Family secrets
Aside

Aarron Messer: In His Own Words

This is a letter Aarron Messer posted on his personal Facebook page last month. He has agreed to share it with my readers.

 

“I waited till after I spoke with my brother before sharing this. My brother and I were raised in the same home but while we are close in age we experienced greatly different impressions of our parents over the past few years. You may not find that when you get done reading this but my world has been turned upside down and I am just trying to grasp it.

This article, Daily Journal Online: Son shares another perspective on disappearance is his (Abram’s) story—his sentiment. I can’t say there isn’t another side to much of the content of the stories he shares; there is. I know that the content is true even though I didn’t see it as abuse at the time. However, from my perspective there are things you should know.

My ex-wife and I don’t agree on much, but you can ask her—I have always felt that the most important thing to me in my former marriage was to not be my father. I have never wanted to make excuses but I never knew a different set of parents than mine. So I only knew them as they were, while I never liked my father’s dominant control over my mother it was just the way it was and it was what my mother accepted.

I was just as blind to the abuse as I am sure my mother was. I have always considered my father’s attitude toward my mom as off and distasteful. I have been very frustrated and angry at him in the past for the way he treated her in private. To be completely open with you when I married at 19 I was desperate to treat my wife any way but the way he treated my mom.

The little things like the way he called her, “woman.” The way he referred to her in an analogy in a family wide text message after my mother’s hip replacement surgery, when she had trouble and had a fever, he didn’t tell us mom has a fever, he jokingly talked about her as if she was a car at the mechanic and her temp was running high. It made my stomach sick.

A few years back when I was pastoring, my mother had a rather lengthy private discussion with me about wives and submitting to your husband biblically. She expressed concern because she believed it was her duty to do what her husband says even if it meant doing something you believed to be sinful because it was on your husband if he told you to do wrong. Your duty is to obey him. She was seemingly shocked when I objected and told her,
“No absolutely not. It doesn’t excuse you from doing wrong.” She told me her “friend” was forced to do sexually repulsive acts and participate in viewing pornographic material with her husband because he told her too and it was her duty to obey. She didn’t really feel that it was right to do those things but that the wife couldn’t be guilty of doing something wrong if she was just submitting to her husband.

I heard many a time as a young man before I got married the instructions from my dad repeated by my mom to pick a young one so you can train them right. It was disgusting and laughed off, “Oh that’s Kerry making a joke.” My parents met when my dad was a high school senior and my mom was 14. The story I was always told was that my mother ran away from home to be with my dad and they got married when she was 17.

My dad did not involve my mother in financial matters and my mom was always—always terrified of their financial state. In the last few years it became clear to me that my dad kept her from knowing financial affairs because he had to be in control. Despite my best efforts, that behavior followed me into my marriage and was a major contributor to the deterioration of my marriage. I know that I thought I was protecting my wife…she can’t panic about what she doesn’t know; after all that was what my dad did.

In the past few weeks before mother disappeared she was panicking about the steers, and their finances. She told her grandchildren that the grain to feed those steers had cost so much money that the kids probably wouldn’t make a dime after they paid their grandpa back. Of course this was nonsense; more of my dad keeping her in the dark. It wasn’t a joke…my dad refused to tell my mom what was in the bank. As he would put it, “She can’t handle that.”

There was good.

I can’t remember a time where my parents didn’t start their day together taking a bath together and doing their daily devotional together in the bath tub. The arguments and disagreements weren’t ugly because my mother complied. My wife did not. In retrospect, she shouldn’t have. I don’t regret that my wife wasn’t submissive, but that I had been taught she was expected to be. My mother may have been trained, she may have been brow beaten and conditioned into compliance, but my mother was absolutely devoted to my dad. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

I have always known in my heart that the way my dad dominated my mother was wrong. But I allowed myself to believe it was just the way their relationship was. She chose to be with him. She believed she was doing the right thing. Of the many wrongs my mother experienced—not recognizing the signs of abuse and not helping her is one of my biggest regrets.

Even now, looking back…conversations, parenting decisions, jokes such as, “we don’t believe in divorce, murder yes—divorce no,” they all take a new light. I am reconsidering my childhood all over. Still, none of this makes my dad guilty of murder. None of it answers where is my mom, did dad do something too her? It is truth and it pulls back an ugly curtain and shines the light on every dark blotch of my parent’s lives. I don’t want my mother to be thought of as an abused, depressed wife driven to suicide.

Doesn’t every child want to see their parents as perfect? What do you do when one disappears and the other one is the only suspect?

I have said this before and it’s the plain truth, when the police asked me what I would think if my dad hurt my mom, “anyone is capable of anything.” I don’t have evidence. If they do then use it to file charges. Where is my mom? I haven’t a clue today anymore than I did 2 years, 14 days and 18 hours ago. My attitude hasn’t changed. My dad has destroyed his own reputation and I am sick to my stomach, but get it right folks; he did this too himself. He has had every opportunity to come clean, to let the truth be told, and he has always chose to keep the public in the dark…hide the real you…don’t air that dirty laundry.

He has managed his public image and your impression of him for 30 years. He isn’t going to change today. Maybe that’s the real mistake my brother and I have made, thinking that finding our mother is more important than what you think about my dad. If you can’t tell, Find Lynn Messer has nothing to do with finding her, just managing your impression of the grieving husband. Ignore the replacement for her that he’s had for the past 100 weeks, of 106, since she disappeared.”

Love her soul
Video

Difficult, Disappointing, or Destructive Marriage?

Listen to Leslie Vernick’s 4 1/2 minute video to find out the difference between a difficult, disappointing, and destructive marriage.

Talking about destructive marriages, I want to submit to my readers that the patriarchal movement qualifies as destructive. I have heard of, and read of, leader after leader in the patriarchal movement falling to significant sexual sin. Of course, this is not universally true, but it seems to be a breeding ground for men with ulterior motives for engaging in this movement. I have received numerous communications from women who are, or were, caught up in the movement. In these cases; men were given authority over all areas of the wife’s life and it led to situations of unrighteous domination and huge sexual addictions, sin and abuse by the husband.

Hopefully you’re in a terrific marriage! If so, you can watch the video to better understand what a friend or relative may be suffering through in their marriage.

A past contributor to my blog, Joy S, who wrote on the subject of, “Narcissistic Parents: Parts 1,2,3 & 4” reminded me of the following quote for this specific topic:

“The Woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” Matthew Henry

Evidence: Lynn Messer’s Note

Investigate

Yes, we are now discussing the note that has been entered into evidence and examined by the F.B.I.

It wasn’t the first time that Lynn had left notes. Abram remembers other notes his mom left for them where she would sometimes be relatively passive aggressive while voicing her opinion.

We will review Abram’s accounting of what led to the note, but first, I want my readers to know I would rather not include a private disagreement for which Lynn isn’t here to defend herself. However, since an attempt has been made to use the note as hypothetical evidence to show that supposedly, after suffering abuse by Abram’s hands, Lynn apparently did something to herself to escape Abram—I decided to use Abram’s account of what led to the part of the written note that pertained to him.

