline, or reasoning will get through to the narcissist. Trying to gain their understanding, attempting to bring them to repentance, or hoping for an apology is not an outcome based scenario in the life of someone with this personality disorder. In the end you will be increasingly frustrated over the time, energy, emotion, and/or finances you spent in vain. And here’s the real kicker…all your efforts simply reinforce to the narcissist that you are the irrational one.

Let me leave you with this: You are not crazy. What you’re experiencing is real. It’s wrong, it’s harmful, and it messes with our mind. Don’t allow the narcissist to place blame on you.

Learn 4 simple phrases for setting boundaries with a narcissist, or a difficult person…here.

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Aarron Messer: Who’s accusing who?

In the below article, Aarron Messer, writes out the foundation of why is is choosing to write about the ongoing investigation around his mom’s mysterious death and his father’s deceptive behavior. 

 

Aarron Joseph Messer, Wednesday, November 23, 2016 (Reprinted with permission)
As many of you are about to enjoy Thanksgiving and celebrate the many amazing things that God has wrought in your life I am hesitant to interrupt the joys of celebrating God’s blessings, but I am reminded that we are to be thankful in the storms that even the pains and punishment of God are to be celebrated for in His refining fire we are purified. As the title no doubt informs you this post will not be gentle. If you are fascinated by the story of my mother, her life, disappearance and death, you will no doubt have already weighed and wondered many possible albeit ugly hypothesis of her demise. I will not feed your suspicions I will not make accusations or stoop to lay blame where blame is undue here today.
However there is a great deal of misinformation in the public arena. This is only complicated by the ongoing tales woven by those eliciting your sympathy. I do not seek your sympathy and while I covet your prayers I would ask that above and beyond your prayers for comfort and restoration, which we do need, that the truth will be made clear and that where misrepresentation and falsehoods are being spread that truth will take its place. As believers our family has sought to hold each other accountable through the body of Christ and our churches. Repentance while sought from those who have wronged us remains out of reach. In fact rather than acknowledge the wrongs committed the offender has attempted to blacken the reputation and tarnish the credibility of those of us who have suffered the offences.
While we all await the actual adjudication of evidence to acquit or condemn my father of any wrong doing in my mother’s death, real harms have been committed. It is with great hesitancy that I make this plea public and that I ask you our supporters, challengers, friends, family and strangers to judge for yourself which accusations are just and which are not. Be it as it may, my brother Abram carefully weighed the consequences of confronting my father over these matters and found himself seeking shelter for his family cast out from his home. It is only knowing that a similar fate may fall myself and my children and not without concern that I make these posts, but rather in spite of and only through overcoming my fears that I am compelled to do so. The truth is far more important than a roof over my head.
There are three areas of deception and deceit that my father has blatantly perpetrated upon the public and my family. These areas have caused immeasurable harm to my mother’s reputation and memory, the wholeness of her family, the body of Christ, and the ministry of Missouri Family Network. These three areas of deception are a deliberate attempt to hide and cover up my mother’s struggle with depression from detectives, the public and her family. Inexcusable lies about the note that my father reports to have found; its content, to whom it was addressed, and to police about it and his forthrightness regarding the chain of evidence. And finally the devastating revelation of how my father has concealed his relationship with Spring Thomas. All three of these key matters have been and continue to fuel suspicions and accusations of wrong doing and possible complicity in the disappearance and death of my mother towards my dad.
All three of these issues center on one idea, honesty. Our father Kerry has lied and deceived every member of my mother’s family explicitly in regards to these three areas. These lies are not simple misunderstandings; Kerry has crafted a narrative for what purpose I do not know. But the truth is not what he has said. I am going to speak the truth, the plain truth and boldly call as my brother has for my dad to come clean. My request for transparency, and honesty, is both a plea for a public apology and repentance on his part, and a request that he admit to himself that no one has perpetrated, attacked, besmirched or tainted our opinions of him or his actions but that his actions alone have indicted and isolated him.
My father posts often and frequently speak of accusations and rails against us as processing grief unhealthily when we challenge him to be honest instead of deceptive. His reaction to dozens of private requests for honesty and moral challenges presented from deacons, pastors, and advisers to the corruption of his own moral values through his actions has and continues to remain unrepentant. My dad will not confess in private or in public his wrongs albeit in private conversation with his sons he has attempted to justify his lies as being well intention-ed. He wields scripture as a bludgeon to condemn his accusers while never calculating his own sin. If there has ever been a greater example of having a log in one’s own eye than my father at this moment I know not of it.
We have confronted him privately, we have taken witnesses with us and challenged him and asked for his repentance, wise men have expressed their reservations, frustrations and admonitions with him privately. We have attempted to bring him before his church for public discipline as scripture admonishes and have been unsuccessful in having him held accountable by his church as his pastor has refused to do so. Now you have heard accusations, you know the grumblings. How can anyone not grasp that the spouse of a missing person may be a suspect in their disappearance? When her body has been found of course the public and skeptics wonder aloud mightn’t he have played some role?
We are not talking about what happened to my mother. That’s right we are talking not about what did or didn’t my dad do too my mom, but rather what has he done to his family since she disappeared. This call for repentance this challenge to come clean has nothing to do with what happened to my mother directly but how Kerry has purported himself for the 2 years, 3 months and 3 weeks she was missing.
Dad, as I know you are reading this you need to know not one of us has ever been persuaded or confused by police into believing that you have killed mom. You’re continuing to label us as mudslingers, false accusers, of abandoning you, criticizing you, ridiculing you, betraying you, living in the mire of misery, when we only speak the plain and simple truth of what you have done to us, and how you have lied about our mother, of us, how you have lied to us is unacceptable. We will seek the truth we will speak it openly and displayed for all the world to see.
If you would choose to seek restoration with and in your family repentance must start with you. You must confess your public lies with public repentance, you must admit that no matter your excuse, no justification can be had for hiding this relationship with Spring, for refusing to seek true council about that relationship, for ignoring our advice, for hiding important evidence about our mothers disappearance, for lying to detectives, for having driven your entire family away. You have offended and hurt the family of the woman, your bride whom you claim to love more deeply than anyone else. It is not the words of detectives working diligently to find the truth that have torn your family apart but rather it is your lies that have done that.
You have isolated yourself from us with those lies. You have driven us out of your life by choosing to hide the truth. Truth is what matters and not your excuses. Come clean dad, come clean and we can walk the path to healing. But you are the only one who can start this process you are the one who must repent not only for the lies you have told but the ones you continue to tell about us.
For you the public I will be supplying you with three detailed articles this week. They will cover who my father’s girlfriend Spring Thomas is and exactly how my father has developed and executed his relationship in secret that is truly offensive to his own family. Next we will speak frankly about the note my father found and how his lies about that note have driven a wedge in our family. Finally I will address for you my mother’s mental health the fact that Kerry has known and has privately acknowledged her struggle with depression through the years and how he has sought to silence anyone who has speaks regarding that depression and how he had ignored her worsening depression and suicidal thoughts, words and actions in the years, months, and days before her disappearance.
I repeat again I do not say any of these things to darken Kerry’s name or cast dispersion upon my father but rather because each of his actions in doing these ills has wronged our family and driven us apart. He has chosen to live and speak falsehood when the truth was uncomfortable. Each of us has asked for reconciliation with the other but so long as the truth remains in the dark and Kerry having harmed us refuses to come clean no reconciliation will happen. Just this week after long consideration I spoke bluntly with our family and it was clear, no matter the outcome of the investigation into my mother’s death, healing in our family will only begin once my father is willing to come clean about each of these deceptions that he has perpetrated upon the public and my mother’s family.