It began one day when Abram’s mom baked a delicious batch of homemade cookies then called Elizabeth, Abram’s wife, and asked if she could bring cookies to the grand kids. It appeared that the cookies were a front, a way of visiting the house while Abram wasn’t home, for voicing a complaint to Elizabeth.

Because Elizabeth had already been dealing with enough anxiety, and since she had hashimotos, an auto-immune disease which can be aggravated by stress, Abram knew that it was his job to protect Elizabeth and not allow unhealthy boundaries to grow.  He talked to his mom to clarify what transpired and it grew into an argument. He wanted his mom to stop ambushing his wife; which his mom denied doing.

He yelled at her that she did do it and that she wasn’t to talk to or treat Elizabeth like that anymore. Abram told his mom if she had a concern or a problem they could deal with it, but she had to stop her ambushing. His mom retorted, “I don’t do that. I’ve never don’t that!”

To which Abram inquired, “So you’ve never done that?”

His mom protested, “No. I have never done that!”

Then Abram reminded her that she had done it to him many times throughout the years, he could remember major ambushing dating back to when he was sixteen years old. She said she had no idea what he was referring to so he dredged up the past and narrated it to her.

At age 16 when Abram and Elizabeth were dating the two of them were sent to Wal-Mart on an errand by her parents to buy cheese and salad for dinner preparations. Elizabeth retrieved the food items and having an ornery, comical side to her, sent Abram after an item she needed; tampons. Abram found them and as he saw Elizabeth walking across the store toward him he yelled, “Are these the right ones?”

Abram later asked Elizabeth what the tampons were. She told him they were for her period, but Abram was clueless as to what exactly a, ‘period’ was because his parents had not taught him about, ahem….reproductive organs or procreation.

A few days later, Elizabeth attended a home economics co-op that Lynn was teaching in the Messer’s home. Elizabeth pulled Lynn aside privately and told her what happened. Saying “Abram doesn’t know what a period is. I think you should probably have a conversation with him, or maybe you could just give him some reading materials—because I don’t think you want me to have that conversation with him.”

Address it she did; that day, during the home economics class while there was a group of 10-15 teen girls standing around.

How did she do this you may be asking? First we will set the background for it.

Abram remembers privacy not being promoted in their home, in the bathroom or the bedroom; in fact, there were slats in the bathroom door which didn’t allow for total seclusion. His mom waited until Abram went into the bathroom during the home economics class to have, ‘the talk’ with Abram. She pronounced loudly through the door in very specific detail over the giggles and laughs of the girls in the class.

So when Abram’s mom said she never ambushed, didn’t remember that, and had no idea what he was talking about; the above example was his rebuttal. After they went back and forth for quite a while, Abram realized that he had lost his temper with his mother (they were in the truck driving over to a neighbor’s house to bale hay), and the two of them sat quietly for several minutes. In the emotional moments that followed Abram apologized. He went on to tell her that he loved her, and made her the commitment to work through any future stresses between them in a healthy Biblical manner.

Abram thought things where fine between them because a day or so later on the Fourth of July, Abram and his family went to a family friend’s house with his parents and celebrated the holiday together eating and talking all evening long. An interesting side note, the “Find Lynn Messer” Facebook post of July 3rd, 2016 mentions Kerry and Lynn spending the Fourth at a friend’s house, but omits the fact that Abram and his family were there. It has been brought to question if this was an attempt to shift blame by altering the facts. If Lynn was upset enough with her son to harm herself; it is extremely unlikely that she would have spent an entire evening sitting around the table talking, laughing and visiting together for hours.

On the morning of the July 8th, Abram revealed all of the details surrounding this conflict with his mother to law enforcement. Abram has been open not only with the detectives, but with many family members and friends.

 

Abram Messer said his father never disclosed to the public that the morning his wife disappeared he had found a vague note of affection, apology and regret seemingly written by Lynn. Kerry Messer had maintained that his wife had vanished without a clue.“¹

The note page has been analyzed by the F.B.I. All we really know is that the note was written with different inks, potentially at different times.

Between 7:30-8:00 a.m. his dad mentioned the note in passing—while also telling Abram NOT to come down to his house. Instead of wanting Abram to help locate Lynn, he wanted him to move the cows, and stay home. His dad told Aarron about the worrisome note before he mentioned it too Abram, and Aarron decided to call the sheriff’s office himself and report that his mom appeared to be missing. Abram believes the call his brother made greatly displeased his dad because Kerry was irate that law enforcement had been called, telling both his sons to leave because the cops had been notified.

Different articles and Facebook posts over the last two years led readers to believe Lynn’s husband was the one who called the sheriff’s office. Several media outlets have stated that Kerry called 911. But this is simply another falsehood. Kerry had over four hours in which he could have called law enforcement—but did not. A four hour window of time for Lynn to have been missing is possible, but if one retraces the timeline there are possibly eight hours of missing time during which something could have happened to Lynn.

 

In July of 2016, “authorities confirmed the existence of a note possibly left by Lynn Messer before her disappearance — a note police retrieved the morning of her disappearance. They say they do not consider it a suicide note.

Kerry Messer said last week he sidestepped many questions from the media about whether his wife left a note because authorities asked him to keep it quiet. 

Kerry Messer said he did so because a middle section of the note referenced a recent family squabble between Lynn and Abram. That section was written in different ink, said Abram Messer, who was first given a copy of the note by police last year.

“I tried to protect (Abram) from that note because I feared if something bad had happened, that seeing that note would cause him to take on all the blame and all of the guilt,” Kerry Messer said.

Abram Messer isn’t buying his father’s explanation. He said his father’s handling of the note was intentionally meant to cast his son as a suspect in his mother’s disappearance.

Kerry Messer said authorities had previously questioned him for nine hours about the note, alleging he had written it and not his wife — an allegation he denies. Police say the FBI has not been able to conclude whether Lynn Messer wrote the letter.”²

From what Abram has learned through the investigation; it appears words were deliberately phrased to cast the light of possible guilt on him and his brother.  Abram is concerned that his father’s handling of the note possibly changed the way law enforcement interacted with Abram. By contrast, Abram was told by his father that the detectives told him he was not allowed to talk about the note to anyone. There are also other complicated issues surrounding the note. There are questions about Kerry moving and hiding the note the morning of July 8, 2014, and making multiple copies of the note before law enforcement responded that morning. Detectives didn’t find out about the reproductions until much later when Kerry was showing his friends the photocopies.
When Abram was finally able to read and examine the note these were his thoughts:
  • He believes the main body of the note was written directly to him, the evening of their boundaries and ambushing spat, or soon after. It references, “the talk” Lynn had with him through the bathroom door, and it was left out with his old biology book.
  • It appears, in his opinion, to have been written at different times, clearly with different pens, and extra lines written at the top and bottom of the paper.
  • He doesn’t believe it was a suicide note.
  • He does believe that she may have had information that she knew would be difficult for her family and she may have been preparing to present information to them—along with an apology for what she felt she had to do.
Abram was not allowed to see the note for nine months, and during that time there were a few notions deliberately planted in his mind.
  •  “Because of the note we know that either your mother is dead, or she will spend the rest of her life in a mental institution.”
  • On the morning of the disappearance a letter from Lynn was recovered. It was “non-descript” but could have been interpreted as a suicide note.
  • The investigators wanted the letter to be kept a secret. The person who told Abram this claimed it was because investigators were trying to frame that person for murder.