 

Who is Spring Thomas: By Aarron Messer

aarron-and-abram-messer

Photo Credit: J.B. Forbes, jforbes@post-dispatch.com

This article is from Aarron Messer’s Facebook page. He has given me permission to print it in its entirety.

Our frustrations can be overwhelming. There are so many questions we do not have answers too that at times you wonder if there is anything you can do? One of those questions is what role if any has my father’s relationship with his girlfriend Spring Thomas played in the disappearance of my mother? I can’t answer that question. I can’t because I don’t know. However I can answer several other questions that can help you understand why our family is so pulled apart. I will not be proposing theories. I will not be speculating.
What you are reading are only facts that I know too be true from personal observation and direct statements from eye witnesses, detectives, Abram, Kerry and myself. Some facts may be denied by others or glossed over. This does not invalidate them as facts.
Dr. Thomas, Spring’s father was a dentist for 62 years he owned and operated a small dental clinic on Manchester Rd in St. Louis and besides his very public faithful Christian service to his church, organizing Easter Sunrise services in Babler State Park for half a century and beyond, a founding board member of Westminster Christian Academy he was an extremely sacrificial supporter of my father’s ministry for as long as I can remember. He not only was our families dentist a role in which he offered his services for free to support the ministry, but he personally paid for an orthodontist to extract all four of my impacted wisdom teeth 20+ years ago. He financially was a faithful donor to the ministry throughout his life until he passed in 2012.
Prior to my mother’s disappearance I personally had only met Spring a few times in passing. However Spring lives on a substantial piece of real estate in Wildwood a farm which she inherited from her parents. Spring was an only child, and both her parents have passed away. Spring was a caregiver for her parents caring for both of them as they aged until they died. The only family experience Spring has known has been caring for her parents. In fact being a caregiver is a common thread Spring and Lynn shared. My mother having cared for both her in-laws until they passed.
Spring has never been married and has no children. She loves her cats and serving her church and has a reputation for going out of her way to quietly care for people going through difficult circumstances much as my mother did. As her father was aging and after he retired from his practice, Missouri was experiencing a severe drought. The price of hay was off the charts and many Missouri farmers were selling off their cattle at rock bottom prices. Despite our family farms location in Ste Genevieve county being so far from Wildwood an arrangement was made in which Messer Farms the farm business entity belonging to Kerry, Spring agreed to house cattle in Wildwood to graze fields that were not being used and Kerry would help with the upkeep on Spring’s farm. This relationship continues today.
I cannot speculate on the relationship between Kerry and Spring at that time. However Abram has never been comfortable with the behavior between Kerry and Spring when working on her farm. The level of interaction communication and the nature of this business relationship which was much less about business as friendship was quite different than with any of you. You may know Kerry and Lynn from church, his ministry, homeschooling, even have known him since high school but I assure you that unless you worked on the farm with my father as Abram, Robert Fina, and myself have you do not know the particularly oddity of the non-public persona of Kerry Messer. In public my father has had to maintain an absolute veil of perfection. His suave charm and perfectly articulated speech is carefully crafted to maintain his image. Step into a field and let a calf run past you when we’re trying to get them through the head gate and you will see an entirely different Kerry.
Lynn thought very highly of Spring having shared a kindred spirit, in watching your parents age and pass. When a wife at church was dying of cancer and she called in her husband and told him who she wanted him to marry once she was gone sort of a loving match maker caring for the spouse she left behind my mother was enamored. She idealized and romanticized this notion of picking your spouse’s new partner. My mother picked Spring to be her replacement for Kerry. She not only went out of her way to tell Elizabeth “if anything happens to me, I think pop should marry Spring Thomas” on Monday the day before she disappeared but she made the same comment to several ladies from her church.
Of the many unanswered questions we wonder, what conversations did Lynn have with Spring? See Lynn personally asked a close friend in the weeks prior to her disappearance for prayer because she said, “I am going to have to have a confrontation with someone and it’s not going to be pleasant.” Was that person Spring? Lynn went to meet with Spring the week before she disappeared, it was just the two of them. What was that meeting about? I don’t know and while it may be easy to conjecture at we just don’t know, the same as investigators don’t know. Because, Spring has refused to answer further questions or submit to a lie detector test, on the advice of her attorneys. This is not speculation it is exactly what my dad told me when I asked why isn’t Spring willing to take a lie detector test? Regardless of the content of their conversation this was a critical point in my mother’s life, and the questions need to be answered.
In the weeks after mother disappeared many people volunteered to help search and support the search efforts. Spring was among those volunteers. In the first week of searching my dad established a rule that no one come in the house. This rule was strictly enforced. He asked women family friends not to hug him, because he was, “uncomfortable feeling their breasts” against himself. He especially did not want any women coming to see him in private or entering his house while he sat alone inside. This was and is bizarre for us but it’s actually normal for my dad.
See Kerry has always insisted that his behavior be above reproach that no one may be able to accuse him of inappropriate behavior around women. I was always taught that my dad would run up and down the stairs in Jefferson City at the capital not simply because it’s quicker but because he wouldn’t want to be in an elevator alone with a woman besides my mother. He refused rides back and forth to Jefferson City from women. Mind you the older ladies who drove out every week to feed representatives and host a Bible study had no intention of harming his reputation but dad had to be above reproach. When my dad drove the church bus, he refused to drive by himself if there was a possibility that a single woman would ride the bus.
There has been a suggestion that my dad has had affairs in Jefferson City, and my father has issued a challenge asking that anyone who knows of any affair come forward to the media. I would caution anyone who feels that this establishes some kind of alibi to know that it is not fair to do so. Detectives have assured me personally that multiple sources from Jefferson City have already stepped forward with allegations in private. Making his public challenge does not clear your name, it might sound good in a news story but… But the work of Missouri Family Network is renowned in conservative republican circles and anyone who would speak negatively of Kerry or make such an accusation publicly may soon find themselves unemployable. His challenges are not a defense but are intimidating for a victim and in a sense one day could be considered a criminal offence like witness intimidation.
I can personally speak of a particular relationship with a volunteer in Jefferson City who was very close to my father who poured hours into helping the work grow who suddenly overnight was a pariah too our family and the ministry. This young lady was a married volunteer and remains an active participant in Missouri politics. I couldn’t have been but a young teenager when this happened. But in years later when my mother was asked what happened why did we stop working with this family? My mother said that the young woman had made allegations that my father had made sexual advances on her.
Again legislative aids in the state capital building working in offices that my father worked through complained that they were uncomfortable that my father made physical advances on them. The first to complain was fired because my father’s reputation was so strong the only conclusion this senator could make was that she was lying. But after the replacement LA brought the same complaints about Kerry the working relationship between the MFN and the senator’s office completely disintegrated. While these incidents are not proof of any affair they reflect a clear inconsistency in the outward character of my father. Publicly upright and moral privately who knows? Well investigators know because they have been and continue to field calls from accusers and his children have known of these grumblings and rumors for years although we do not want to believe them.