Kerry has claimed in other media outlets that he doesn’t understand the note at all, that none of it makes any sense to him. This leaves questions as to why Kerry told Abram on multiple occasions that:

  • He already knew all about the argument Abram had with his mom.
  • He knew all of the details involved, he also knew that Abram had been talking about the spat he had with his mother and speaking openly about it.
There is concern that the mystery of the note, and the changing of the words surrounding it, are being used to shift the public eye of suspicion away from Kerry while he claims that he is trying to protect family members by withholding information about the note’s content—but the family member he is claiming to be protecting is the son he fired from Missouri Family Network and forced out of his home; the home in which Abram, his wife and his children lived.
Questions abound.
Lynn is still missing.
God saw what happened.
He knows.
So we ask,

“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
 on earth as it is in heaven.” Matthew 6:9-10

“Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” Matthew 18:18

Heavenly Father,

We acknowledge that we are dust; Your dust. We praise you our Creator for being passionate about Your relationship with us. Thank you, Jesus, that You, “always live to intercede for us.” We are sinful. We mess up, forget, live in fear, and live in defeat instead of putting on the armour of God and living in Your power; growing the fruit of the Spirit and making faith a daily action.

Today, we thank you for Your word which, “is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword…” You are powerful and You have ordained that Your word is powerful; we believe, and therefore we speak—not think—but say outloud…Your word.

We agree together to continue praying for Lynn’s location to be revealed. You have a great storage room in heaven filled with gifts, blessings and answered prayers. If one of those answered prayers is for Lynn’s location to be revealed, then we pray for Your will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. Reveal it!  We bind evil, in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, from having any more reign over this situation; over the hiddenness of Lynn Messer. However it happened, whoever is responsible we ask, “Why do you hold back Your hand, Your right hand? Take it from the folds of Your garment and destroy them (destroy their plan to deceive; declare victory over the deception!)

Lord, we have heard of your fame;

We stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord.

Renew them in our day,

In our time make them know.” Habakkuk 3:2

In the name of Jesus we petition this, Amen

 

¹http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/missing-woman-case-tears-apart-jefferson-city-lobbying-team/article_685b6b96-c31e-5f66-907b-afc86f6f304f.html
²http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/missing-woman-case-tears-apart-jefferson-city-lobbying-team/article_685b6b96-c31e-5f66-907b-afc86f6f304f.html
*All scripture references are from the New Internation Version
Status

Lynn Messer: The Note, and my mistake

Investigate

First, an apology to my readers who received a notification that, “The Note” had published. As I was preparing the layout, and everything that has to be entered for behind the scenes publishing, I somehow—accidentely, hit “PUBLISH.” I know my family and closest friends are not surprised by this because it’s how I roll, doing things I don’t mean to do, but this was a serious mistake on my part. When I talked with Abram Messer,  a week after my first post about his mom, I told him I wanted to send my articles to him for review. Because I took several pages of notes during our conversation I want to make sure I don’t misquote him, write something differently than how he meant it, or take liberties with my writing that might not represent fact. When the article published it had not been edited for accuracy. This is his story; not mine, and I want to help keep Lynn’s memory alive. Like you, I want her to be found. I also want to honor my word to Abram and that is why as soon as I realized what happened, 18 minutes after the fact, I removed the post. “The Note,” will be published sometime this weekend. Thank you for your patience.

 

Narcissised
Gallery

20 More Narcissistic Red Flags

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive,disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,  without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,  treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. 2 Timothy 3:1-5

Because I know there are those of you who woke up today asking, “Is it me? Am I crazy? This all has to be my fault! I can’t do anything right. My defects are continually pointed out; character traits that I thought were good, positive and helpful, are identified as terrible and wrong. I feel like I should just go sit on the shelf and be quiet until I am asked for and needed. I thought I was strong, intelligent, capable, a good friend, generous, happy and hospitable. Now I feel empty—sad…erased. Where did I go?”

Perhaps it isn’t you! No loving, empathetic human would treat another like this. Maybe it’s time to look at your difficult person through a new set of lenses.

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

So here, I’m handing you a new set of eyes. While I’m at it, I’ll lend you a new pair of ears so you can recall if these are phrases you often hear. Do the below statements reflect how you have felt, how your heart has ached, questions you have asked, or statements that have been made to you?

If so, you may want to study narcissistic personality disorder. If the below problems identify a relationship you are in, you will need professional help; along with, prayer and bible study to make it through to healthy thinking, wise boundaries and an emotionally safe relationship.

You can do it!

 

NPD 12NPD 32NPD 33NPD 34NPD 35NPD 38NPD 75NPD 44NPD 45NPD 47NPD 48NPD 49NPD 51

NPD 73

NPD76NPD 52

 

 

 

 

 

NPD 53NPD 54NPD77NPD 56

Leslie Vernick,Photo credit: Twitter profile picture
Video

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

If  you wonder if you are in a destructive marriage, or if you know a friend or family member who is in a destructive marriage and you want to support them, this post will help you.

Last week a dear friend reminded me about Leslie Vernick, and her Christ-centered counseling. It’s perfect timing considering the content of some of my recent articles. I often blog to validate women who are living in abusive marriages, or who have left abusive marriages; specifically those who endured someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

Leslie Vernick picks up where  most counselors leave off. It’s rare to find a counselor who fully understands the dynamics of living with an emotionally abusive husband; Leslie does.

If you don’t know who Leslie is, and you’re living in a difficult marriage, consider Leslie your life line…the key to your sanity…a gift from God. She will teach you how to thrive in difficult circumstance and how to set boundaries.

I will post a series of  short videos over the next few weeks. If this is your first time to stumble across Leslie Vernick, and you realize you need her help now, and quickly, then you can find her on Youtube and binge watch all day long. It’s good stuff! You can also locate her books the Emotionally Destructive Relationship and The Emotionally Destructive Marriage at your local library, bookstore, or on Amazon.

“They’ve diagnosed cancer of the marriage as a common cold.”

~Leslie Vernick on the state of counsel abused women receive from pastors, teachers, lay people, counselors and authors. 

Watch this 3 minute introduction video:

Follow Leslie on Twitter

On Facebook

For women who are still struggling with what is required regarding submission in your marriage,  I beg you to watch this 8 minute video, by Leslie Vernick, at Visionary Womanhood.

Do You Think You Might Be in an Emotionally Destructive “Christian” Marriage?