The facts are that Spring Thomas was intimately involved in the search efforts for my mother from the beginning. As the investigation unfolded and detectives followed up on leads they heard how my mother has suggested that Kerry marry Spring if “anything” was to happen to her. They attempted to contact Spring to discuss her relationship with my dad and my mom. At the six week point of the investigation into moms disappearance Spring confirmed in a written statement that she was in fact in a relationship with my dad. After she made her statement to police she messaged Abram and in an odd conversation asked Abram if it was appropriate for her to continue to participate in searches? Abram was flabbergasted he had no idea why she would ask that? See the only people aware of Kerry and Spring’s relationship at that time was Spring, Kerry and investigators. Abram has since reflected that the purpose of that discussion was to identify if police had told him about the relationship.
Even before rumors of Kerry’s having a girlfriend surfaced numerous search participants came forward singling Spring out as having a special connection to Kerry reflecting on the close nature of Kerry’s attention bestowed on her when she was on the farm. Without prompting numerous people have identified and reflected that they knew something was up in the manner in which they interacted in those early days of searching. Spring herself had seemed glowing as she spoke with other searchers about her feet getting wet, and how Kerry had taken her inside the off limits house in private had dried her feet off and provided her with dry socks and shoes to wear.
No one in our family besides Kerry was aware of his relationship with Spring until May of 2015. When I describe too you the facts of my father’s relationship I am relaying to you not a theory or idea but his own words that he shared with me as I confronted him. The how and why of this confrontation begins with a follow up meeting with detectives that I had. At this point there had been zero real progress in the physical search for Lynn. Detectives explained how my dad had asked them permission to satisfy his urges for female companionship. That he had complained that he was accustomed to an active sex life and that the absence of Lynn was not simply emotionally draining but physically unbearable. They told him that they didn’t care what he did but they felt that was a conversation that he should be having with a pastor.
They told me that my dad was seeing Spring on a regular basis having dinner in private, dating, talking on the phone every day spending the majority of his time with her. They speculated that they did not know if there was an affair that had begun prior to July of 2014 but they explained numerous other things that my dad had orchestrated and had asked the police not to tell me or Abram. They did not fill my head with ideas that my dad was having an affair or had killed my mother, or try and turn me against my dad. They only shared the truth of how my dad had intentionally misled me and Abram and was hiding his new relationship.
I went home and I carefully weighed what they shared. I waited 24 hrs praying and considering how to respond to this information. I then went directly too my father and confronted him. Over the course of the next 9 hours of conversation he confessed to hiding the relationship, and explained that he really wasn’t sure when it had started but that he had feelings for Spring and hadn’t stopped thinking about her basically since mom disappeared. I demanded that he come clean to Abram and we spent all evening discussing the relationship and its consequences along with other elements of deception that he had pulled over on us including the content of the note.
While there is so much to say I will simply say that when I asked my dad if he had a girlfriend? He said “NO, but Aarron when did you start talking too Penny?” Now Penny is my girlfriend and has been my friend for ten years. She was my coworker with whom I carpooled with whom I had worked for 7 years prior to my wife leaving me. Despite allegations otherwise which incidentally I am very much accustomed too she and I had remained friends and nothing more until well after both our past relationships had ended. Now the only reason to try and morally equivocate on my relationship with my girlfriend as a divorced man was to defend his relationship as being comparable. I redirected his clever attempt to disarm my question and asked him if Spring Thomas was or was not his girlfriend and if he was or wasn’t dating her? At which point he argued that he wouldn’t call it dating or her his girlfriend.
What he did admit was that he was attracted to Spring and he was deeply in need of sexual satisfaction that he couldn’t take not having sex 4-5 times a week. He said this was why he needed the relationship with Spring but then he said he only ever holds hands with her. So his reasoning for needing the relationship was for sex but he isn’t having sex. Whatever that means. He then used all kinds of excuses to explain that if God didn’t mean for him to be with Spring that God wouldn’t let him be with Spring. He argued that he wanted to be accountable to Abram and I and wanted to ask our permission to see Spring but that they (Spring and Him) had talked and felt that it was best to keep their relationship a secret until after the one year anniversary because it wouldn’t look good otherwise.
So he intended to ask our permission but only after he had a secret relationship for ten and half months first. He explained that he couldn’t go on living without her. That in the first few weeks after mother disappeared that he was drawn to Spring that he was having feelings for her, but he wanted to distract himself from her so he had tried to pursue a relationship with another woman from his church instead. Kim had survived cancer and also been a good friend of my mother, and she worked for a counselor that he had begun to see. He asked the counselor if it was appropriate to talk to her about his desire to pursue a relationship with her and the counselor said lets pray about it after the young woman heard about Kerry’s interest in her she was deeply offended she felt it was completely inappropriate and spoke in confidence about it with investigators. So Kerry related that he had been drawn back to Spring since Kim had turned him down.
Kerry was having long telephone conversations with Spring and she invited him to come to Christmas at her house. Kerry related that on the first Christmas after my mother’s disappearance he spent all day with Spring. While that may not have particular significance too you my parents were married just before Christmas and it was an anniversary they always celebrated together. My mother had a carefully built a Christmas Eve tradition. Our family has dinner together steak, twice baked potatoes, salad, and dirt cake after which we attend Candlelight service together. On the first major holiday without mom Kerry insisted that we not have our traditional dinner, but we wanted too so to satisfy him we changed what we would eat.
He told us, “I don’t even want to see you or your kids, or have any of you down here for Christmas” but then that Christmas Eve the day before he spent all day with Spring, he showed up for our mothers traditional dinner late and while we were eating said, “I don’t want anybody to make a big deal out of it but I got a special gift for a special lady” and he explained how he had carefully purchased a gift for Spring. Later that evening he handed out gift cards to his grand kids, who later reflected about his comments about Spring and how he bought her something special asking why did he buy her something special and not us.
While he told us during that discussion that he was so lonely that without Spring he would have committed suicide, we tried to grasp why had he refused to come to our family gatherings or participate in our mothers traditions and when he did come was he completely focused on Spring. He told us that on Christmas Day while all of us are mourning and trying to hold together our mothers memory and celebrate Christmas with our family that he chose to spend his holiday cementing his relationship with his new girlfriend. After that Christmas he spent almost every day with Spring, until the legislative session began at least that’s what he told us.