“This is a serious problem in the Church. There are many women married to “Christian” men who only see their wives as objects to be used, mocked, and criticized rather than valuable co-heirs of the grace of life. (It can be the other way around too, but this blog is written for women.) These women are encouraged by their church to submit, overlook, forgive, and shut up. If they try to get help, they are told they are angry (as abused people often are), whiny, and ruining their husband’s reputation. What they really are is confused, brainwashed, and gagged. Their children grow up believing that to be a “Christian” is to pretend, hide, and cover up. They end up despising Christianity and marriage, seeing these as hypocritical cesspools of evil. If you suspect you fall into this category, or you think you know someone who does, here are some places to start getting help in seeing your situation clearly:” ~Natalie at Visionary Womanhood READ MORE HERE

 

Lynn Messer: Patriarchal History

Lynn Messer Bap news

Photo Credit: Find Lynn Messer Facebook page

This is the fifth in a series of posts about the disappearance of Lynn Messer; wife of prominent Missouri pro-family, pro-life, pro-homeschooling lobbyist, Kerry Messer.

Kerry’s son, Abram knows and reads the word of God; and therefore, he believes the way his dad treated his mom was biblically wrong. Women are not objects to be used by their husbands for unholy purposes. He knew his mom did not deserve to be yelled at, cussed at, belittled, constantly referred to derogatorily as, “Woman” and made to feel unworthy by his dad. His mom was not called to obey her husband as though she were a slave. She should not have had to worry about finances, how they were going to maintain their home, or feed the life stock on their farm while his dad refused to write a balance in the checkbook because he wanted complete control and didn’t want his wife to know how much money they possessed. Kerry reportedly hid money from Lynn for at least a decade.

Kerry reportedly believed in the patriarchal movement; a social system where men are in authority over women in all aspects of society. This is not a biblical doctrine. Patriarchy tends to be a lifestyle taught in some of the Christian and homeschooling community at conferences and conventions. I pray that the planning leadership of such conferences no longer allow such harmful principles to be propagated within the homeschooling movement. Opinions should not be presented as scriptural fact through the twisting of scripture. Some opinions are not worthy of debate. In the patriarchal movement wives and daughters are essentially servants in their own homes. Often times the wives go along with this instruction and mentor younger women in the same beliefs. Lynn worked as a mentor in her church where she was teaching younger women about submission, under a patriarchal background, causing concern among other female members who were talking about removing Lynn from the mentoring program.

“While people are entitled to personal opinions within a broad range, there are some views within the patriarchy movement that go too far. Women are not to be the de facto slaves of men. Women are created with dignity equal to that of men. Women have direct and unmediated access to God. Daughters should not be taught that their only and ultimate purpose in life is to be the “helpmeet” of a man. While being a godly wife is a worthy ideal, the only statement that is universally true for every woman is that she should love and serve God as her highest priority.” ~Michael Farris, HSLDA 

Abram Messer mentioned experiences that have been happening the last few months. He, and his wife Elizabeth, are having memories that hold important clues to his dad’s behavior. I too have had the same experiences as I remember past events and conversations I had with my former husband, who is now in prison; conversations that were clues to his real self and his hidden life; clues that add up and now make sense. I told Abram, if he and his wife are like me, the experiences will likely occur for years.

While Abram was dating Elizabeth during their teen years, and their relationship began to grow more serious, he said that Kerry made a phone call to Abram’s future mother-in-law, Elizabeth’s mom. Stories were fabricated and embellished to paint a picture that Abram’s parents had problems with Abram in the past. In hind sight; this is confirmation to Abram and Elizabeth that his dad’s secret life was much deeper and more frightening than they ever realized, and that his dad was concerned Abram would spill the beans on their family life. Therefore he paved the way with… Abram can’t be trusted or believed so don’t believe him if he tells you anything questionable about my behavior.

Abram Messer worked with his dad, Kerry, for Missouri Family Network as a lobbyist for twelve years. Abram often found it unsettling the way he saw his dad mistreat his mom personally, at work and on the farm. He was concerned about the dual personality of his father who could switch on the charm, charisma and polished professional mask to anyone who wasn’t family. Abram loved his dad and didn’t realize the depth and seriousness of what he was observing; after all, it was the normal behavior he watched through the years of growing up in the Messer family home. Abram continued lobbying with his dad, and tolerating his dad’s behavior, because he believed God called him to work in Jefferson City; trusting that his obedience to God was important enough to bear twelve years of being cussed out, screamed at and belittled on an almost daily basis. Behaviors which only intensified over the last two years. Including telling Abram and his wife that their pain was, “insignificant.”

Through the twelve years of working with is dad, Abram was never allowed to see financial records or mailing information. Shortly after Lynn’s disappearance, unbeknownst to Abram, a fund-raising letter was sent out to the M.F.N. mailing list, requesting immediate financial help during Kerry’s time of trouble.

Kerry, later told Abram it was the most money he had ever received at one time from a financial appeal, and he was thinking of sending out another mailing. In hind sight, this is apalling since his dad had stockpiled two and a half million dollars in assets and kept it hidden from his wife and sons.

Abram said he and his dad have had three confrontations over the last two years. The first was late in 2014, when after Abram told his father that he believed his behavior around Spring for several previous years was inappropriate; Kerry flew into a rage. In June of 2015 his brother, Aarron, discovered that their father was in an illicit relationship with  Spring Thomas. After Aaron confronted his father, and demanded to know what was going on, Kerry lied. It was only after fifteen minutes or more of Aarron pressing his dad that Kerry did admit he had been hiding his relationship. Aarron insisted that his brother, Abram, be called and also told of the secret relationship. The three men sat around Kerry’s dining room table and talked for hours. Both boys expressed complete disapproval. Not because they had an expectation that their father should have to spend the rest of his life alone; but rather because of the months that Kerry had been lying to them and hiding his relationship with Spring. Kerry went on and described what he called a “covenant relationship.” Since Aaron refused to leave until his father told what was going on with Spring, Kerry also confessed that he deliberately had Abram drive separately to Jefferson City all legislative session because he was preplanning time to sneak off to Spring’s house alone, didn’t want anyone to know, and in fact had been going to Spring’s house two or three times a week—alone—since at least January 2015. Both Aaron and Abram expressed their disapproval and extreme disappointment; as well as, told him they believed he was in sin. Even if Kerry was not currently involved in sexual sin with Spring, as he claimed, the nature of his long-term deception and lies would only take him further down a road of self-destruction, and deeper into sin.

Weeks later When Abram discovered that Kerry was still lying to him, hiding his secret trips to see Spring, Abram and Kerry had another confrontation. The next day Abram asked his dad to tell the truth and come clean; and urged Kerry (because of his sin of deception, and his personal compromise) to step down as President of Missouri Family Network. Abram explained, “I am not asking you to turn M.F.N. over to me; there are plenty of other people who could run the organization until this situation is resolved.” But Kerry insisted that he would turn Missouri Family Network over to his son Abram; as well as, turn Abram’s home over to him, so that as the investigation continued they would not end up homeless. Again, this was not the answer Abram was looking for and after waiting five months for his father to tell the truth or do any of the things that he claimed he was going to do—they had the third confrontation. The third meeting was when Abram was able to persuade his father to meet with their pastor; where he found out that not only was Kerry still lying, but Kerry admitted that he never intended to do any of the things he said…and he never would.  Kerry also admitted to writing a fake suicide note thats sole purpose was to manipulate people who disagreed with him…by threatening self harm; tactics which Abram says Kerry is still attempting to use. An unhealthy warning of Kerry’s attempt to get Abram back under his control, and to manipulate people was truly sinking in and causing concern.