Now for the dozen years that Abram has worked with dad in the ministry the majority of the time they have carpooled riding together to Jefferson City and back. But dad admitted to us that he lied specifically about needing to drive separately back and forth just so he could stop every time on his way up and back to spend time with Spring. As Abram has said he barely saw dad in Jefferson City that entire session, he would come and go, disappearing as he confessed to spend most his time on the phone or with Spring in secret.
Throughout the 2015 Legislative Session dad lied over and over again making excuses to hide his relationship with Spring from Abram. Throughout the evening my dad confessed to going out of his way to hide the relationship. He admitted to telling and asking the police to keep his confidence and keep their relationship a secret. He expressed a livid anger and hostility on how investigators had betrayed him by telling his children his secrets. There are several other acknowledgments that my father made that night to us, including how depressed my mother was and the fact that she had been receiving treatment for her depression for years but I will speak to those issues in another post.
The single most difficult element of this knowledge regarding his relationship with Spring has been to gauge in my heart my father’s posts on the FindLynnMesser page about how deeply and dearly he misses and loves my mother while knowing that the entire time his heart belongs to someone else and that he is deeply in love with Spring Thomas and not my Mother. If you understand that my dad told us that he spoke with detectives in September of 2014 about pursuing a relationship with Spring, but Spring had confirmed that she was in a relationship with my dad, and the only upfront and honest thing my dad has done was that the same day six weeks after mom disappeared he called detectives, “to be up front with them” and told them that he was in a relationship with Spring.
So every drawn out laborious woe is me I am miserable and alone post that my dad has made on the FindLynnMesser page is a lie. He has been happily pursuing his new girlfriend the entire time I don’t know how you could ever look at my dad’s post the same. I certainly can’t! For the past year and a half I haven’t been able to read a single word my dad writes about his broken heart and lonely estate so hurting and so lost when I know for a fact that he is completely absorbed in his new romance.
So you might ask how did you respond to your dad’s albeit hesitant and forced confession? Abram and I talked for hours with Kerry. We presented to him multi-tiered objections. To begin with it is important that you understand that we expressed every single one of our concerns to dad that day. We addressed anyone’s emotional knee jerk responses too our objections and I will outline them. We are not jealous. We do not see his new relationship as a replacement for our mother. We have absolutely no objection too our father remarrying in due time. We have no judgment on Spring’s moral character and our opposition has never been based on her being a bad match for our father.
Consider if you will the pain when you now know of the relationship and how it had existed months prior, reflect with us how in the late summer of 2014, Abram at Spring’s farm overheard Kerry “joking” with Spring say “I just got rid of one woman, I’m not in a hurry to get another one”. Consider with us how those comments hurt when you now know our father was privately doing exactly that. Remember we were having this conversation with him in the Spring of 2015, our mother has been a missing person for 10 – 11 months. Our father has just admitted to pursuing a new relationship after less than 2 months of our mother being missing. Our concerns is not that it would be awkward to be dating after your spouse dies in two months but that when you do not know if your wife is alive or not, you do not know anything about where she is you aren’t immediately at ease to pursue another woman.
Our objection though isn’t that he shouldn’t or we don’t think you should our objection is this if you do you are tarnishing your personal reputation, you will damage your own reputation and by extension the ministry you built in Missouri Family Network, a corollary is not only that MFN will lose its reputation but that MFN not only provides his salary but provides all of Abram and his family’s income. Abram’s home which Daryl our grandfather had given too Abram was still in Kerry’s name. Not only could this damage Abram’s family’s income but if it focuses suspicions on Kerry and prevents investigators from pursuing legitimate leads or if he is prosecuted and they somehow prove he is complicit in mothers disappearance Abram might not just lose his income, his ministry, but his home and the result of this relationship could be putting Abram destitute and leaving his family on the street.
Our concern was that this would distract from the actual investigation, harm the ministry and possibly the entire family. We also brought to him that this action would alienate him from all my mother’s family and relatives. We expressed our concerns that he might not be prepared for the consequence of choosing Spring over his entire family. We asked him what this relationship would mean if Mom shows up? What would he do how would his heart handle the conflict? I asked him if it was wise to be in any relationship at all considering that a missing person cannot be declared dead until after they have been missing for 5 years? Was his intention to date Spring desperate for sex but holding out because they couldn’t get married till mother was declared dead in another 4 years? And he replied well we might find her any moment.
For hours we were baffled as he confessed to pursuing this relationship in secret, lying over and over again about it telling us he intended to continue lying about it for months more. He expressed how angry he was that police had betrayed his confidence and told me. This was compounded as we discussed how he had hidden and lied about the note as well. On the practical side I expressed concerns that Spring was an only child, who had never experienced raising children, having a marriage before, or siblings was she going to be the best choice as a future mate for him considering the need to be a surrogate grandmother, mother etc… was she fully prepared was it fair to her for him to pursue this relationship to gratify his own desires without considering how much pain the suspicion and the calling to be a replacement for my mother might be? To be blunt Spring appeared to me to be so very much like him alone losing all her family mightn’t they simply be sharing in their aloneness instead of grieving the loss of his wife?
How could he have mourned his wife and moved on to a new relationship in 6 weeks when we didn’t even know if she was dead? I was terrified that he had not sought counsel or processed any of his grief and pain appropriately and that this relationship may just be an escape from facing the reality of his pain. After hours upon hours of expressing and discussing our objections, and concerns Abram and I explicitly presented a path forward.
We urged him to step down immediately from MFN to allow someone else to run the organization until all the questions surrounding the investigation could be settled and to let Abram step forward, and function as the face of MFN in Jefferson City. We outlined that an agreement needed to be reached to transfer title of Abram’s house into his own name and I suggested that a family trust be created to protect the rest of the farm from any possible legal attacks resulting from the possible prosecution in mothers disappearance knowing that keeping the farm in the hands of her grandchildren was my mother’s desire. Kerry agreed with all those proposals.
Kerry suggested that he wanted to have Abram and I as his accountability partners for his relationship with Spring he promised to be completely honest and forthright to tell us when he is going to see her every time he sees her. We both couldn’t imagine that responsibility and the very last conversation of the evening after our objections after our exhaustion of trying to reason with him against his relationship over and over again, Kerry commented, “well I was going to go see Spring tomorrow, we should talk about this if that’s ok with you?” Abram couldn’t respond, how dare he really after all our objections he just asks us permission after we just said no, no, no we do not want you to pursue this relationship he says is it ok? I gave him the only response I could muster. I am not the one you answer too, you do what you want but don’t ask me for permission, don’t ask me if it’s ok. I mean come on really if you can’t listen to me saying this is wrong for 9 hours what good would me saying no don’t go see her tomorrow do?