Once Abram could get his head above the clouds and see clearly; he realized more and more how emotioanlly damaging his dad was to him.

Sometimes it takes being removed from a difficult relationship to recognize how harmful it is and to experience freedom from the control and manipulation.

According to Abram, as the investigation around Lynn’s disappearance continued, his dad again used finances to try to manipulate and control Abram and his family. Since financial incentives didn’t work, his dad took it all back. He unilaterally dissolved the legal partnership, and used creative accounting to claim that Abram owed him $5,000. Which is roughly equivalent to the 5% ownership of Missouri Family Network which Abram owned. In firing Abram, his dad also forced Abram, along with Elizabeth and their four children, Kerry’s grandchildren, out of the house Abram’s grandfather gave them twelve years ago.

Abram’s point for sharing some of this testimony is, “There’s a reason tough love is called tough love. It is not because I hate my dad and I’m out to get him. I love him. My deepest desire is for him to repent of his sin and follow the example of King David when the Prophet Nathan confronted him about his sin with Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 12. I have tried to follow biblical teachings for confronting my dad, but there are other issues. Churches have a moral and biblical responsibility to call sin, sin and protect the victims inside the church of Jesus Christ; however, churches aren’t willing to truly confront sin. If an individual refuses to repent, the church needs to be willing to cut ties and treat these types of people as unbelievers.”

Another reason for sharing is to put another perspective in front of hundreds of struggling families and retired individuals who struggle financially and still send money to M.F.N. Abram says, “They deserve to know that they are being fleeced—not the people who are so close that they can’t see the forest through the trees, but those who are sacrificially giving.”

Now I want to turn attention back to the, “Find Lynn Messer” Facebook page.

Another possible coincidence to narcissistic style is observing the Find Lynn Messer FB page and seeing how it is maintained to present a squeaky clean and pure persona—in spite of acknowledging to the media that he is physically involved with Spring. I have read comments from people who ask tough questions, make logical arguments, or state glaring issues they see in supposed stories of ideal love and heart wrenching loneliness. Unlike the encouraging, praise-filled, we are praying for you, comments that are enjoyed and appreciated; the opposite comments are quickly deleted so a watching world can’t see that there are people who question or take issue with the way, “Ma, the Bride” is talked about. And that is aside from the incredible amount of factual inaccuracies, and out right fabrications, according to family.

In a future post I will cover details about Abram’s argument with his mom; as well as, the note she wrote before disappearing.

Side note to a romantic, or potential romantic, interest: Has precedence has already been set? Many psychologists agree that if people with unhealthy ways of interacting don’t change by age 30 they will not change. “The 20th century Harvard psychologist William James said that after age 30, the personality has ‘set like plaster.’”¹  If they hid money from their spouse they will hide it from you. If they expected their spouse to cater to their every decision, command, and whim; they will expect it of you. If they gained a rise out of calling their spouse names, they will call you names—it’s just a matter of time. If they became bored with spouse #1 they will become bored with you too. If…they did the unthinkable to their spouse…well…they could do it to you. (Remember Drew and Stacy Peterson?) If a person will lie about their spouse and children to save their reputation; they will lie about you. People who recruit friends and romantic interests, eventually become tired and bored once they secure the relationship. What they are attracted to is your strength. What they hate after securing you in a relationship is your strength, and they will spend their energy verbally, emotionally and spiritually shredding your very being. You will likely feel like an empty shell of yourself; realizing your vibrant, bubbly, confident, capable, intelligent, energetic, outgoing, hospitable-self died; figuratively, and perhaps literally. Now would be the perfect time to pray, repent, and give God permission to insert His leadership into your life over this issue.

 

¹http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/30/thirtysomethings_n_6219808.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680603/ 

 

NPD 63

Photo credit: The Missouri Times
Status

Kerry Messer Not Cooperating; Family History

I reached out to the Messer brothers last weekend through social media and explained to them who I am, why I blog, what my background is, and that I wrote a blog post about their mom’s disappearance.

I told them if they wanted to share anything with my readers I would be honored to listen, and to be a voice for their mom.  I assured them that I understood if they didn’t have the time, energy, or interest to schedule this in their lives right now.

They both kindly replied.

Today I will share a portion of Abram Messer’s reply, “I’ve been thinking about reaching out to you to not only thank you for your piece, but to see if you would be interested in talking to me. One of the many issues that I struggle with having grown up in a home where destructive ideology  was normal is my desire to break, (I pray permanently) the sin cycle and demonstrate a Biblical example for my children to see. I would love to share more of our story with you. Thank you for following the prompting of the Holy Spirit to reach out to me.”

According to Abram Messer, and confirmed with the Ste Genevieve County Sheriff’s Office, Kerry Messer, is no longer cooperating with the investigation and hasn’t been for almost a year.  And with this, I can tell you that Abram has been doing what no child, no matter what age, could ever imagine having to do. He has been assisting in an investigation that revolves around his dad, due to the disappearance of his mom.

During my conversation with Abram, he conveyed his appreciation and trust in the Ste Genevieve County Sheriff’s Office. He explained they have, and continue to do, a terrific job. He equally included the hours upon hours of interviews over the days, months and last two years they conducted with him. Abram mentioned how investigators stepped inside his head and pulled out information he wouldn’t have thought of on his own. He reflected that if the authorities need another 9 hour interview from his head he will give it every day. Abram has complete faith in their ability because they want to come to the truth. So if you have heard by word of mouth, or read in other news outlets, that the investigators aren’t doing their job it simply isn’t true.

*Disclaimer: There have been no arrests made in the disappearance of Lynn Messer. Kerry Messer remains innocent of any charges. I am not claiming anyone is mentally ill or guilty; but simply pointing out concerns.

For those of you who cannot imagine any husband having anything to do with his wife’s disappearance I will walk you through a bit of Messer family history according to, Lynn and Kerry’s son, Abram. While talking to Abram, I could have literally finished some of his sentences for him because I understand what he lived through growing up and I understand some of the mind-set I hear and read about his father.

I’ve often wondered why people are easily hoodwinked by the possibility of dual personality individuals. I wonder if it’s from having a good heart that’s always looking for the best in people; because who goes around looking for evil.  We tend to believe what we see. If we were at the theatre watching a play we would expect to see grand acting, but we don’t anticipate seeing it in the office, at church, at school, at the store, or standing in the driveway talking to a neighbor.