Well that weekend dad brought a group of people together after church and started talking about how he has developed feelings for Spring and told people that I am ok with him dating her. So apparently he couldn’t listen to my 9 hours of objections but he heard the 10 seconds of it’s not my place to give you permission. So of course Abram and I started receiving endless phone calls and messages as word spread from people very, very upset about Kerry’s behavior and his girlfriend. And those calls have never ended. So what does Spring Thomas have to do with my mother’s disappearance and death? I don’t know. But my dad’s behavior is disgusting and if you want to know why no one and I mean no one in his family respects him. It has to do with his lies, his deceptions his betrayal of us as he has gone out of his way to blame police for trying to frame him. He has accused us of trying to take the farm, of trying to ruin the ministry.
When your dad says I lied to you for the past year because I wanted to protect you from the truth so it’s ok that I lied and refuses to ever admit that he did wrong it’s hard to be on his side. Like I said Spring Thomas might have nothing to do with what happened to my mom, but her relationship with my dad and his lies about it have everything to do with why Lynn’s family wants nothing to do with him, including her sons. Remember our objections focused on how keeping this relationship a secret lying for months and planning to continue to lie makes you look guilty. Our overarching concerns all stem from the fact that my dad’s behavior if continued makes him look bad, it makes it seem like he must be hiding other things. The discussions about how his behavior implies guilt and taints his reputation really compound when you consider the things he has hidden about the note and mother’s depression which I will expound on later.
There is so much more that Kerry has done to make up stories about Abram and to try and discredit him and his bold opposition to my dad. Let me give you a list. Kerry has lied about, Lynn’s history of depression, suicidal thoughts, and treatment. He has lied about the cats that she killed when she wanted to hurt herself. He has lied about the note that was written to Abram, he has lied to Abram about the note over and over and over again, he lied to investigators about the note. He has lied to Aarron about Spring even when being confronted he lied too my face, he has lied to the media about the police, he has lied to everyone about Spring, he has lied about Aarron being ok with him dating.
He has lied about Abram’s character, he has made promises to resign from MFN and refused, he told Abram that he was going to turn MFN over to a third party and then refused instead claiming that Abram was trying to convince him to commit suicide. He fired Abram and told him he had to pay rent on the very house he promised to relinquish title too that belongs to Abram, forcing Abram and his family out of that home. Incidentally he only did so after Abram voiced his objections to dad’s behavior publicly.
He has lied about Spring cooperating with police, he failed his lie detector tests, he lied when he said he is cooperating with investigators, he has refused to speak to detectives. He has lied about Abram’s child hood, he has made wild accusations about Abram, he has lied about the argument between Abram and Lynn.
He accuses everyone else of mud-slinging simply for calling him on his lies, his own church asked him to step down as a Sunday school teacher and deacon because of his secret relationship, we have been told that the ministry no longer represents the Missouri Baptists Convention, or the Christian Life Commission but why should that matter he has said that his fundraising since mother disappeared has been better than ever. He lies to each and every one of you every time he posts on Facebook about how much he misses his bride because he is with his new one every day.
My father lied in his last media interview when he says his relationship is on hold because I watched them cooking dinner and kissing each other in his kitchen two weeks before I found mom. Then yesterday the two of them spent all day working cattle together. He lies about how hard it is to do work on the farm without any help because he has had his girlfriend helping him to bale hay and she has been working on the farm this whole summer.
He lies when she’s with him when he has her park her car in secret and drives her around scurrying her in and out of the house from his car. I watched her drive past the farm turn around in a driveway and drive back the other way like she didn’t want me to see her coming to his house the week before I found mom, just to watch her pull into the barnyard 20 minutes later when she thought I was gone. He sees me driving down the driveway and she is in his car so he drives off into the field as if I am not supposed to notice her sitting next to him. All those wonderful pictures of Lynn he took when they were dating well he’s taking pictures of Spring just the way he used too with mom and he is actively continuing their relationship all while pretending to be such a woeful hurting abandoned husband.
Now I have been opposed to their relationship not because he isn’t entitled to move on with his life but plainly because he refuses to come clean about it. He hasn’t developed feelings that have caused people to think he had an affair, he has hidden his relationship with his girlfriend and treated that relationship like it was a secret affair lying and covering it up, that makes everyone wonder what else are you hiding Kerry and why? But if you are a church member of his church reading this you deserve to know. Abram and I have spoken with numerous pastors, deacons, and men from my dad’s life that have gone to him privately and voiced their objections and concerns over his relationship in every conversation seeking Biblical council, prayer begging that dad see the damage his sin has caused and continues to produce. My father has chosen his secret girlfriend against the advice of dozens of counselors. Abram sought to hold him accountable in his church, but the pastor of First Baptist Church Festus Crystal City has practically ignored his behavior.
Abram sought to follow the Biblical outline for dealing with someone in sin, already having addressed this issue in person and in private. We have reached out to him with deacons and church members bringing witnesses to address Kerry in a Biblical manner. Finally he sought discipline to hold dad accountable before the church body or just the deacons even but to no avail, the pastor responded to his requests by saying “that’s not going to happen”. The week after finding mothers body I spoke with my father’s pastor and he told me that no one in the church had a problem with me or Abram. This is unbelievable to me my dad has split his church in two we have heard from members leaving and the divided body refusing to speak to each other the few that think Kerry can do no wrong refuse to listen to the truth and the ones who tell the truth are outcasts minimized and castigated as gossips and accusers for speaking the truth.
There comes a time when you are so disgusted you just can’t go on ignoring behavior. That time has come I am tired of hearing my dad malign and demean my brother for following the Biblical standard of accountability. I have waited because I knew that if I voiced my concerns they might be misconstrued. I understood before that the detectives needed to put pressure on dad, believing that he was lying about his knowledge of where mom was. But now we have her and they have evidence to process that we eagerly wait for so the pressure we put on dad now won’t find mom and it isn’t and shouldn’t be misconstrued as police desperate for any lead at all.
I do not blame my father for my mother’s death. I am not accusing him of anything related to her disappearance. No, regardless of what the police decide about his involvement or if he is ever charged with anything at all my father has destroyed his own reputation by the manner in which he has conducted himself. I will not sit idle by while he attacks my brother for speaking the truth. When you see the calls for him to come clean we do not simply mean to imply he did something to mom, but just stop lying for any reason at all dad. Lying to protect us from the pain of the truth is wrong there is no justification that makes it right.
The time to repent is now. So yes we have gone to the media because my dad’s church won’t hold him accountable. Yes, it is possible my dad didn’t just lie about his girlfriend, the note, my mother’s mental health, Abram’s childhood, about being accountable to me and Abram, transferring the home that was given to Abram into his name, or all the other things we discussed like cooperating with the police, maybe he has lied about something else? How would we know? He lies about everything it seems how would we know if he isn’t lying about knowing where mom was all this time? I don’t know. Not a theory, not a speculation just a fact how would we know. He can’t be honest about anything else apparently…
Photo Credit: J.B. Forbes, St. Louis Post Dispatch

Lynn Messer: Abram answers more questions

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In Kerry Messer’s recent, Find Lynn Messer, Facebook posts do we read explanations and justifications for events in Lynn’s life, rebuttals to possible accusations that have been leveled at Kerry, and answers to probable investigative talking points?

It appears when articles come out in the local newspapers, evidence is revealed, or a blog post is written that Kerry writes about why the specific talking points all makes sense according to who Lynn was and what she did.  When you read all his Facebook posts does everything line-up and make sense…do you understand why Lynn would have disappeared, why she would have been out in the rain in the dark of night without her walking boot, or how the order of events took place?

Again, thinking of the events surrounding Lynn’s disappearance and the finding of her remains, I have a different perspective, and different questions. I explained my background, which has nothing to do with Lynn or her family; here… I’m simply looking at this from a different point of view; from the view of…what if? What if something like this happened to a woman who had been in an unhealthy marriage?

*I will reiterate that at this point no one has been found guilty of any wrong doing in Lynn’s disappearance or in the discovery of her remains.

Among Abram’s reasons for sharing information with me was for women in abusive relationships; as well as, abusers to see the warning signs—to know help is available and to believe change is achievable. Abram also hoped that putting more information in the public eye could bring about a possible witness stepping forward with testimony or evidence. He also wanted people who supported his father to open their eyes to other possibilities of his mom’s disappearance. See: Lynn Messer—3 Objectives

Random questions and answers from my conversation with Abram Messer:

Question: Had there been a shift in your mom’s behavior? Did it seem she was preparing for death or wrapping up loose ends?

Answer: “Because my mom had spent not only a year and a half working with the kids on their 4H steers for the county fair which was a few weeks away. She had just spent weeks preparing for VBS… She spent the Monday before she vanished working in VBS. Everybody who saw her at church that night said her behavior was totally normal. My mom stopped by Wal-Mart on Monday night on her way home and bought supplies for Tuesday night’s VBS. If you knew how frugal and constantly worried about money she always was I would say there is no way she was preparing to do anything but go and work in VBS for the rest of the week.”

I spoke with Abram Messer back in July of 2016 and the following is information he gave me in regards to his dad, Kerry Messer, and Spring Thomas. Abram also gave a couple of more comments in the last few weeks to news/media outlets.

Question: Are there any other odd encounters you have had with Spring, or times you have seen her with your father that stood out as inappropriate? Before your mom’s disappearance; or after?

Answer: “From the very first time I met Spring in 2012 I was uncomfortable with the way I saw my father interacting with Spring. Not once or twice… but every single time we went up to her farm with the cows or went up to work on the fences, they seem overly comfortable with each other. Then when we took the cows back to her farm in 2014 (early fall of 2014), my father said to Spring,

‘I just got rid of one wife, I’m not in a hurry to get another!’

It seemed that Spring thought it was the funniest thing she had ever heard.”

“Anytime I say anything about Spring he gets mad,” said Abram. “I realized something was off when we were searching and my father made a big announcement that he was not going to let females come into his house.”

Abram explained his father was so stringent he would not allow his mother-in-law, Abram’s grandmother, to come inside and sit in the air conditioning where he was sitting.

“He made her sit out in the 100-degree heat, but yet when Spring was there doing searching, Spring was the one going around telling people that when she got her feet wet, my father took her into his house, dried her feet off and gave her a dry pair of socks and dry shoes to wear,” recalled Abram.¹

Abram said there is no doubt in his mind whatsoever that it (Kerry and Spring’s relationship) was going on for a significant amount of time before his mother went missing.

“…you will never convince me that this was something new that developed six weeks after my mother went missing.”²

“As we began to develop the belief that we were probably coming close to something, we knew the more desperate he would become to keep us quiet,” Abram said sternly. “I will protect my children and I will protect my wife. Even if it means having to protect them from my own father.”³

Question: Does your dad hold any life insurance policies on your mom?

Answer: “Yes, my dad has a life insurance policy on my mom, on myself, and on my wife, Elizabeth.”
Now, on to the Spring Thomas connection: There isn’t much detail to fill in at this point so I will list reported information in chronological order.

Six months preceding Lynn’s disappearance she supposedly went to the barn to take her own life; but instead, turned the gun on cats. This leaves more questions:

Is it possible Lynn already knew about an affair and was so mad she wanted to kill someone? I believe she loved the Lord too much to do that—so, maybe instead, she killed cats; Spring’s other reported objects of affection?

Could this be the reason Kerry said she never tried to commit suicide before her disappearance? Did he know it wasn’t a suicide attempt, but just a fit of rage or a warning?

When deputies from the sheriff’s office were at the Messer home the morning of July 8, 2014, the family was asked if Lynn suffered from depression or had ever attempted suicide. Kerry said Lynn did not suffer from depression, had never been on any medication for depression, never tried to commit suicide, and never talked about it. Elizabeth, Abram’s wife, responded in front of Kerry and the sheriff’s officers that Lynn had tried to commit suicide a few months ago but instead turned the gun on the cats and killed the cats.

Kerry yelled, “She never did that! You don’t know what you’re talking about; don’t listen to her!”

Elizabeth insisted that Lynn did, to which Kerry faltered, “I didn’t know you were aware of it.”

Did Kerry want to keep the focus of the investigation off of the farm property? A suicide would keep investigators searching for a body on or near the home. Would a disappearance possibly keep the focus off of the home and farm and out in the community?

According to Abram, two weeks before Lynn disappeared she went to the home of Spring Thomas to pay her a visit. Abram does not know what transpired at this private meeting.

The day before her disappearance, Lynn told Abram’s wife, Elizabeth, “If anything happens to me—I think Pop should marry Spring.”

Again, from my background, this brings up another question. Had Lynn’s life been threatened? Was she thinking ahead to how she could keep her son’s relationship with their father intact should something happen to her? Was Lynn pondering divorce? Would divorce proceedings in a court of law require showoing all bank accounts and assets which; most likely, would be evenly divided between the plaintiff and the defendant by the judge? Was Lynn considering suicide?

Those who witnessed Kerry’s reported behavior around Spring before Lynn’s disappearance may have possibly seen the reason Lynn mentioned Spring in particular.

“No one is naive enough to believe this was a new relationship,” Abram said. “There was no time to have a relationship, no opportunity to spend meaningful time with someone. I don’t know how my father could say that they were just friends. It was way more than a friendship. Besides, I don’t know what kind of friends you need to take Viagra or Cialis to visit.  The Missouri Times

Spring Thomas was seen by police among search parties organized soon after Lynn’s disappearance. St Louis Post Dispatch

This leads to more questions: Was Spring Thomas searching for a dear friend who was missing? Could this have been a front for how she and Kerry would spin a story of how they came to spend time together?  Could this have been to help control the search and keep people away from evidence? Was she feeling a sense of guilt over Lynn’s disappearance? Or is this purely innocent and coincidental?

When detectives were finally able to get Spring Thomas to respond to them six weeks after Lynn went missing, she would only provide them with a written statement, admitting to being in a relationship with Kerry.

It was six weeks after Lynn went missing that Spring sent Abram private messages through social media. He remembers this on the time line because, in hind sight, it was the same time he believes Spring Thomas was baiting him through messages to find out if Abram knew about her relationship with his dad.

When detectives went to see Spring Thomas, she admitted being in a relationship with Kerry six weeks after Lynn went missing.

A few hours after the investigators talked to Spring, Kerry Messer, called the sheriff’s office. He felt he needed to inform them, and that he wanted be up front with them, about an ongoing friendship he had with a woman named Spring Thomas.

This is reportedly the time when Kerry discontinued cooperating with the investigation. Is it purely coincidental?

Spring also refused anymore interviews with investigators.

Is Kerry Messer an innocent man whose beloved ma, bride, wandered off into the rainy, dark of night to take her own life? According to his 30 minute interview for the DailyJournal Online he and Lynn had a loving and wonderful marriage. If this was true, why did she hide herself so well that it would leave her beloved husband as a possible suspect in her disappearance/death?

Why did Kerry insist that Abram move the cows into the field where Lynn’s scent trail led, which subsequently destroyed the scent trail? Or is this too yet another coincidence? Is it another coincidence that when law enforcement insisted that Kerry move the cows out of that field, he moved them into the field which was right next to where his beloved bride lay just a few yards away?