If you think it was easy for Abram to recall this history, I can tell you it wasn’t. There were a few times I thought our phone call had disconnected, but no, he

Abram Messer 1

Photo Credit: J.B. Forbes, St. Louis Post Dispatch

was distraught and needed time to process what he wanted to say. He loves his mom. He loves his dad.  He wants to help other families, other women, and other victimizers recognize abuse before it’s too late. He speculated that recent events have changed how he views his relationship with his wife and children. He believes human nature will do one of two things.

  1. Repeat the Cycle

  2. Go to the opposite extreme

We both agreed that there is a better option. Stop holding any person to a standard you want to achieve, or a low you want to avoid. Our standard is Jesus. If His heart, mind, way and will is what we chase after we will always be progressing in a good and healthy direction.

Survivors, and witnesses, share their stories because it could be the key that leads to freedom for other victims. Abram was clear on his objectives for speaking out about his family life and his mom’s disappearance. You can read, LYNN MESSER: 3 OBJECTIVES, by clicking here.

Abram believed for a long time his father lived two lives. Kerry seemed different at home than he was at church or anywhere else. Out of curiosity I asked, “How old were you when you came to this realization?”

Abram didn’t have to think about the answer, he knew it, “Between 10 and 12 years old.”

I asked because 10-12 seems to be a common age when children become aware of abusive or mentally unstable parents. Children often wonder if something is wrong sooner, but that tends to be the age when they know, and can understand it and verbalize it.

Abram conveyed that he grew up having a dread of daddy coming home from work; just knowing he would come home from work caused anxiety because he knew dad only cared about work. When at friends’ homes he envied the kids’ excitement when their daddy arrived home from work. They would excitedly run to the window waiting for their father to walk through the door to great them.

The term, “Ma” that Kerry uses in his Facebook posts on the, “Find Lynn Messer” page originated when the boys were around 14-15 years old. The term came from the Ma and Pa Kettle films. Lynn never liked the term, and requested that Kerry not use it but he chose not to respect her wish.  Abram didn’t use the term; to his knowledge only Kerry used it.

90% of the food they consumed was grown and processed on their farm. Lynn had a one acre garden that kept her busy and productive, and it may have served as a coping mechanism to occupy herself. She stayed busy.

While we are talking about staying busy; a point that has stuck in many minds is how dependable Lynn was for commitments she made; such as VBS (Vacation Bible School). Lynn spent months preparing for the church VBS program every year. On Monday, July 7, 2014, Lynn went to Wal-Mart and purchased supplies for the VBS program that began on Tuesday evening. She was prepared. She was excited. She was scheduled to participate the next evening; Tuesday, July 8, 2014, but Lynn was a no-show to VBS.

Kerry reportedly hid financial records from Lynn and refused to write balances in checkbooks leaving Lynn to constantly fret over finances.

In 1984 Kerry began working for Missouri Family Network as a lobbyist for pro-life, family and homeschool causes. M.F.N. was one of a few small organizations that worked across the gamut on these issues. Kerry has quietly encouraged M.F.N. supporters to write the checks in his name, Kerry Messer, as a personal gift so the money wouldn’t be taxable, or recordable. I’ve talked to other individuals who remember this as well.

Abram told about his dad’s decision to drive older used vehicles. There came a time about three years ago when a married couple from their church became burdened for Kerry because he didn’t have a dependable car to drive back and forth to Jefferson City. This sweet and caring couple went to friends and quietly fundraised. They happily sacrificed, knowing the Messers didn’t have money for another vehicle, and bought Lynn and Kerry a new car that would be dependable for work and family life. Weren’t they wonderful friends? Yes! But guess what? According to Abram, his dad didn’t want to drive the new car, especially not to Jefferson City, because donators wouldn’t want to give financial gifts to him if they thought he had enough money to purchase such a nice looking new car. Thus, his decision to stick with older models that looked the part of poor, financially needy lobbyist. I wondered what became of the car. Abram said his mom was in an accident with that car and it was totaled.

A man who couldn’t afford a dependable car and yet has accumulated a reported two and a half million dollars in assets while managing to keep it completely hidden from his wife.

Abram mentioned overriding character questions he had about his dad.

  • It seemed there was one way to do everything; and it was his dad’s way?

  • Took an excessively long time deciding how to complete tasks with perfection being the goal; making it difficult to begin the task?

  • Didn’t like to involve others in completing projects or work tasks?

  • Money was hidden and hoarded?

  • Had a deep need to control everything and everyone around him?

  • Had a deep and twisted belief that husbands are to dominate their wives?

  • Dishonest, fraudulent, duplicitous personality. Changed according to his audience?

  • Took advantage of others to get what he wanted?

  • Lacked empathy; was willing to lie about his own kids to save himself?

  • Craved admiration; read the, “Find Lynn Messer” FB page?

  • Fabricated stories and fantasies of ideal love to attract attention, read the, “Find Lynn Messer” FB page?

  • Life was about him?

  • Didn’t bond with people?

Abram revealed that Lynn did suffer physical abuse at the hands of his father. Although Kerry took the time on the 11/22/2014 Facebook post to expand on his beliefs of women not violating the secrecy of marriage; specifically of his, “Bride” being wise to guard herself on what she shares about her husband with other women. She wisely did just the opposite! Kerry went on to post, “There are things husbands and wives know that no one should ever be told. The home is a place where virtually every social taboo no longer applies. The home is where we all get to relax and drop all our guards (and dog gone it, everyone has gas – get over it). But you still don’t talk about many things in ways that violate your mate. And the list of such topics can get long. A little discretion affirms a lot of love!”

Thankfully, Lynn, had shared with some women about the abuse she suffered in the home; abuse from Kerry, because social taboos are wrong for a reason. These women have reportedly fully cooperated with investigators and presented the truth that Lynn has not been able to offer in person.

I often say, if a woman is strong enough to stay; she is strong enough to leave.

Did Lynn finally realize her husband was not capable of change and decided to adjust her life? Did she fail to realize he was willing to keep toxic control with any means necessary?

 

If you believe your life may be in jeopardy; please listen to me as I gently, but firmly, tell you, “Leave immediately.” Go to the authorities. Go to Domestic Violence. Go to your pastor or a counselor. Document the abuse in every way possible. See: It is Real You are Write.  If you plan on confronting your abuser about his toxic ways it is best to do it in the company of a witness or witnesses. See Toxic Intervention. Scroll down the left margin of this blog for, “Articles: Other Sources” and “Solutions-Hotlines-Help.”

 

I will leave you with this quote from Abram,

“To know in the middle, of not knowing what happened, that God did not wake up the morning of July 8, 2014, and say, ‘Wow, I didn’t see this coming!’ I know he will use all this to our benefit; to affect us, to change us, to mold us…there is some solace to that.”

This will be a series of posts with the final entry being the cry of Abram’s heart. In the middle of living a nightmare he says, “This whole ugly mess will get darker before it gets better.”

 

If you would like an idea of how a duplicitous personality can hoodwink supporters you may read more here: I am Known as a Liar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lynn

Lynn Messer: 3 Objectives

 

In English Comp we learn to write a compelling presentation in this order:

Tell them what you’re going to tell them.