Kerry, Abram and Aarron all agree on one thing; Lynn was a woman who loved others above herself and served others as a way of life. Does this sound like a woman who would call late at night to make arrangements with her grandchildren for the next day while planning on killing herself within minutes or hours?

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¹ http://dailyjournalonline.com/suspicions-run-high-within-the-messer-family/article_2c82dce2-f2f0-5c94-8da8-52e2c6edb87e.html

² http://dailyjournalonline.com/suspicions-run-high-within-the-messer-family/article_2c82dce2-f2f0-5c94-8da8-52e2c6edb87e.html

³ http://dailyjournalonline.com/suspicions-run-high-within-the-messer-family/article_2c82dce2-f2f0-5c94-8da8-52e2c6edb87e.html

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Status

Lynn Messer: More Answers

Read the updated Wiki page before it is altered: Death of Lynn Messer. It currently has details not yet reported in the media. I was sent a copy of the original update so if the Wiki page becomes altered, I will post the unaltered version on my blog.

“Kerry has challenged anyone with knowledge of his past suggested infidelity come forward. However because of his political influence many are afraid to do so publicly. Anyone with information is urged to contact the Ste Genevieve Sheriffs Office.”¹

Thank you for you interest in this case. Thank you for keeping Lynn’s memory and story alive. Let’s agree in prayer for truth to be found and justice to be served.

 

UPDATE: Around 10:40 p.m. on November 17, 2016 the Wikipedia link was edited. It now reflects an abbreviated version of the disappearance of Lynn Messer. The details written by one of Lynn’s sons is no longer available on the link. My understanding is that the police have given the sons authority to discuss many details of the case. This leads me to question if one of the moderators of the “Death of Lynn Messer” Wiki page does not want those details printed in a public forum since changing the content can drastically change the perspective.

 

I was provided this link for viewing the differences in the son’s version and the newly edited version.  You may copy and paste this link in your web browser:  https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Death_of_Lynn_Messer&diff=750172149&oldid=750157785

 

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¹Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Lynn_Messer

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Suspicions run high within the Messer family

Here is the bulk of information Abram gave me months ago. We were going slow in releasing information; plus, I became busy with selling our family’s home and moving. Then Lynn’s remains were found which has allowed the process to speed up…leading to the freedom to release more information.

You may read more here…

I found the above article, and the white towel incident with Kerry, especially interesting. Authorities made it clear during the original investigation and search of the property not to move or touch any questionable evidence. Kerry is the one who posted on the Find Lynn Messer Facebook page public service announcements for hunters about how to deal with found items. Kerry handled the situation against protocol.

 

 

 

 

Lynn
Video

The Legacy of Lynn Messer

Here is a beautiful tribute to Lynn from her sons, Aarron and Abram Messer. This is a testimony of a life well lived, a woman dearly loved and missed, a fragrant offering to the Lord, and a void that cannot be filled.

I imagine this list is only a sampling of Lynn’s servant heart.

Read about how Lynn was purposeful for Christ here…

Lyrics:

I don’t mind if you’ve got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
And you could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all the who’s-who’s and so-and-so’s
That used to be the best at such and such,
It wouldn’t matter much.

I won’t lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights,
We all need an ‘Atta boy’ or ‘Atta girl’
But in the end I’d like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world.

I want to leave a legacy,
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough?
To make a mark on things
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy.

I don’t have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It’s an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such
Will soon enough destroy.

I want to leave a legacy'(repeat chorus)

Not well-traveled, not well-read
Not well-to-do, or well-bred.
Just want to hear instead,
Well done, good and faithful one’;

I want to leave a legacy..(repeat chorus)

bad-men-c-s-lewis-quote

Toxic Tuesday: Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

npd-59

In older posts I have mentioned narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. I’ve also written about the possibility of an individual having more than one personality disorder. Today I will discuss a narcissistic sociopath.

“Narcissism is a term commonly used to describe those who seem more concerned with themselves than with others. It is important to distinguish between those who have narcissistic personality traits and those suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. Those with narcissistic personalities are often seen as arrogant, confident, and self-centered, but they do not have the exaggerated or grandiose view of their own abilities that characterizes narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a pervasive disorder characterized by self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. As with other personality disorders, this disorder is an enduring and persistent pattern of behavior that negatively impacts many different life areas including social, family, and work relationships.

Narcissistic personality disorder is thought to be less common than other personality disorders such as borderline personality disorderantisocial personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder is estimated to affect 1-percent of the adult population in the United States and is more common among men than women.”  Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms and Treatments, Kendra CherryToxic Tuesday biochem hazard small

Narcissism, not the personality disorder, is rampant in today’s culture. I’m not surprised because God warned us of this in II Timothy 3:1-8: “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,  without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,  treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—  having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires,  always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected.” (NIV)

I feel like I have to purposely guard myself against displaying such traits on a daily basis. Sin and self-centeredness are my default. I also catch myself trying to NOT be like certain people. Talk about being a Pharisee! I have to constantly remind myself to stop the comparing and just be like Jesus. He is the only perfect example and the only One who can help me.

Today’s topic:  Narcissistic Sociopath.

Do you know what it feels like to live but not exist?

If you live with someone with NPD, or are in a significant relationship with them, then you know how it feels.

If you don’t understand; I will help you.

Where are you? Take a look around…look up, down, to your right or your left. Do you see a small object? Your phone, a TV remote, a pen, or a bottle of water. I happen to see a tape measure since I’m in the middle of decorating our new home. You may think I’m being ridiculous, but bear with me, I’m explaining objectification and dehumanization to you. Pick up the object of your choice and think about its feelings. What is it thinking? What are its hopes and dreams; its worries and fears? Is there anything you can do to give encouraging, positive and constructive support? Ask yourself if you’ve ever hurt its feelings or abused it. If so, name what you did, make a sincere apology, and give your word that you will not do it again. Empathize with your object.

Are you feeling absurd and pondering why you allowed a blogger to turn a person of common sense and rationale into a weird person who is currently having a heartfelt conversations with an inanimate object? Your object doesn’t have feelings, needs, hopes or dreams. They don’t require relationship, time, money or support from you to exist in your household. If I become mad or frustrated with my measuring tape I can throw it on the floor or toss it back in the tool box and slam the drawer. I won’t leave an emotional scar on the measuring tape and it won’t need therapy for the abuse it suffered by my hands. I can do what I want with it at my discretion…that’s how a narcissist views people around them.

We are objects: To be dismissed at the narcissist’s convenience…in their time…to serve their wants, needs and/or purpose. Our needs are unimportant to them—unless our need will somehow benefit them. If not, we are ignored, dismissed, abused or discarded. Just as non-narcissistic people view the objects in their lives.

If you live with a narcissistic sociopath you most likely feel like an object; with the exception you do exist. You are a living breathing human being made in the likeness of God; to love and be loved. But you feel like an object and you are not supposed to need time, attention, affection, space or money. It is expected you will only do the things you have been authorized to do and go places which have been pre approved.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010).