Tell them.

Tell them what you told them.

 

First, I must tell you that I do not know anyone in the Messer family. I briefly met Kerry at a local St. Louis Homeschool Expo a few years ago while paying my Missouri Family Network contribution. The encounter lasted no more than thirty seconds. We, as a homeschool community, were periodically encouraged to give to Kerry for being our homeschool lobbyist in Jefferson City. Occasionally we were notified that the Messers were not bringing in enough money to meet their personal needs, or to function at Missouri Family Network, and we needed to send a check to them to help cover their expenses.

I wrote my first article about Lynn Messer last week. I heard about her disappearance two years ago and occasionally read the, “Find Lynn Messer” Facebook page. I’ve never been able to put her out of my heart and mind and contemplated publishing my notes and thoughts for two years. The time had come to share a different perspective of possibilities.

God is serious about me sharing lessons I’ve learned and He is serious about helping women trapped in abusive relationships. So I wasn’t surprised to find that God had a bigger plan than me for the Lynn Messer story.

*Disclaimer: I have no physical proof that Lynn Messer was in an abusive relationship or that her husband suffers from mental illness. This blog platform allows many abused women a chance to learn, perhaps for the first time, that God doesn’t expect or require them to stay in an abusive relationship. So…I’m throwing out possibilities based on coincidental circumstances…hoping to use this as an educational tool for the abused and the abuser.

I’m going to present to you stories, highlights and insights into the Messer family life through the eyes of an insider.

When you think of highlights, think of reading your high school or college history book; as you read you mark the important parts; hoping your memory will recall all the details that went with the highlighted portion. As you read the highlights of this testimony, know that there is more history to go with it, but you’re only allowed to read the highlights at this time.

Why? The priority at the moment is putting together evidence and finding closure for Lynn; and for her children and grand children.

My purpose for writing is to be a voice for the voiceless. I will at times add speculation on a few items, but I will tell you when it’s my opinion. This will be based on my background, and the testimony of other women who have lived through difficult marriages.

My objectives for writing are in line with the objectives for the interviewee:

  1. To give insight and hope to women in abusive relationships.
  2. To plead with victimizers to take a hard look in the mirror and in scripture at their sin, mental illness and/or abusive behaviors, and then repent, seek help and welcome healing.
  3. To put compelling information in front of a possible abuser’s colleagues, friends, church family and supporters—presenting evidence of a probable fraudulent life.  The life of a man who may have lived two lives under the name of one man.

 

D Bonhoeffer

I also want to reexamine the role of the church, family and of friends who know, or suspect, there is abuse going on in a home. Do we hold responsibility? How can we lovingly protect and help? When do we step in and when do we wait? Do we take the knowledge of abuse to the church leadership or do we call the authorities, domestic violence, and a professional counselor? Should abused women go to counseling with their abuser? Are therapeutic separations beneficial? Does God allow for divorce?

 

Before I proceed I suggest you open your heart and mind to, outside of the box, possibilities.

It seems a lifetime ago that I was struggling and sinking in a marriage full of difficulties. For nine years I believed my husband’s lies that all the problems in our marriage, and in his career, were my fault. One day, in total despair, I picked up the phone and called our ministry mentor and his wife. I poured out my heart and told about what had taken place in my marriage since shortly after I said, “I do.”

To my shock and relief I was told that they knew there were problems, but they hadn’t said anything to me because they didn’t know if I was aware of my husband’s unhealthy ways of interacting with people. This ministry mentor had a master’s degree in psychology and his brother-in-law was a doctor of psychology who specialized in narcissistic personality disorder. After working closely with my husband, our mentor, through the help of his brother-in-law, believed my husband was suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

Let me say that a personality disorder had never entered my mind, but I went straight to the library and began researching it. NPD, in my unprofessional opinion, fit my husband’s personality completely. More research, doctor appointments, psychological tests and evaluations confirmed our mentor’s original thought.

I submit this to you because unless you live with a person you cannot truly know what they are like. Having a mentor who provides discipleship, accountability, and a close working relationship is a rare variable in finding marital problems and/or personality disorders.

Could an abused wife had known too much?

If you are living in a difficult relationship, with a person who seems to be in a different reality, maybe you should read up on personality disorders in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness.

*Disclaimer #2. Many people live healthy, functioning lives while living with mental illness. Mental illness does not go hand-in-hand with being a criminal or causing harm to another person.

My next blog post will begin the testimony, but for now…

I’ll start you off with the criteria of two prevalent disorders that come to mind, that often involve abusive personalities, so you can understand that not all people think or behave alike.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder¹  (Click blue title to the left to read more about this disorder)

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following  symptoms:

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  • Requires excessive admiration
  • Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
  • Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
  • Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
  • Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
  • Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

 

Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder²

(Click blue title above to read more about this disorder)

*Not to be confused with obsessive compulsive disorder—they are two different disorders. 

A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

  • Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
  • Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
  • Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)
  • Is over conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)
  • Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value
  • Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
  • Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes
  • Shows significant rigidity and stubbornness

 

 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

¹http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

²http://psychcentral.com/disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-symptoms/

 

 

MORE READING ON THE DISAPPEARANCE OF LYNN MESSER: 

World Magazine: 12/05/2014, No clues in disappearance of Missouri Pro-life leader’s wife by Gary Cumberland

World Magazine: 2/09/2015, Have you seen Lynn Messer? By Janie B. Cheaney

Lynn Messer

Toxic Tuesday: Lynn Messer Missing Person

 

Please understand, just because you know a couple doesn’t mean you know what goes on in their home. I know from experience.

To be clear; I do not know what went on in this family’s home.

A new article on the disappearance of Lynn Messer was published in the Sunday, St. Louis Post Dispatch. I will share my feelings and theories regarding this Christian, homeschool mom who has been missing for two years.Toxic Tuesday biochem hazard small

I have a different perspective than most of my friends, and homeschool community, on this subject.

Of course I’m coming from a background of living with a mentally disturbed man. A man who most people thought of as being godly, personable, funny, sincere, a dynamic speaker, a soul-winning preacher, a world traveling evangelist with a heart for hurting and needy children, a terrific communicator and writer. This was the side he wanted people to see. He lived his life on a stage; acting out the role he believed people wanted to see. Soaking in the accolades.

This is what I experienced living with this man. A dark, disturbed, dishonest, abusive, unfaithful, unbeknown to me: pedophile, controlling, woman hater who suffered from mental illness. I never told people for years. Why? See: My Destructive Marriage. I left him when I believed it was probable that our daughter and I would not again wake up alive.

Now he’s in prison, but imagine he is still a grand actor.

So what if I’m not the only woman who lived a life where no one would have ever guessed what my home life was like?

The letters I receive from readers tell me the problem is global. And I’m not talking about wide-spread in the secular, non-Christian arena. I’m telling you there are untold numbers of Christian women; including pastor’s wives and missionaries’ wives living in difficult marriages.

Because I read extensively on the subject of spousal abuse I can share that statistics report women who disappear under questionable circumstances are usually found dead; usually at the hands of their significant other and at the least, because of their significant other.

So when a local woman went missing two years ago my radar lit up. Of course the Christian community rallied around the man because they believed this wonderful man would never have a role in his wife’s disappearance. I hope they are correct. Their hearts went out to him when he was being questioned about his wife’s disappearance. Friends thought time was wasting and should be spent trying to find his beloved, “bride,” as he refers to her in his Facebook posts. He also refers to her as, “Ma.”

The husband’s writings reminded me too much of my former husband. Not fair, I’m sure, but I’m being honest about my gut feelings. The posts he wrote about his bride on Facebook were like reading ponderings, convincing arguments, and outright lies that my former husband would have written about me; to make people believe and understand how much he loved me, needed me, and could never go on without me.  Non-truths; in the case of my former husband. I don’t know Lynn’s husband; I’m just saying there are oddities in this case.

I have prayed numerous times for this missing woman.  I was concerned she was dead after reading the first few Facebook posts written about her.

Find Lynn Messer

Husband, Kerry Messer, Missouri State Lobbyist in Jefferson City. Photo credit: Find Lynn Messer Facebook page

Shortly after Lynn’s disappearance I received a financial support letter in the mail asking for local Christian, homeschooling families to send financial gifts to help the man, as a state lobbyist for the homeschooling community, during his time of difficulty. I tossed the letter in the trash and told my husband, “I’m not helping a man who I suspect holds guilt in the disappearance of his wife.”

I’m basing opinions off my background of studying a specific mental illness. You see, people with narcissistic personality disorder, or tendencies toward it, have the same order of operations. What I saw on Facebook was possibly a man extracting huge amounts of narcissistic supply. Local friends and fellow Christians were positively supplying him…with  love, financial gifts, meals, written encouragement,  man-hours searching the 280 acre property for the wife, praise for the man’s character and marital devotion, prayers, and help around the farm. Maybe the support was correctly administered. I don’t know.

I’m not saying the man has been diagnosed with a personality disorder; I’m stating parallels I saw, which concerned me.

I figured that no one knew the hundreds of acres as well as him and, if he was involved, he would know where the body was located.

Many women report living with abusive husbands. The following are a handful of ways some of the more subtle abuse happens: The man keeps her living like she’s dirt poor while he enjoys a higher social standing. She eats simple and cheap meals while he eats the finest of food. She wears the same old clothes for years or decades while he wears new clothes. He travels and goes on expensive trips while she stays home to keep the house. He enjoys friendships with other women away from the home while she is expected not to talk to men without her husband present.

I hear from women who live in defeat and depression while believing the lies their husbands tell them. Lies such as all his problems are her fault, she isn’t talented enough, doesn’t make enough money, isn’t pretty, is boring, isn’t a good mother, isn’t a good wife, should me more like a woman the husband holds in high esteem. So many women in these relationships live in despair. Many counselors don’t get it. The man seems so put-together at counseling sessions and many Christian counselors will not reprimand a man in the presence of the wife. Read more about problems with the false sense of male entitlement here. These women can end up suicidal when they fail to find understanding or help.

Couple with this a wife reconciling in her heart and mind a public man who boldly teaches the word of God and prays, with the private man who secretly treats his wife in the home with ridicule, resentment, the silent treatment, physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual abuse due to his addiction to pornography. This may leave a woman unable to grasp reality because she has been fed a constant stream of lies.

These women can’t give enough praise to make their man feel as special as he deems himself.  The man in return doesn’t have kind works of affirmation or appreciation for who she is, nor does he recognize anything of value she provides. See: To Live But Not Exist.

These women may feel like they are crazy, will never be able to please their man, are only making life worse, and would be better off dead.

If this was Lynn’s life I wish I could have talked to her. I would have embraced her, cried with her, prayed over her and told her, “It’s not your fault. Don’t believe it. You’re beautiful, capable, talented, sweet, fun, caring and needed. You are lovable.”  Lynn

I wonder what their kids know and think; opinions, facts or questions that haven’t made it to the media. They are grown adults and I can’t imagine how they have endured through these two years. They are who my heart goes out to; and the grandchildren.

My prayer is for closure to come to those who loved and valued, Ma.

 

As someone who had to learn to look for the thread of truth woven in a story or statement there were a few comments made on the Find Lynn Messer Facebook page, early in the investigation, that made me pause and wonder. These statements stood out to me and didn’t leave my memory. Maybe I have an over active imagination but I truly had to learn to read my ex-husband in this way to attempt to keep my daughter safe.

Located in a July 12, 2014, Facebook post:  “In closing: For those of you who know Lynn best – you understand when I say that she is the strongest work horse on our farm. And, for those of you who know me best – you understand from Luke 14:5 that I only paraphrase Jesus’ figurative teaching, when I say that the only reason I am not with you in worship this morning is because ‘my ox is in a ditch.'” I wondered if she was literally in a ditch or hole somewhere on the property! Where were the animals placed when they died?

Located in a July 12, 2015, Facebook post: “…to be honest, I am torn between two opposites. First is that I have to admit not being able to focus due to so many stresses, and the conviction to be transparent about it when I don’t want to be.” About what did he not want to be truthfully transparent; despite the conviction that he should be transparent?

Located in a July 12, 2015, Facebook post: “I am at a loss as to how to interact with our family members and even my own grandchildren.” Was there a sense of guilt keeping him from fully engaging and bonding with his precious family?

Located in a July 12, 2015, Facebook post”So they feed basic human nature by suggesting and planting“…Oh please tell me she wasn’t feed for something!

You may think this is sensationalism…but women who have survived abusive men know this is all in the realm of possibility. I pray the parallels are simply coincidental.

 

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Top photo credit: Find Lynn Messer Facebook profile picture

Further reading on the disappearance of Lynn Messer:

St. Louis Post Dispatch, July 17, 2016,: Missing woman case tears apart Jefferson City lobbying team

Daily Journal July 8, 2016, Family Releases New Details

Facebook: Find Lynn Messer

The Missouri Times Messer Answers Questions Raised About Missing Wife

CBS St. Louis One Year Later

 

 

 

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You Can Do It!

It is written: “Fear not, stand still (firm, confident, undismayed), and see the salvation (victory) of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians (this problem, fight, difficulty) whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Ex. 14:13-14.

Some days we’re just too tired to fight any more; or maybe we don’t have the slightest idea how to get out of our mess. Good news…remind God of His word then stand and watch Him fight for you.

Do you want to step back in your own strength or step forward into God’s and stand?

I have found that my toughest day with God is better than my best day on my own.

To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson , “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”

What lies within us? The Holy Spirit. The power that raised Christ from the dead! “ Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these…” John 14:12

That’s some power!

He left us His power and He is loving. He is gentle. He is tender. He is also persistent and wants good for us.

It is written: “I will be your safe place in difficult times.” Nahum 1:7

Go ahead…pray these verses to Him. After all, “He is God and He’s passionate about just one thing, His relationship with you.” Exodus 34:14 paraphrased