If you happen to live with one I am certain you did not willingly pursue such a relationship. No. These people use lies, manipulations and charm to hook their victim; in fact, they probably loved (or seemed to love) everything about you.  By the time you realize the truth and understand healthy, unconditional love isn’t possible, or perhaps they can’t stand you, it is usually too late. (It isn’t impossible for sociopaths to form emotional attachments with others, or to show empathy with certain people or groups, but they have no regard for society in general or its rules.)

Society tends to think of sociopaths as serial killers and murderers only; some are, but not all. They may be someone we would never suspect is evil or as being messed up emotionally and/or sexually. They blend in with us and they are terrific actors, manipulators and con-artists.

I have walked my readers through narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder (also known as sociopath) one step at a time because if you recognize someone with narcissistic personality disorder you are one step closer to identifying a sociopath.

Another reason you tend to not recognize N.P.D. or a sociopath is because you are not a deceiver so you don’t know what one looks like. You are not a manipulator so you have no idea you are being played. You have the capability of loving and bonding so when someone acts like they do too; you have no clue they are performing. Here is the most disturbing part to me: Deceit is such a way of life for them that they are convinced of their own lies. Even when caught in sin or crime and confronted they think: “But wait, that’s not really who I am; therefore, I did not do that.”

i-did-not-do-it

 

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I understand how these personality traits can infiltrate heart, mind, strength and spirit to the point you may believe you are the messed up, in need of help person in the relationship.

If you recognize yourself in such a relationship; seek professional godly counsel.  If you recognize a loved one as possibly having a personality disorder; seek professional godly counsel for them and attend with them. It will not be easy since the recovery rate for these individuals is debatable; between 1%-5%, and I think that is being generously optimistic. The most frustrating part is that the spouse, or significant other, may be the only person who sees and experiences the symptoms, crazy making and ruthlessness of these people. The reason: because they are capable of being grand actors, dynamic speakers, excellent writers, and fake sympathizers. That being said, statistics say many of these people either tend to mellow out between age 40-50 or have perfected their game. It is a toss-up.

This is about to go deeper so grab a cup of something hot to drink and don’t forget a little bit of chocolate.

Below you may read through the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder taken from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), DSM-IV-TR. If you are certain you are dealing with N.P.D. then read the list of 20 sociopathic traits from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. I highly recommend you read this book if you believe you are in a relationship with a sociopath.

If you already know you are in such a relationship and you are in danger please leave immediately and seek help. In the margin of my blog you will find links to articles on abusive relationships, resources for counseling services and referrals, and a link for those who are victims of domestic abuse.

The DSM-IV-TR defines narcissistic personality disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply)

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy. Sam Vaknin has a valuable book, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. This is a necessary read if you interact with N.P.D.

Have you or your loved one/friend qualified for 5 of the 9 criteria for N.P.D.? If so, go through the following list  for qualifications of a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

 

Don’t bury me I’m not yet dead
Don’t bury me I’m not yet dead
Don’t bury me I’m not yet dead
not a walking zombie with no head
not a stepford wife made to obey
don’t want to go through life that way

I’m alive I’m alive
that’s what I say
I’m alive I’m alive
gonna live that way
I’m alive I’m alive
that’s what I say
I’m alive and I’m gonna live today

Do robots dream of electric sheep
I need to live my dreams
not just in my sleep
I’ve been hold up here
but its time to leave
I need to make my move
while I’ve air to breathe
don’t give me drugs no novicane
I must be alive cause I still feel pain

we where born with wings
we where made to fly
we where ment to live
while where still alive

I’m alive I’m alive
that’s what I say
I’m alive I’m alive
gonna live that way
I’m alive I’m alive
that’s what I say
I’m alive and I’m gonna live today

Investigate

Lynn Messer: One Answer Abundant Questions

Investigate

Now that Lynn’s remains have been found and identified there are more questions that need answered. I’ll begin asking a few of those questions while the FBI and sheriff’s office take care of finding answers to the cause of death. Perhaps the cause of death will lead to answers, truth and/or justice.

How does Spring Thomas feel when she reads the Find Lynn Messer Facebook page written by Kerry Messer? I find it interesting that Kerry does not talk about his relationship with Spring in any of the weekly postings on Find Lynn Messer.

Abram Messer says of his dad, “He’s still fabricating stories on Facebook, pretending he’s pining away for his wife.”¹

“Abram fully believes Kerry’s relationship with Spring began long before Lynn went missing.”

“No one is naive enough to believe this was a new relationship,” Abram said. “There was no time to have a relationship, no opportunity to spend meaningful time with someone. I don’t know how my father could say that they were just friends. It was way more than a friendship. Besides, I don’t know what kind of friends you need to take Viagra or Cialis to visit.

“While we were trying to figure out when this relationship could have started, we realized we had been taking cattle up to her farm for years,” Abram said. “I was never comfortable with the way my father acted around her. She acted like a boyhood crush had visited. Then we figured out why there was this sudden rush of stress.”

You may read the above article in its entirety here…

The below entry is over two years after Lynn became a missing person; over two years of Kerry (as he had explained to his sons) being in a “covenant relationship” with Spring Thomas.

 

FIND LYNN MESSER PAGE:
Panting With Thirst, August 21, 2016
Psalms 42 & 43

This summer’s ongoing rains have been delightful for a few reasons, but none as precious as the way they trigger memories of happier days and fun times with my Bride!

This is the third summer of loneliness without Ma, and ironically it is also the third summer of unusual rains for our area. In a sense it has been a double blessing to also have the additional unseasonal rainfall which has kept the fields green and the livestock happy. Typically we face various struggles on the farm from mid-summer to mid-fall because of the hot and dry conditions. But The Lord has seemingly been helping out as I struggle to manage things by myself. After all, Lynn has been our farm manager and has always made most all the decisions regarding livestock, forage management, field rotations, and all the related planning for surviving rural farm life.

 

Where does this leave Spring Thomas?  It’s as if she doesn’t exist.

And then there is this recent article which quotes Kerry Messer speaking at Project Jason, a support group  providing care and support for families of missing persons, primarily adults.

 

Becoming a relative of a missing person means having one’s normal life suddenly shifted to “a new life of gut-wrenching, grieving and struggles that seemingly have no end,” said Kerry Messer, from St. Genevieve County, Missouri.

Messer went to bed with his wife Lynn on July 7, 2014. When he awoke the next morning, she was gone. There was simply no trace of Lynn, then 52. They had been married for 36 years.

“We all know many people who have lost loved ones due to accidents and illnesses,” said Messer. “So, among my friends are widows and widowers. Yet, they can’t comprehend the type of depth of grieving when your wife is just — gone.”

Read the entire article here…

 

Did Kerry mention to the crowd while speaking at Project Jason that his life hasn’t been so lonely since he has a, “covenant relationship” with Spring Thomas and has had since at least six weeks after Lynn’s disappearance; and possibly before the disappearance?

“As this goes on, we’ve found more details, the motivation behind the disappearance and now questions about what else could be hidden. There is no doubt in my mind that my father knows so much more than he will admit to because he can’t decide what he wants to admit to. He is not cooperating, Spring is not cooperating.”² ~Abram Messer

 

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¹http://themissouritimes.com/35308/son-calls-messer-come-clean/

²http://themissouritimes.com/35308/son-calls-messer-come-clean/